Hi Tee,

It’s really good to hear. I think it’s partly because of all the stressors that came all at once that really activated those old wounds that haven’t been healed yet. I’ve isolated more stopped eating and sleeping which definitly doesn’t make it easier to recognise when you start reacting to something from the past. My brain been constanly scanning for threats, I have been a lot more aggitated and reactive than two months ago, I am getting better now though.

I have also isolated myself more from X and Y because of jalousi, because they are friends with him and get to spend time with him I really want that as well, we have a lot in common and with us both having anxiety we could have been good support for each other. Just a couple of days ago him and Y were talking next to me about new years eve, she said oh you are going abroad, he said that he wasn’t sure anymore. She then said she wants to celebrate with a close group of friends and I fear that they are gonna celebrate together as a group without me. New year’s eve is my birthday and one that activates a lot of old wounds, celebrating without any friends but with my parents and their friends. That is really really hard, being without friends on your birthday and knowing that everybody else are celebrating that day with their friends, is extremly hurtful. And seeing them talk hurts a lot.

Regarding him I’m shifting between missing him (I even tear up and it’s so stupid) and getting really angry with him and wanting to just cut him off and ignore him.

He was in a good mood the day of his actual birthday said hi and that he hadn’t seen me in a long time and how I had been. I didn’t know that it was his birthday at that point cuz they don’t make you work on your birthday. He celebrated with two friends and his brother came, it looked very nice and relaxing but one of our collegues asked about his birthday after she said he seemed disappointed. He also asked me if I needed help carrying something which he did. But yeah being treated different than the other female collegues hurts, he’s so relaxed around them (and female guests) and it stings.

One thing I have realised is that my anxiety around someone I like isn’t social anxiety but me getting triggered because of vulnerbility. Because now I like you you have the power to break  my heart and I need to protect myself. I was completly fine around him in the beginning but then I got to the point where I really wanted something to happend between us, and then he winked at me and I felt this rush in my body. I remeber thinking oh no not again, now I am gonna be really anxiouswhen being around him. I’m also mad at myself for the times I had a change to spend time with him, but let my anxiety win. Like the first time he asked me to the bar and I left. He wasn’t flirting with her but I was jaloux and I was afraid that maybe I read him wrong. Or not having a beer with him before the party, or the turkish restaurant, or when he left his hat at my house I really wanted him to come pick it up so we had some alone time, but I was afarid of rejection so just told him that I would bring it to him. I need to forgive my self for not being better at handling my anxiety in those situations, I feel like my anxiety defeeded me.

I have his message about his anxiety saved on my phone. I have always been shamed for my anxiety and told I need to push harder. Hearing someone open up and tell about his own anxiety and reassure me several times that I had absolutly nothing to apologize for was really nice to hear.