Dear famaz:

“I don`t know how that works exactly… processing your anger“- in the context of this forum: we both don’t know if and how it works. We can try. I will start by bringing up to my mind one memory where I was abused, and the anger I felt-feel,  and I will express my anger in words. You can do the same later, regarding a chosen memory of yours, if you want.

In my mind’s eye I see my mother- a tall, strong figure-  looking at me- a small, weak child- with disdain, letting me know in no uncertain terms, by the look in her eyes, that I am an inferior specimen; an undesirable, defected, inadequate product, a mistake that she- the best mother in the world- was stuck with because she has bad luck.

I see, still in my mind’s eye, the child that I was lowering her gaze, looking down at the floor, while she, the tall-strong figure, is spitting words at me, shaming, humiliating words, while she  swings her right arm to the right, to the left, and hits my face with an open big hand, right cheek, left cheek… hot cheeks, hot from her hand and from my anger and humiliation…. “ZERO, ZERO, one BIG ZERO” she says, she screams. The child waits until the tall-strong figure gets tired, hoping she’ll be pleased that I am hurt enough, that I do not resist. She gets tired, she looks at her arms and says: look what YOU did to me, my arms are tired because of YOU!

Next image: I see the child growing into a tall and strong figure, this is me.. and I see her shrink into a small, weak figure and I see my big right hand become a fist and I punch her right in the face, boom! BOOM! Her face fractures, pieces disintegrate and disperse in all directions, and her body falls to the floor, like broken pieces of furniture. And I step on those pieces and smash them to nothingness, SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!.

I look around me: nothing moves, nothing is said.. silence… no more shame, no more pain… huh.. life can be this good…

Done with my imagery/ processing. When I hit her face (in the imagery) there was a tingling sensation around my heart, and now, I don’t feel as tired as I felt before the imagery, I feel stronger, more in charge… like life can be this good.

* A disclaimer: this has been only an imagery, of course, I do not recommend violence in real life.

anita