Dear Farnaz:

It (will be) Thursday 7:50 pm then where you are at, when I submit this post. I hope that you had a good day. First, the easy part of your recent post, regarding your aunt and her adult children: “what do you think about having no contact with them?“- I am all for having no contact with bullies who are motivated by malice (“malicious… they are bullies, SIMPLE“).

Regarding your sister, this is my current understanding: she really hates your mother and has hated her for a long, long time. Her chronic hate for her mother, in its origin and throughout her childhood- was valid, and none of your sister’s fault. Same as my chronic anger at my mother (it felt like hate for a long, long time): in its origin and throughout my childhood- it was valid and none of my fault. I will not fault any child who feels hate for his/ her mother (primary caretaker) because I don’t believe children are born hateful. They are born extremely dependent on the mother and therefore, extremely loving. It takes a WHOLE LOT for a very loving child to become chronically hateful of a mother.

I do not fault your sister for continuing to feel hate for her mother for many years as an adult because I assume that your mother did not acknowledge any faults in her own behaviors toward your sister (and instead, continued to find fault in your sister), did not arrange for family therapy with your sister where the very troubled relationship between mother and (adult) child was discussed and resolved… so no reason for your sister to feel differently about her mother. Your sister could have (and may have) attended individual therapy that could have lessened her anger. But from personal experience, my chronic anger at my mother lessened sometime after therapy and after ending all contact with her.

Throughout all the years that I lived in a country far, far away from my mother’s (continents, a sea and an ocean apart), every single time that I visited her led to my anger reigniting and I suffered so much mental torture during and following each visit. It seems like although your sister lived in a different country as well, she too visited her mother, and like me, she probably had some phone contact with her mother as well.

You wrote yesterday about your sister: “She always wanted to bring all of us down by her behavior“- you still, currently, think of yourself as ONE with your (now deceased) mother and father… and your sister on the opposite side, as in us vs her…?”

“I am curious about your relationship with your sister? Hopefully, it’s not toxic“- we have very little contact and it is not toxic. She respects my decision to have no contact with my mother (ever since May 2013). Growing up, we were very different: she was social, had lots of friends and I thought she was okay, normal. Unfortunately, I later found out that she was deeply wounded and harmed by my mother… and she still is.

This is not an easy topic to talk about, is it?

anita