Dear Farnaz:

You are welcome! In your most recent post you shared that currently, if you are aware that someone crosses you, you are “assertive as hell” (I like the expression), that your father was subtle in the ways he crossed you/ the ways he took advantage of you: “my father… (was) subtle and at times, I wasn’t aware I was taken advantage of“, and that your mother was not subtle in the ways she crossed you: “my mom… (was) more open and wanted to intimidate me“.

“if somebody crosses me, I’m assertive as hell, I’m gonna call them out, not all the time though, some people including my father… were more subtle and at times, I wasn’t aware I was taken advantage of“-

In your original post you wrote on Nov 6 (exactly a month ago!): “My father was an ok guy not perfect of course, he lied a lot to me… Even before he got married he was very sneaky and passive aggressive with me” – you wrote this at the age of 38, looking back all the way to your childhood, with some awareness that you gained years after your childhood.

I think that when you were a child, in your child-mind, your father was The Good Parent, The perfect guy, and the leftover of that belief is in what you expressed in the original post (describing him as “an ok guy, not perfect of course“, right before stating that he lied to you a lot). I think that your self-esteem is quite strong now because you were able- as a child and for long enough- to maintain this belief in him being the good guy, pushing his lies and sneaky behaviors away from your awareness.

I think that you tolerated the “bitter people” while he was alive because in your child-mind, he was still the good/ perfect guy, so you maintained contact with the people who came with him. “After his death, I changed my opinion about people around me, partly because I realized life is too short to waste (it) with people who I don’t really enjoy being with” (Nov 6)- there was no reason to maintain these people once he was gone.

I think that your mother, in her unsubtle, openly hostile ways made your father look like the good guy in comparison, and much of your self-esteem- as a child- has been tied to seeing him this way.

Yesterday, you shared: “(I hung) out with people who were similar to my family, I couldn’t count on them, they betrayed me, they mistreated me and bullied me, and I was too forgiving. In my mind, this was normal“- I think that you included your father in this sentence, only he did the bullying etc. in subtle ways, and you forgave him when you were a child and onward because he was the best of what was available to you. A child has to believe that someone in her family is trustworthy, otherwise, it’s disastrous to the child’s psyche. I am glad that your father was subtle enough to make it possible for you to be able to push his hostility outside your awareness for long enough.

Back to your most recent pos: “I know I’m a strong person… strong or foolish?? enough to forgive him“- I think that it was not at all foolish of you, as a child (and for as long as you needed to), to forgive him and to see him in the best light that was available to you. If you didn’t.. you wouldn’t turn out to be the strong woman that you are today.

I asked you: “Did you change that much?“, and you answered: “yes I did , a lot. I have now zero tolerance for other’s bs, that’s why I cut ties with lots of people and I have no regrets“- you are now able to see your father as he was and therefore, you are able to let go of the people who were connected to him. Your self-esteem and confidence now reside in who you are (not in who your parents were… or weren’t), in your ability to evaluate people with awareness and honesty… and in your ability now to choose people who are right for you.

anita