Dear Katrine,

I am sorry about the latest bar incident. It seems to me that you first felt triggered by your guy’s request to move so they can see the screen. You took at is your fault, you felt embarrassed that you were in the way:

the cute guy came up and had a proposal, that we could join him at his table (he sat with a female guest) so that everybody could see. I felt ashamed that I was in the way that much even though it was a really big screen. The guys went what if we just move out of the way to the side, he then said or you can join at the table

Even though the reality is that all three of you were in the way, not just you. And besides, it’s not something you should blame yourself for. It’s not a reason to be ashamed. You did nothing wrong, and you’re not a bad person for accidentally being in the way. But I understand why you reacted like that… I’ll come back to it in a second.

So I think that was the first trigger: when your guy asked you to move. You felt ashamed and embarrassed, and perhaps rejected too. And it activated your fight-or-flight response. You started getting anxious… And it only got worse when you later saw your guy sitting near some girl (a hostel guest) on a couch. Your anxiety skyrocketed and you left.

The reality of the situation is that there was no rejection whatsoever, because your guy actually offered you to join him at the table. But the three of you refused and rather moved to the side.

But as I said, I understand why you were triggered, and why you felt ashamed and embarrassed when he asked you to move a little. I think it has a lot to do with you being blamed for everything by your sister. In September 2020 you shared about your sister having a tantrum when you politely asked her not to have company in the house for too long:

She started yelling and screaming in my face, pulling her hair and rolling around on the floor. Then proceaded to verbally turn her anger out on my parents. All of this becuase I politly told her that the people she invited to my parents house shouldn’t stay too long, and that we should just have the cake somewhere else.

She didn’t respect your needs, she instead accused you of being the bad guy. And your mother, instead of calming her down and assuring you that you’re not a bad guy, had a mental breakdown, was crying all day and gave you the silent treatment  (This was the last straw for my mom. She’s crying all day and refusing to talk) You probably felt like it’s all your fault, because now not only your sister is upset but also your mother, whom you didn’t want to upset.

I am guessing there have been many incidents like that, where you felt it’s your fault for wanting anything for yourself. You were told by your sister that you’re selfish if you wanted anything for yourself. And it got indirectly confirmed by your mother too, who didn’t tell you that you were selfish, but was suffering due to the conflict in the house. So you’ve concluded: “It’s my fault, I am selfish, I am to be blamed.”

Your sister seems to be still accusing you for the things that are not your fault, and it still affects you a lot:

My sister has been on the warpath with me, I couldn’t make it home for my nephew’s christening and she is trying to turn it into a personal thing of me doing it to hurt her deliberately (that one send me into a panic attack at work, cried in the bathroom)

So your sister’s guilt-tripping you is another major trigger for you. She has been doing that for most of her life, I guess, and she was allowed to do it by your parents. And the result is that you indeed feel guilty and a selfish person. That’s another false belief that you need to get rid of: that you’re a selfish person. That you are selfish for having needs and preferences of your own, which might clash with those of your sister’s.

You’re not selfish for having your own needs and preferences, and you have the right to live a life that makes you happy. You’re not a bad person for wanting that.

So try to familiarize yourself with this thought – that you’re not selfish for having your own needs and preferences. That you’re not a bad person for that.

I am glad you still had positive experiences recently – wearing a new feminine outfit, in which you felt comfortable and for which you got compliments from both guys and girls. And also, that you’re going for coffee with a new co-worker, strengthening your “socializing muscle” 🙂