Dear Joanna:

You are welcome.  “I feel like all those years I had her opinions, her assumptions“- notice when it happens that you just had a thought that was your own opinion, your own preference on this or that matter (clothes, food, etc.), and make a mental note of it (or have a paper list of such that you carry with you in your purse).

“I was rude because he did not make a good impression“- our mothers’ judgmental thoughts and feelings quickly and energetically flow into our first impressions of people because first impressions happen before we have a chance to .. entertain our own thoughts.

I asked you in regard to your mother: “she enjoyed venting her anger at people, didn’t she..?” (all of the boldfaced and italicized in this post are my addition).

You answered in regard to your mother’s anger, using the example of the cousin: “She even applauded me when I was sometimes angry at someone, trying to make me more angry, making up assumptions how this person was even more evil, because she or he said this or that… This one time I was angry at my cousin.. I got angry… I shouted something like ‘YOU get out of here!’…  My mother used to talk about this situation for years.  She was proud of me I lost my temper. She used to say ‘I really regret you did not hit her when you had the chance!‘. She loved how upset I was then. I cannot express this with words here how excited she was… My mother was excited and proud of me… She always used to say how my cousin was little and was not behaving sometimes and my mother would spank her and ‘it was so satisfying‘…”.

In regard to your anger at the cousin, you wrote: “my hands were shaking, my heart was beating fast and I could not move, I was terrified. I cried for days after this. Not only because of my cousin, I think overall I had a breakdown. I am ashamed of this”.

– What happens when we get ANGRY is that the hormone adrenaline aka epinephrine is rushed into our blood. Different people feel differently during an adrenaline rush: some people feel primarily excited and powerful, a positive emotional and physical experience (your mother, my mother); others feel primarily anxious, a negative emotional and physical experience.

web md. com/ what to know about an adrenaline rush: “Adrenaline, also known as epinephrine, is a stress hormone. An adrenaline rush can feel like anxiousness, nervousness, or pure excitement as your body and mind are preparing for an event. There are certain activities like skydiving and bungee jumping that give you an adrenaline rush…This feeling either excites you or amps up your anxiety for whatever event you’re facing… An adrenaline rush can heighten your abilities, making you feel invincible. This process is meant to help you overcome the situation that is causing your extreme stress”.

Your mother and you experienced anger differently: it primarily excited her, made her feel powerful and proud; it primarily scared you, made you feel weak and ashamed. She enjoyed it; you did not.

Does this lead you to a better understanding of her anger vs yours?

anita