Dear Katrine,

Your right there wasn’t any rejection directed at me, but I took it that way. …  I am just really sensitive in these situations, I need to practise this more.

Yeah, and I think it’s good to be aware what triggers your sensitivity, i.e. hypervigilance. You mentioned what it is for you: loud music, lots of people, not being able to see the exit… When you’re in those kind of situations, there is a higher chance that your anxiety will spiral out of control. Therefore it’s good to be prepared (because you don’t want to necessarily avoid such situations all of the time) and sort of count on it, and have a plan what to do in those situations, which will help you stay more calm.

There is a youtube video by psychologist Kati Morton, titled “7 tips to stop hypervigilance from PTSD“, where she explains how to help yourself, both in general and in those triggering situations. One of the key tools is deep belly breathing, same what Dr. Lepera suggested too. This deep breathing should best be practiced when you’re not triggered, but when you feel calm, so that when you get triggered, you can apply it immediately.

I think that apart from deep breathing in triggering situations, you might add a mantra of your choice, telling yourself positive affirmations, e.g. I am worthy, I am lovable, People like me. Or you may apply another self-soothing method, which will help you calm down.

In any case, I think having a contingency plan would be really helpful, because it would help you feel more empowered rather than helpless when those triggers occur.

Just as a side note, another calming method is progressive muscle relaxation (not mentioned in Kati Morton’s video, but elsewhere). This too should be practiced once per day – not in triggering situations, but when you’re calm. I think this is like an “exercise” for our nervous system – it teaches our nervous system how to relax better.

There has been so many incidents with my sister reacting very strongly and me being blamed for it. Lately with the christening, my parents usually don’t take my side in this case they did and it was really nice to try.

Good they took your side in this instance… but unfortunately, this was an exception to the rule. Because throughout your childhood and youth you were regularly blamed for things that were not your fault, while your sister was excused from blame and responsibility, I guess due to her illness?

It so hard when your walking on eggshells. Like during the pandemic I sunk into a depression so bad that I was thinking about suicide every single day, I honestly didn’t think I would survive it. My sister ask me to come to her house (with a few other people) to meet her new boyfriend but I couldn’t get out of the house (cuz of the depression) I kindly declined and the next day a girl called my and told me so your just staying away to be passive agressive and hurt your sister. That hurt.

Yes, that was very hurtful. She seems like a very self-centered person, without much empathy or understanding for others, specially for you. It’s all about her (me, me, me), and nothing about you and your needs.

That feeling the people think that I am a bad person, especially since I spend most of my life being a people pleaser and didn’t have any boundaries cuz they made me feel selfish. Now I am learning that a boundary isn’t a no to them but a yes to myself.

Yes! You said it perfectly! Keep applying it, don’t fall for your sister’s (or anyone else’s) manipulation and guilt-tripping!

The coffee date was a succes. We spend all day together and had the best time it went by so fast, and she is totally up for doing it again. So I am very happy that I asked.

I am so happy for you! That’s a really good development. I am so so glad….