Dear Katrine,

It’s really good to hear. I think it’s partly because of all the stressors that came all at once that really activated those old wounds that haven’t been healed yet. I’ve isolated more stopped eating and sleeping which definitly doesn’t make it easier to recognise when you start reacting to something from the past. My brain been constanly scanning for threats, I have been a lot more aggitated and reactive than two months ago, I am getting better now though.

Yes, his rejection hit you hard. It probably confirmed those false beliefs that you’re worthless and that nobody cares about you. And when X failed to invite you to go for drinks with them, it was another blow and another “confirmation” of this same false belief. It felt like total rejection – not just by him but by your friends too.

But I hope that you’ve realized in the meanwhile that X and Y aren’t against you and haven’t rejected you, but that on the contrary they were supportive and kind. And that the fact that they sometimes don’t invite you to those parties doesn’t mean they don’t like you or think less of you, but just that they’ve figured that you’re not a party person and don’t always fancy going out.

Just a couple of days ago him and Y were talking next to me about new years eve, she said oh you are going abroad, he said that he wasn’t sure anymore. She then said she wants to celebrate with a close group of friends and I fear that they are gonna celebrate together as a group without me. New year’s eve is my birthday and one that activates a lot of old wounds, celebrating without any friends but with my parents and their friends. That is really really hard, being without friends on your birthday and knowing that everybody else are celebrating that day with their friends, is extremly hurtful. And seeing them talk hurts a lot.

OK, so what stops you from celebrating this New Year with X and Y and other friends? Are you expected to go home for holidays and celebrate with your parents?

I’m also mad at myself for the times I had a change to spend time with him, but let my anxiety win. Like the first time he asked me to the bar and I left. He wasn’t flirting with her but I was jaloux and I was afraid that maybe I read him wrong. Or not having a beer with him before the party, or the turkish restaurant, or when he left his hat at my house I really wanted him to come pick it up so we had some alone time, but I was afarid of rejection so just told him that I would bring it to him. I need to forgive my self for not being better at handling my anxiety in those situations, I feel like my anxiety defeeded me.

It seems you’re blaming yourself for the fact that he rejected a relationship with you. You’re blaming yourself for e.g. leaving the bar without saying goodbye, however the truth is that this hasn’t stopped him from being interested in you and wanting to spend time with you. Because after that “gaffe” in the bar, he came to your housewarming party (after which he gave you a long hug), he invited you to a pub after work one evening (where you tasted each other’s beer), he came to X’s housewarming party…. If he really was repelled by your anxiety, or your awkwardness, he wouldn’t have shown interest in you after that incident in the bar.

He would have avoided you instead of seeking you out.

So I am almost sure that he wasn’t repelled at all by your awkwardness. It didn’t stop him at all.

And finally, you even apologized for your awkward behavior and expressed that you liked him. So you’ve attempted to repair whatever he might have misunderstood.

Therefore, you have absolutely no reason to blame yourself. It’s not your fault that he rejected a relationship with you. It’s most probably his own fears and insecurities (e.g. fear of intimacy). But definitely NOT your fault. Can you see that?

Regarding him I’m shifting between missing him (I even tear up and it’s so stupid) and getting really angry with him and wanting to just cut him off and ignore him.

I understand your feelings, Katrine, because his behavior is weird. He is hot and cold, and his behavior is confusing. However, I think that at this point it would help you if you accepted his decision (to not get involved romantically with you).

Accept it, and at the same time don’t blame yourself for it. Because it’s not your fault.

I think if you could change your attitude and not see it as your fault or as a “proof” that something’s wrong with you, it would be much easier to handle.

Because then you could decide what kind of relationship you want with him (apart from a romantic relationship, which he doesn’t want, at least for now). Maybe you’d still like to talk to him when he is in your vicinity? Or maybe you’d want to reply to his message about anxiety, because anxiety is a common topic and you might be able to support each other? (“we have a lot in common and with us both having anxiety we could have been good support for each other”.)

Of course, you don’t have to have any kind of relationship with him, if you don’t want to. But I think it would be much easier for you to handle the whole thing if you 1) accepted his decision, 2) stopped blaming yourself for it, and 3) changed your attitude to one of self-love and high self-esteem, which would make you less anxious and less powerless in interactions with him.

What do you think?