Dear Farnaz:

“when I realized that my mom was wrong…  believing it, I took my power back on a very deep level… she (sister) thinks she was wrong, she was a bad daughter“- believing that one is fundamentally wrong when one is not, takes one’s power away. Your sister is still seeking to reunite with her lost power, the power that was robbed from her.

“I believe my sister still sees her mother as a perfect person“- she still sees her (deceased) mother as perfectly powerful.

“screw her, I need to live as MYSELF… I deserve to be happy and do what makes ME happy, not anybody else“- you felt powerful enough to mentally separate yourself from your mother. Your sister cannot yet make this separation.

“About my brother, I believe he does not even think what happened to him was unfair, he never talked about it. I believe he totally blocked it because it`s too painful for him“- maybe he observed that when your sister confronted his mother with the truth about her hurt, his mother hurt his sister even more. So, he learned to not confront anyone with the truth of his hurt.

“I’m like ok that was your childhood but you were over 30 years far from your family, how you can be so affected by that“- in 30 years, your sister shed her skin cells many times over; she replaced her red blood cells with new cells.. but she did not shed any of her brain cells. Same brain cells and same connections between brain cells (without significant and long-term therapy, in her case)= same core beliefs, same thought patterns, same emotions.

All of us adults are boys and girls in adult bodies, even when we are old… boys and girls running around or shuffling in aging bodies. Your sister, in her 50s, is still the girl that she was before you (Farnaz) were born.

“She could just cut all the ties, she didn’t need us, but that wasn’t what she wanted, she wanted proofs that we are all the bad guys and she is not worthless“- She can’t cut ties when her basic power is with her mother. She needs her lost power back. You became one of “the bad guys” in her mind because you supported the bad guy in her life: her mother.

But her pain, her loss of power, her loss of quality of life… these are none of your fault.

* I  just read your short post of six minutes ago.

anita