Dear Caroline:

You are welcome, good to read back from you! And it is good to read that you are okay and that you had a really good time visiting a work colleague.

“I saw your message yesterday and still thinking, looking for right words“- you don’t have to be very careful here: you can type your words for me without much care because I will not punish you for wrong wording. I know that you have a good heart and therefore, you don’t have to… use perfect words and perfect sentences.

“I am trying to learn how to have healthy relationships with people but it always ends with me feeling used or taken advantage of, and being angry, or them leaving me for some reason“-

On Oct 22, I wrote to you: “Unfortunately, old perspectives and old thinking are remarkably persistent because they are habitual… your old thinking will not disappear just because new thinking appeared… the old thinking will automatically return. You will have to repeat the new perspective and new thinking until these become your new habit”.

The old perspectives include what you described today. It takes time to form new thought habits and new behavioral habits, such as behaving assertively with people (the faking-it-till-you-make it, which we discussed previously).

“It now has led me to distrusting people at the very beginnings of knowing them which I hate myself for“- you closed your Oct 21 post with: “I will be more kind to myself“– hating yourself is not kind. Whenever you feel hate for yourself, turn to empathy. For example, when you notice distrustful thoughts about people at the very beginning of meeting them, and feeling self-hate for that distrust, think to yourself something like: I must have been so hurt by people… I was so hurt by people, this is why I developed distrust. See yourself as a hurt, little Caroline and feel compassion for her.

With compassion to Caroline and change of habits, you will develop healthy enough relationships with healthy enough people (I say enough because no person and no relationship is perfectly healthy).

anita