Hi Tee,

Yes he is quite troubled, like my collegue said that guy’s all over the place. I would definitly have endended up triggering each other, because in some aspects we all completely alike and have our own unhealthy coping mechanisms that would have worked against us. With the guy earlier this year, he had a stable childhood (and life) so it was just me who got triggered when he got too close. I was bouncing off of him like a rubber ball, but he kept staying there, meaning that it made it easier for me to let my guard down. With me and the cute guy, we both bounce. Like sometimes when I get nervous I use humour to cope, but he didn’t pick up on the fact that I was joking and he took it personally and got defensive and sometimes he says something innocent I end up getting defensive so your right it wouldn’t have been the dream I have in mind.

I’m gonna start to watch Dr Nicole Lepera’s videos tonight. Being in the overwhelming state of fight/flight is by far the harddest for me to deal with. Like the time in the bar where a girl was flirting with him, that one was so strong it took me a week to return to my baseline. A process a want to speed up so for one I don’t do anything that I might regret and also because it’s extremely hard on your mind a body to be in.

There’s a lot of situations at the moment where I can try this. One being around him and trying to keep my anxiety at a level, and try to make conversations with him as I do with every one else. Two is that three people left work and they hired 11 new people to work reception. It is hard for me to have that many new people to deal with(they all have been really nice) but the pretty girls they have hired to work reception with him always makes me very jealous. That is not something new, I have reacted the same way with every new girl they hired since April. Maybe it is because there’s something that’s important to me (him) and that it is something outside my control. I don’t like being in control it is a trigger for me. My flatmate has also moved out which I am sad about because it worked really well between us, tomorrow a couple moves in. It’s a small flat with only two rooms and one bathroom, so I am very nervous about how it’s going to be going forward. I hope they are nice.

I’m gonna reach out to more people and go out and have fun. It’s good for me and I get to do more then just work and then go home.

I am hoping the X and Y invite me to their party, because I still feel like they are my primary group, and would be nice to try being around friends again on my birthday.