Dear Farnaz (Glorious Beauty from Persia):

You are welcome and thank you for referring to me as graceful and merciful. I hope that you soon finish your packing and have a smooth move to your new home. We both agree that this is not a light topic, but talking about and  resolving heavy topics makes one lighter (and we can talk about something light next, if you wish).

“Your sister being different from you and handling the damage differently helps me to make my point, you reacted differently to the abuse you both endured just as me and my siblings“- there is a point that I need to make: my sister, who is six years younger than me, was born to the same mother but she was not born into the same situation that I was born into, and she did not grow up in the same situation. Therefore, she and I had the same mother but different childhoods. This is true to you as well, being that you are 13 years younger than your sister: the two of you were born to the same mother but had different childhoods.

My sister and I did not react differently to the same childhood. We reacted differently to.. different childhoods. It is not that my sister and I had the same childhood and we reacted to it differently: one born a good girl, reacting positively; the other born a bad girl, reacting negatively. We reacted differently to different childhoods.

I experienced some of my parents’ violent marriage and divorce when I was 5-6 (primarily, I remember my mother’s loud and terrifying threats to kill herself in the middle of the night). My sister was born right before they were divorced. In my six years of life, I was the only child and spent a lot of time with my mother. By the time my sister was 6, there was a very established relationship between my mother and I, one where I was clearly WRONG/BAD, and my mother was clearly RIGHT/GOOD.

Having witnessed my mother’s violence and suicide threats early on, as a child, I hardly ever gone out to play. Instead, I stayed home alone with my mother- so to guard her threatened life: to be there when she got crazy and to take into me her craziness (so that she had less crazy in her, craziness that would to lead her to kill herself). My sister spent a lot of her time growing up outside the home, with friends. She was very popular and social and seemed happy. She looked up to my mother, idolized her and thought she was a perfect mother, while I harbored so much anger at my mother (anger and empathy, I was terribly conflicted). I often experienced my mother as Bad. My sister’s experienced her as Perfectly Good. But she too experienced my mother’s crazy behaviors and violence: while I suffered from trauma related OCD and bodily tics (Tourette Syndrome), my sister suffered from trauma related migraines and occasional fainting.

Growing up, I thought my sister was normal and happy. I realized she was not after I moved to another country (so to escape my mother), and my sister, at 18, remained alone with my mother. At that point, my mother told my sister whom to marry (a bad choice) and much more. My sister’s own words later on was that she was a puppet on strings, my mother- who she thought was perfect- moved the strings any which way, and my sister blindly and passively obeyed, which led to my sister having, overall, a dysfunctional life. Also, I had therapy, my sister did not.

For the first 18 years of my sister’s life, she was in a better situation- and had a better childhood- because I was the main recipient of my mother’s verbal and physical violence: I fulfilled that role. I did not have an older sibling to take on that role: it was my cross to bear.

And now, to you and your 13-years-older sister: “She suffered much more as the older child, she was never accepted as she was…  the fight between her and my mom wouldn’t stop…  I was 12 years old when fights between her and my parents were the worst… my mom was too sick to torture me as bad as she tortured my sister… My sister was always the black sheep of the family“-

– the fights between your mother and sister were the worst when your sister was 25. It is amazing to me: I was 24 and nine months when I left my country so to escape my mother. It was after.. I don’t know how many years, 15 years perhaps, definitely more than 10 years (throughout my teenage years) of my acute suffering from the conflict of empathy for my mother (feeling sorry for her, tortured by guilt and shame in regard to being a bad daughter) and anger at her. I wanted to be FREE so badly.

(Unfortunately, following a couple of months of magical, intoxicating freedom, she was physically back in my life and the torture continued).

“I actually once told my mom directly that I wouldn’t let her bring me down like (she brought down) my sister, I don’t remember the context, but she was shocked to hear that. She was actually speechless but then she brushed it off”– your sister took that role of being the main recipient of your mother’s abuse. Maybe it was after your sister was living in another country that your mother needed you in that role…?

In summary, for now: the dynamics between your mother and older sister, between your father, mother, older siblings and other family members- none of it was or has ever been your fault. In regard to your sister-yourself: you deserved her empathy, not her hostility. She is guilty of her inconsiderate and hostile words and behaviors toward you.

Having been in her shoes though, I do not fault her for her anger toward your mother, not before and not after your mother’s death. I can tell you confidently that no daughter loved her mother more than I loved my mother- as a child and onward. Believe me when I say that there are mothers that turn a child’s most beautiful, loving heart into an angry, hateful heart. I am no longer consumed by anger at my mother because I promised myself that no matter what, she- my mother- will never be part of my life, that I will never see her or hear her voice… no matter what.

anita