Dear Anita

its chilling how our experiences are similar , and that make me think our mothers have a similar mental disorder , its like having a cold and the similar symptoms . obviously it is more devastating . i agree with you , i think my mom might had  BPD and a little bit of narcissism , actually not a bit but a lot . she also had experienced trauma from the past but was never under therapy as my brother who refuses the therapy in all costs. it is sad and the only way i can see to handle that is to distancing myself . I tried to help him but its pointless . i read about BPD when i was diagnosed  myself that people with disorder feel empty inside and try to preoccupy themself with others attention even if its negative , i feel they just want to influence people no matter in positive or negative ways

I too felt that any criticism I received- from myself and from another- was a devastating criticism, as if all of me was criticized. It’s a reaction of a shame-based individual: any and every criticism is seen as evidence that the whole self, the whole being is criticized. (My reaction was to attack myself; I spent lots of time in self-torment).i m sorry for it , im glad you used the past tense again . i can relate to it , i was so closed off to people , honestly i still am but much less , because i was afraid if i screw up something they will attack me like my family , when i got more social i realize people are much more careful with their words than my own family . the sad part is i felt shameful if they were very nice too me , i felt threatened too . in my mind 1-I didnt deserve it 2-maybe they want something from me and the last one was  if they get to know me and they realized im not worthy of their kindness then i would be a total disappointment , thats why i kept my distance from people . im curious about your friendships from childhood till now , did you have problem having good friends. i know finding a good friend is hard but its much harder when you dont even feel safe in your home with your mom . You were safe crossing the street that day but you were not safe telling your mother about it, i like how you put it in this sentence.

 I took my breaks when she was not home, when I was alone,  daydreaming to music.it was exactly like me , i happened to like being alone it was more peaceful .

my mother was like that, this is why when I tried to communicate with her honestly (and no matter how gentle i was with words) you couldnt be gentle enough , you werent supposed to even think they can be wrong and i think it`s their strategy to silence any criticism with exaggerated anger to have a upper hand all the times.

yes ,i got to jog today , i hope you had a good day too .

farnaz