Dear Joanna:

“For hours I used to listen her vent about everyone… but she never told them all this, just me. Did not want a solution to her issues with people, no confrontation…  My job was to be a ‘dumpster’ for her venting“- exactly my experience. When I offered her solutions, which included her being honest with the people she was angry with (telling them what it is that she needed or felt, however gently and kindly), she responded by verbally ATTACKING ME. She didn’t want anything from me other than me being a dumpster for her venting, just like you said.

“I hear but I don’t listen. I lock the door and can’t remember doing this“- again, exactly my experience. For many years, I inattentively/ mindlessly moved along in life, like a leaf blown by the wind, taken any way the wind blew.

“Next time I am attentive and say out loud to myself:  “door locked” (my neighbor thinks it’s funny) and I do not come back and check. I consider it small success“- no success is too small to acknowledge and celebrate!

“Riding a bike helps me because I have to be attentive… It’s better than meditating for me because it’s active“- it reminds me of a book I read about, a book titled Walking Meditation, walking (active) meditation is easier for many people than sitting (passive) meditation.

“I transfer all my guilt and shame to her because it was hers to begin with. She projected it on some people in her life including me, but it did not fix her. With time she has become a master in abusing, evil person. There’s resentment but it is directed at my mother, not myself – I deserved to have a loving mother and she failed me“- I couldn’t have said it better. She did indeed transfer a LOT of shame into me and I suffered from it for many years, and I too deserved a loving mother, not a shaming mother!

“Anita, Take care. I am happy we communicate here and appreciate it a lot“- and I am so glad you returned to your thread: thank you, and take care as well!

anita