Dear Farnaz:

“I’m so happy finding someone… who can exactly feel and understand what I’m being through“- in regard to BPD and trust issues,  I need to say: when you find out that I don’t exactly understand what you are going through, and/ or when I disappoint you otherwise (maybe I already did), don’t go to the extreme of being very unhappy with me and figuring that I don’t understand you at all, or worse, that I deceived you or tried to manipulate you. If and when you feel disappointed and angry at me, please let me know what it is about and we can talk about it.

“I’m so sorry about your experience with so called friend, I feel like maybe your mom was jealous of you, and she felt you having a friend diminished her control over you… my mom was also jealous oof my friend“- thank you. What you wrote here sounds right.

“My mom had some trauma in her past too…“- you shared that your mother’s grandparents were divorced, that your grandmother  was separated from her mother due to divorce… and was under control of a stepmother, that your grandfather was twice the age of your grandmother, that your grandmother tried to separate your mother from your uncles and felt that one of your uncles (your mother’s brother) was using your mother. Your mother ended contact with the brother who used her, and she lost another brother to suicide.

“My traumas were my mom, her  death and dealing with my dad who wasn’t trust worthy” – you identified your trauma clearly.

“I hope he (your brother) gets pushed to therapy by something, I know that’s weird“- I don’t think it’s weird. Many, if not most people are pushed to therapy by something that creates more pain and more conflict than they can handle keeping their habitual ways of thinking and behaving.

“My sister also was like mom, except she didn’t have any of mom’s good qualities, you know, I don’t think my mom was bad in nature, but my sister definitely is…. I’m just indifferent, but once I loved her with all my heart… more than I loved my mom, until I got older and saw her for who she was. I’m 13 years younger than her. I can say, getting to know her as an adult didn’t help my trust issues at all“- I wonder (1)  what you loved about your sister so much growing up, and (2) what she said and did that caused you to so drastically change your mind and heart about her (?) We can explore this, if you wish.

“I unfortunately encounter a lot of power hungry people in my life… I’ve seen some very manipulating people who persistently tried to mislead me in some way… it’s not personal, they do it to everyone, but I believe I was sending some signals, obviously unconsciously, that I’m an easy target…. predator. I can tell you one example, I have an aunt… who seems to be very compassionate, she was actually crying in front of me when my father was getting remarried, and said that she can’t see anyone in my mom’s place… after my dad married, I realized that my aunt actually tried to fix my dad with some lady who was in a very low level… in different planet, culture wise, economic class, religion. It was almost comic, how my aunt would think that was a good match for my dad. Anyway, she was lying to my face and actually crying about it!!! And the other time, she tried to fix me with her nephew who was not really a sharp person, very slow, not from a good family either.. till recent years, I realized she did these kinds of behaviors on purpose, from encouraging me to basically abandon any good and meaningful thing in my life… persistently tell me I’m worthless because I’m not married, and she was very upset that I didn’t become a broken person after my mom’s death. Well, I did become that, but I somehow put myself together… I cut ties with her after my dad’s funeral because of her behavior after it. She was almost happy and tried to draw attention to herself, instead of to my father’s death. I couldn’t tolerate it anymore”-

– reading this and then re-reading it, my impression about this aunt (it is only an impression) is that she is not a sharp person and that her words and actions are not part of a well thought-of plan, or an evil plan, to deceive and manipulate you. It seems to me that her words and behaviors are such that are very common in some cultures: showy behaviors in the context of death and funerals (pretentious and insincere indeed, yet … accepted and expected within the culture), culturally accepted ideas regarding mourning,  older single women and marriage and match making efforts. Seems like she wasn’t sharp enough to make … sharp match-making suggestions, that in her eyes, those were good matches.  But again… my impression is that she was not smart enough or educated enough to carry on a cold-hearted, intelligent plan to  deceive and overpower you. What do you think?

anita