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being surrounded with bitter people and lonliness

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 107 total)
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  • #409807
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear farnaz,

    I agree with anita: don’t force yourself to forgive someone before you have expressed and processed your anger (and if someone abused you or tried to take advantage of you, your anger is justified!).

    I like how anita put it: don’t try to forgive them before you “listen to the message in your anger” and “fully understand what they did to you, that it was wrong to do it to you, that you didn’t deserve it, and that the Wrong belongs to Them, not to You“.

    Only when we understand and can articulate the person’s wrong-doing, and express our anger in a safe environment (not to their face, but in a safe environment, either of our own home, or in therapy) – I think that only then can we say with fortitude: I won’t let this happen again! Only then can we draw our boundaries clearly and stand by them.

    And when that happens – once we’re clear on what we won’t allow anymore, i.e. what are our boundaries – I think this is what opens us up for forgiveness. Something like: I forgive what you’ve done to me, but I’ll never let you do that to me again! Standing with clarity and determination to not allow to be abused again.

    I haven’t thought about it before, but it seems to me that this is what processing anger really means: first feel it, understand it, express it (safely), make a decision to not let it happen again i.e. to from now on protect your boundaries, and then – forgive.

    #409822
    farnaz
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    by forgiving i meant not giving others the power to hurt you even if they are not even in your life , the anger that all the memories of past causes over and over again .

    You are welcome to explore and process the message in your anger here, on your thread, if you feel comfortable enough doing so. As a matter of fact, ifit works for you, we can do it together: I will further process my anger while you process yours:i would be glad to do it with you but i don`t know how that works exactly , what is your idea about processing your anger?

    Farnaz

    #409824
    anita
    Participant

    Dear famaz:

    I don`t know how that works exactly… processing your anger“- in the context of this forum: we both don’t know if and how it works. We can try. I will start by bringing up to my mind one memory where I was abused, and the anger I felt-feel,  and I will express my anger in words. You can do the same later, regarding a chosen memory of yours, if you want.

    In my mind’s eye I see my mother- a tall, strong figure-  looking at me- a small, weak child- with disdain, letting me know in no uncertain terms, by the look in her eyes, that I am an inferior specimen; an undesirable, defected, inadequate product, a mistake that she- the best mother in the world- was stuck with because she has bad luck.

    I see, still in my mind’s eye, the child that I was lowering her gaze, looking down at the floor, while she, the tall-strong figure, is spitting words at me, shaming, humiliating words, while she  swings her right arm to the right, to the left, and hits my face with an open big hand, right cheek, left cheek… hot cheeks, hot from her hand and from my anger and humiliation…. “ZERO, ZERO, one BIG ZERO” she says, she screams. The child waits until the tall-strong figure gets tired, hoping she’ll be pleased that I am hurt enough, that I do not resist. She gets tired, she looks at her arms and says: look what YOU did to me, my arms are tired because of YOU!

    Next image: I see the child growing into a tall and strong figure, this is me.. and I see her shrink into a small, weak figure and I see my big right hand become a fist and I punch her right in the face, boom! BOOM! Her face fractures, pieces disintegrate and disperse in all directions, and her body falls to the floor, like broken pieces of furniture. And I step on those pieces and smash them to nothingness, SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!.

    I look around me: nothing moves, nothing is said.. silence… no more shame, no more pain… huh.. life can be this good…

    Done with my imagery/ processing. When I hit her face (in the imagery) there was a tingling sensation around my heart, and now, I don’t feel as tired as I felt before the imagery, I feel stronger, more in charge… like life can be this good.

    * A disclaimer: this has been only an imagery, of course, I do not recommend violence in real life.

    anita

     

    #409832
    farnaz
    Participant

    dear anita

    i think that would work .

    like in therapy sessions in which you live your trauma once more and express your real feeling or relive it and you are hopefully replaying it in your mind again

    #409834
    anita
    Participant

    Dear famaz:

    You are welcome to proceed anytime.. if you so choose. But please stay true to the Forums Guidelines for a Positive Space (click Forums at the top of the page to read about the guidelines), and also-  please add a disclaimer, like I did.

    anita

    #409835
    anita
    Participant

    Dear famaz:

    Just in case you need to know (regarding the exercise we are talking about), I will soon be away from the computer for  a few hours. Also, for the sake of abundance of caution: the idea behind the exercise is in the context of Self-Help, as this is not a professional setting, and I am not a counselor, a therapist or any other kind of health care professional. We are two members of equal standing on this website.

    anita

    #409883
    farnaz
    Participant

    dear Anita

    i think we might have some problems regarding time zone its 00:35 am here now , i think i can be online around 10-12 pm but i dont know what is your situation

    #409890
    anita
    Participant

    Dear famaz:

    It is Thursday, 8: 10  pm where I am at, and I will be back to the computer Fri morning, in about 10 hours from now (Fri 6:10 am)

    anita

    #409892
    anita
    Participant

    Dear famaz:

    The reason I brought up the time zone issue 2 days ago was that I thought that if you chose to do the anger-exercise and if you wanted a quick response from me, then you may want to submit your anger-exercise-post while I am online. If you are okay with not receiving a quick response, you can submit a post any time and I will reply within an hour or within 10 hours or so. If you choose to not do the exercise, that’s fine with me: you can talk about anything you wish.

    anita

    #409894
    farnaz
    Participant

    Dear Anita thats ok with me to not get a quick response from you ,and i admit i`m nervous about it but i rather do it anyway , do you mind if you started first ?

    Farnaz

    #409897
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Famaz:

    I already started (my imagery two days ago, above). I am fine with starting again, but how would you like me to start?

    anita

    #409899
    farnaz
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    ok , because that was imaginary i thought you just said it as an example , i had a real situation in my mind if it`s ok for you of course

    farnaz

    #409900
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Famaz:

    My imagery was about real-life events (2nd & 3rd paragraphs),  except for the part that starts with “Next image” (4th paragraph: I didn’t really punch her). Please do go on with your real situation.

    anita

    #409901
    anita
    Participant

    * Take your time, famaz: I will be away from the computer for the rest of the day.

    anita

    #409902
    farnaz
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    i`m so so sorry for misunderstanding it .

    you know my style is different i can`t describe the scenes that happened to me with a lot of details maybe because i blocked them because the events made me sad and angry. but i can describe how i felt exactly

    for example when i was in high school , something happened. i dont remember what exactly , but i know the reaction of my family was not proportional to the situation , that was awful ,i remember my mom was so angry and my brother told her why you bring her (me)in this world after all !!! they were brutal , i remember my dad was not exactly defending me but wasnot as aggressive as them , i cried for hours , and i had a puffy face next morning when i went to school and my friend noticed and ask me about that i didnt say anything to her , now that i look back i think i believed them and that situation make me so miserable, i felt worthless  but not completely , i think even in that time i realized something is not right about the reaction , i could forgive my mom more easily but my brother was so cruel , actually he is not changed that much

    now that i look back if i could talk to my mom i would say you F up , what kind of mother would say that , do you think blaming me and some how separating yourself from me because of  my imperfections makes you a superior person and good mother ????

    i think seeing that kind of cold behavior from my mother  made myself insensitive  and cold to others too , i realized a lot of stuff i say to people is too direct and hurtful and i didn`t consider  their reasoning behind their behavior and i was selfish

Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 107 total)

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