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being surrounded with bitter people and lonliness

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Viewing 15 posts - 61 through 75 (of 105 total)
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  • #410238
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Farnaz:

    You are welcome and again, thank you for your empathy.

    When she passed, I was so angry and broken, and I’m still wondering, after 19 years, why everything about her was so complicated??… She was very wise in some areas in her life, mostly professional and investing and generally, financial stuff, to the point that we all can profit for years, but (she) was so foolish, arrogant towards her family… She told us I want the best things for you, and she delivered as much as she could, but she persistently made us worthless and like failures“- I want to think about this and respond to it Sat morning.

    As a matter of fact, I want to respond to everything else in your recent post tomorrow morning. I need the time and focus to attentively reply. I hope that you sleep well tonight and… see you in (my) morning!

    anita

    #410241
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Farnaz:

    As I was sitting here, after lunch, relaxing before my walk, looking at the quote in boldface, it occurred to me why she was very wise professionally and financially but foolish when it came to her family: her profession didn’t make her angry. Money didn’t make her angry. People made her angry, particularly her family members ANGERED her. Like my therapist of 2011-13 used to say: when our anger is up, our IQ is down.

    anita

    #410252
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Farnaz:
    <p class=”ContentPasted46″>”I wonder, does your sister have a relationship with you mom now?“- yes, my sister lives close to my mother and I imagine that she has a relationship with her mother. I haven’t asked her about it (not since May of 2013), nor did she share, and I would like to keep it this way.</p>
    do you feel free, or constantly reliving the situation?“- can you tell me, in detail, what you mean by “constantly reliving the situation”, and who in your life (sister, someone else as well?) did you witness doing that?
    <p class=”ContentPasted46″>”I was always an anxious child, looked always worried about something. After my mom’s death, at 58, when I was 19, I was always worried about my dad. When I lost him exactly 19 years after, I can say, I don’t have any major worries in my life… I know it’s awful, but it’s liberating… I can live for myself“- it’s not awful, if I may say so. It’s wonderful!</p>
    <p class=”ContentPasted46”>“I hope you feel free now. I know you are far from her…  How (do you) feel about your life and your feeling right now? Tell me if you wish“- freedom was not easy for me to experience: after no longer having my mother in my life, I kept projecting her into other people. When a person looked at me in a particular way, in my mind’s eye, I saw my mother looking at me critically and I experienced the same anxiety, shame, guilt and discomfort in my own skin that I felt before. I had to not only peel off my mother from my life, but I had to peel off her legacy as well.</p>
    Our childhood years are called our Formative Years because our brain is literally being formed when we are children, and the most powerful person in our lives, our primary caretaker (usually the mother), is formed into our brains. My emotional freedom is still a process: I am freer today than I was yesterday, I will be freer tomorrow than I am today, for as long as I am committed to this process.

    anita

    #410253
    anita
    Participant

    Reposted:

    Dear Farnaz:

    I wonder, does your sister have a relationship with you mom now?“- yes, my sister lives close to my mother and I imagine that she has a relationship with her mother. I haven’t asked her about it (not since May of 2013), nor did she share, and I would like to keep it this way.

    do you feel free, or constantly reliving the situation?“- can you tell me, in detail, what you mean by “constantly reliving the situation”, and who in your life (sister, someone else as well?) did you witness doing that?

    “I was always an anxious child, looked always worried about something. After my mom’s death, at 58, when I was 19, I was always worried about my dad. When I lost him exactly 19 years after, I can say, I don’t have any major worries in my life… I know it’s awful, but it’s liberating… I can live for myself“- it’s not awful to be liberated, if I may say so. It’s wonderful!

    I hope you feel free now. I know you are far from her…  How (do you) feel about your life and your feeling right now? Tell me if you wish“- freedom was not easy for me to experience: after no longer having my mother in my life, I kept projecting her into other people. When a person looked at me in a particular way, in my mind’s eye, I saw my mother looking at me critically and I experienced the same anxiety, shame, guilt and discomfort in my own skin that I felt before. I had to not only peel off my mother from my life, but I had to peel off her legacy as well.

    Our childhood years are called our Formative Years because our brain is literally being formed when we are children, and the most powerful person in our lives, our primary caretaker (usually the mother), is formed into our brains. My emotional freedom is still a process: I am freer today than I was yesterday, I will be freer tomorrow than I am today, for as long as I am committed to this process.

    anita

    #410254
    farnaz
    Participant

    dear anita sorry for  replying late .

    im kinda overwhelmed with packing , im gonna reply to you in few hours

    take care

    #410255
    anita
    Participant

    Thank you for the note, Farnaz! Take your time, no rush (in a couple of hours I will be going out anyway and wouldn’t be near the computer for hours).

    anita

    #410484
    farnaz
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    sorry for being late , but at least im writing from my new flat now , its been 2 exhausting days but finally i got settled mostly .

     I haven’t asked her about it (not since May of 2013), nor did she share, and I would like to keep it this way. their relationship was much different as you said and maybe that works for her , that made me wonder if i would have a relationship with my mom if she was alive.

    about reliving the situation , i feel like my sister is constantly thinking about what happened between her and my mom and she would react to everything even slightly close to the situation back then , she was very upset once we visited her abroad to the point we my dad and i should reschedule our flight because we couldnt handle her temper , she brang past in every chance he got during 10 days visit and although i was upset i was wondering how she is living with herself if she is keeping remembering all those bad memories , i know our present was triggering for her , i know you went under therapy and you are healing but sometimes you cant help but reminding all bad memories. that can take your freedom

    I had to not only peel off my mother from my life, but I had to peel off her legacy as well.that s very well said , </strong>in my case i should my peel off my both parents legacy , of course my moms is more dreading . one of my strategies is when i try to distinguish between my own voices and my mothers in difficult situation , i mean is it my own feeling or something that would my mom said which was demeaning most of the times and choosing my own .

    i hope to hear from you soon

    farnaz

     

    #410486
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Farnaz:

    Congratulations on your move!!!

    About reliving the situation, I feel like my sister is constantly thinking about what happened between her and my mom, and she would react to everything even slightly (similar) to the situation back then. She was very upset once (when) we visited her abroad to the point my dad and I (thought we) should reschedule our flight because we couldn’t handle her temper. She brought up the past every chance she got during a 10 days visit, and although I was upset, I was wondering how she is living with herself if she keeps remembering all those bad memories. I know our presence was triggering for her“-

    -this is my best understanding of the above (based on my own experience): your sister remembers but she is not sure about what really happened to her. She is conflicted and she needs you and your father to help her understand. She sounds confident (doesn’t she?) when she angrily declares that your mother was wrong having said this and done that to her… She sounds confident because she is trying to convince you and herself that she was indeed wronged by her mother. She does not feel confident that indeed it happened.

    She thinks that because you and your father know her mother, since you lived with her, you’d know the truth and you’d confirm to her the truth she suspects. Her memories themselves do not convince her. She needs your confirmation.

    When she tells you about her experience with her mother, she is asking for your help. But you and your father do not understand that she is asking for your help. You probably respond with neutrality, which is driving her crazy.

    If she stopped doubting her experience, she would stop reliving it in the effort of trying to figure it out.

    One of my strategies is when I try to distinguish between my own voices and my mother’s in difficult situation, I mean is it my own feeling or something that my mom would say, which was demeaning most of the times, and choosing my own“- your mother has a mental representative residing in your brain, talking to you. Much like your mother has a mental rep residing in your sister’s brain, telling your sister that she (your sister) is Wrong, that she is thinking Wrong, understanding Wrong. So, she keeps doubting herself still, in her 50s.

    As you further develop your own strong, confident voice, the mental rep’s voice will weaken and weaken.

    anita

    #410490
    farnaz
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    thank you very much

    you are very insightful , If she stopped doubting her experience, she would stop reliving it in the effort of trying to figure it out.wow thats so true , i remember my dad was also angry about my mom and obviousely me , for me personally when i realized that my mom was wrong about a lot of thing in her life , i mean not only realizing but believing it , i took my power back in a very deep level , my dad was also aware of the fact that she was treating him bad because she had problems , my dad wasnt innocent of course , he could be more active in reducing damage to his children , i suppose .but that realization made both of us relieved , we did it in separate way , nobody could do it for me nor for him . i personally begin to forgive her when i see her as a HUMAN , what you said about my sister experiences is exactly true , she is not sure about herself , she thinks she s wrong , she was a bad daughter thats why my mom was mean to her but in my perspective no matter how she was or any of us were, we didnt deserve to be treated like it , its self confidence , for me its been a long way to reach to that point and i was through the darkest place to actually reach it ,but  i think its fundamental to start healing , and thats just a beginning , i believe my sister still see her mother as a perfect person and she sees herself as some worthless piece of crap who wont reach my moms standard , never ever . its sad , she is her 50 s

    you know i remember in first months when mom passed i was telling myself , i should live not inly as myself but also as her too , i mean instead of her , but after i got older and begin to find myself ( im still developing, in right direction I hope) ,i was telling myself , screw her , i need to live as MYSELF , as i like im a different person with different likes and dislikes , i deserve to be happy and do what makes ME happy not anybody else , my mom had her chance , im gonna judge if she wasted her life , its not my place and i don`t wanna go to that place to analyze her life .

    about my brother , i believe he doesnot even think , what happened to him was unfair , he never talked about it , i believe he totally blocked it , because it`s too painful for him.

    You probably respond with neutrality, which is driving her crazy. EXACTLY  i m like ok that was your childhood but you were over 30 years far from your family , how you can be so affected by that , ive never said that to her but that i was thinking all the time , she could just cut all the ties , she didnt  need us , but that wasnt what she wanted , she wanted proves that we are all the bad guys and she is not worthless . thank you for telling it , i truly appreciate it

    take care

    Farnaz

    #410495
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Farnaz:

    You are welcome. I thoroughly read your recent post (I am impressed by your understanding!) and thought that I will be able to reply this afternoon, but once again, there is so much to our conversation that I need Tues morning to re-read and reply. Take care of yourself!

    anita

    #410525
    farnaz
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    thank you

    no problem , take your time and have a good day

    Farnaz

    #410526
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Farnaz:
    <p class=”ContentPasted88 ContentPasted100″>”when I realized that my mom was wrong…  believing it, I took my power back on a very deep level… she (sister) thinks she was wrong, she was a bad daughter“- believing that one is fundamentally wrong when one is not, takes one’s power away. Your sister is still seeking to reunite with her lost power, the power that was robbed from her.</p>
    <p class=”ContentPasted88 ContentPasted100″>”I believe my sister still sees her mother as a perfect person“- she still sees her (deceased) mother as perfectly powerful.</p>
    <p class=”ContentPasted88 ContentPasted100″>”screw her, I need to live as MYSELF… I deserve to be happy and do what makes ME happy, not anybody else“- you felt powerful enough to mentally separate yourself from your mother. Your sister cannot yet make this separation.</p>
    <p class=”ContentPasted88 ContentPasted100″>”About my brother, I believe he does not even think what happened to him was unfair, he never talked about it. I believe he totally blocked it because it`s too painful for him“- maybe he observed that when your sister confronted his mother with the truth about her hurt, his mother hurt his sister even more. So, he learned to not confront anyone with the truth of his hurt.</p>
    <p class=”ContentPasted88 ContentPasted100″>”I’m like ok that was your childhood but you were over 30 years far from your family, how you can be so affected by that“- in 30 years, your sister shed her skin cells many times over; she replaced her red blood cells with new cells.. but she did not shed any of her brain cells. Same brain cells and same connections between brain cells (without significant and long-term therapy, in her case)= same core beliefs, same thought patterns, same emotions.</p>
    <p class=”ContentPasted88 ContentPasted100″>All of us adults are boys and girls in adult bodies, even when we are old… boys and girls running around or shuffling in aging bodies. Your sister, in her 50s, is still the girl that she was before you (Farnaz) were born.</p>
    <p class=”ContentPasted88 ContentPasted100″>”She could just cut all the ties, she didn’t need us, but that wasn’t what she wanted, she wanted proofs that we are all the bad guys and she is not worthless“- She can’t cut ties when her basic power is with her mother. She needs her lost power back. You became one of “the bad guys” in her mind because you supported the bad guy in her life: her mother.</p>
    But her pain, her loss of power, her loss of quality of life… these are none of your fault.

    * I  just read your short post of six minutes ago.

    anita
    <div class=”ContentPasted88 ContentPasted100″>

     

    </div>

    #410527
    anita
    Participant

    Reposting:

    Dear Farnaz:

    when I realized that my mom was wrong…  believing it, I took my power back on a very deep level… she (sister) thinks she was wrong, she was a bad daughter“- believing that one is fundamentally wrong when one is not, takes one’s power away. Your sister is still seeking to reunite with her lost power, the power that was robbed from her.

    I believe my sister still sees her mother as a perfect person“- she still sees her (deceased) mother as perfectly powerful.

    screw her, I need to live as MYSELF… I deserve to be happy and do what makes ME happy, not anybody else“- you felt powerful enough to mentally separate yourself from your mother. Your sister cannot yet make this separation.

    About my brother, I believe he does not even think what happened to him was unfair, he never talked about it. I believe he totally blocked it because it`s too painful for him“- maybe he observed that when your sister confronted his mother with the truth about her hurt, his mother hurt his sister even more. So, he learned to not confront anyone with the truth of his hurt.

    I’m like ok that was your childhood but you were over 30 years far from your family, how you can be so affected by that“- in 30 years, your sister shed her skin cells many times over; she replaced her red blood cells with new cells.. but she did not shed any of her brain cells. Same brain cells and same connections between brain cells (without significant and long-term therapy, in her case)= same core beliefs, same thought patterns, same emotions.

    All of us adults are boys and girls in adult bodies, even when we are old… boys and girls running around or shuffling in aging bodies. Your sister, in her 50s, is still the girl that she was before you (Farnaz) were born.

    She could just cut all the ties, she didn’t need us, but that wasn’t what she wanted, she wanted proofs that we are all the bad guys and she is not worthless“- She can’t cut ties when her basic power is with her mother. She needs her lost power back. You became one of “the bad guys” in her mind because you supported the bad guy in her life: her mother.
    But her pain, her loss of power, her loss of quality of life… these are none of your fault.

    * I  just read your short post of six minutes ago.

    anita

    #410566
    farnaz
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    i`m gonna reply to you in few hours , sorry for being late

    have a good night sleep

    F

    #410589
    anita
    Participant

    Thank you for the note, Farnaz!

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 61 through 75 (of 105 total)

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