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being surrounded with bitter people and lonliness

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Viewing 15 posts - 136 through 150 (of 246 total)
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  • #411342
    farnaz
    Participant

    dear Anita

    i don`t think people who ignore abuse are any better than abuser themselves

    you said something before about another people choosing you rather than you choosing them ,could you elaborate?if you like?

    far

    #411346
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Farnaz:

    I meant that walking through life, literally and figuratively, as an adult (18 years and older), I didn’t pay much attention to what was around me. I was very spaced out, living in my own head.. simply not registering my surroundings. An example that stuck: I once … found myself in the middle of a busy street, awakened from.. almost a dream, I suppose, by the rushing of a heavy truck right in front of me. The noise of the truck awakened me and I didn’t remember myself walking toward a street or crossing it. Otherwise, I didn’t look at people around me unless they were clearly and directly approaching me. Therefore, I didn’t choose people. Does this answer your question?

    anita

    #411365
    farnaz
    Participant

    dear Anita

    yes , it does . and i can relate to it a lot .  i was and am , much less than before , lived in my head until recently i realized nothing would happen or change if i don`t Do anything ,  i believe the less we think the more we are happy.

    like you, another thing i  realized that i didnt pay attention to my surrounding , as i was living in my head  i didnt  care about being organized , i didnt care about who im spending  time with , as the title of my post , i was surrounded with bitter people and not nice ones and i didnt care for it for such a long time , because in my life it was only me who could help me . although its true and after all , you are the one who should pick yourself up when you are down , but being in contact with people who dont want your best interests doesnt help .and i got used to it , that became a normal. But  you want to be around with positive people who can at least keep your spirit up , i underestimated the role of others in my happiness or misery a a lot and i paid for it dearly .

    #411372
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Farnaz:

    As I was living in my head… I didn’t care about who I’m spending  time with, as the title of my post (indicates), I was surrounded by bitter people and not nice ones and I didn’t care… because in my life, it was only me who could help me…that became a normal. But  you want to be around positive people who can at least keep your spirit up, I underestimated the role of others in my happiness or misery a lot, and I paid for it dearly“-

    -in what ways did you dearly pay for underestimating the role of others (who were not your family members) in your happiness or misery?

    In my adult life, I hoped that someone (particularly a man, I guess because it were men who approached me, not women) will save me from my mother somehow, someone to give me safety and an okay feeling, for a change. Did you have that hope, that dream?

    anita

    #411374
    farnaz
    Participant

    dear Anita

    in what ways did you dearly pay for underestimating the role of others (who were not your family members) in your happiness or misery? by hanging out with people who were similar to my family , i couldnt count on them , they betrayed me , they mistreated me and bullied me , and i was too forgiving . in my mind this was normal , if i couldnt get along with them , that was my fault and it was according to my mom .

    i havent even heard about the standards a friend should have , e,g trust worthy , having my back. , being there for me . therefore i put up with a lot of bad behaviors. strengthening my core believe that people are bad . also validating my parents view that i dont deserve to be treated well because i wasn’t good enough .

    i had always connecting with people, surprise , surprise . i felt so pessimistic about them specially men and i chose subconsciously guys who were like my dad . liar , cold  hearted and selfish , confirming my inner believes that there is no good man out there , until i realized its not true and there are good people out there and i shouldn't hang out with easiest options and i definitely shouldnt tolerate bad behaviors, for a while i was confronting them and calling them out for their behavior , hoping them to change and that didnt do any good , i was giving my power to them  , till i accepted that they are who they are and i should leave if i cant deal with them . but i wasted  a lot of time trying to change them or changing myself to please them

    farnaz

    #411379
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Farnaz:

    They mistreated me and bullied me, and I was too forgiving. In my mind this was normal, if I couldn’t get along with them, that was my fault and it was according to my mom. I haven’t even heard about the standards a friend should have, e.g. trustworthy, having my back…I was giving my power to them…“- the Farnaz I’ve been talking with in these 10 pages, came a long way…didn’t she? I can’t imagine a person who expresses herself the way you do, submitting to bullies. I can’t imagine you being passive in the face of abuse… giving your power away.

    Did you change that much?

    anita

    #411389
    farnaz
    Participant

    dear Anita

    thank you very much for your note , it warmed my heart ,

    to answer your question, well , thats hard . if you saw me in person , you would think , you can easily take advantage of me , not that you would .im laid back and dont talk too much except with people im comfortable with .but if somebody crosses me im assertive as hell , im gonna call them out , not all the times though , some people including my father and his brothers family , the infamous aunt i talked about , they were more subtle and at that time i wasnt aware i was taking advantage of , so i didnt react versus bullies like my mom , my sister ,  some classmates some of my colleagues were more open and wanted to intimidate me , then storm was gonna follow . i know im strong person , and that pissed off a lot of people including my dad but sometimes i was mistreated because of my strength , maybe they wanted the challenge to break me even harder or i was abandonned for my step mother for example because he knew i could handle mistreatment and i`m strong or foolish ?? enough to forgive him but she was gonna hurt herself or him because she was gonna have a total meltdown .

    Did you change that much? yes i did , a lot . i have now zero tolerance for others bs , thats why i cut ties with lots of people and i have no regrets .

    Farnaz

    #411404
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Farnaz:

    You are welcome! In your most recent post you shared that currently, if you are aware that someone crosses you, you are “assertive as hell” (I like the expression), that your father was subtle in the ways he crossed you/ the ways he took advantage of you: “my father… (was) subtle and at times, I wasn’t aware I was taken advantage of“, and that your mother was not subtle in the ways she crossed you: “my mom… (was) more open and wanted to intimidate me“.

    if somebody crosses me, I’m assertive as hell, I’m gonna call them out, not all the time though, some people including my father… were more subtle and at times, I wasn’t aware I was taken advantage of“-

    In your original post you wrote on Nov 6 (exactly a month ago!): “My father was an ok guy not perfect of course, he lied a lot to me… Even before he got married he was very sneaky and passive aggressive with me” – you wrote this at the age of 38, looking back all the way to your childhood, with some awareness that you gained years after your childhood.

    I think that when you were a child, in your child-mind, your father was The Good Parent, The perfect guy, and the leftover of that belief is in what you expressed in the original post (describing him as “an ok guy, not perfect of course“, right before stating that he lied to you a lot). I think that your self-esteem is quite strong now because you were able- as a child and for long enough- to maintain this belief in him being the good guy, pushing his lies and sneaky behaviors away from your awareness.

    I think that you tolerated the “bitter people” while he was alive because in your child-mind, he was still the good/ perfect guy, so you maintained contact with the people who came with him. “After his death, I changed my opinion about people around me, partly because I realized life is too short to waste (it) with people who I don’t really enjoy being with” (Nov 6)- there was no reason to maintain these people once he was gone.

    I think that your mother, in her unsubtle, openly hostile ways made your father look like the good guy in comparison, and much of your self-esteem- as a child- has been tied to seeing him this way.

    Yesterday, you shared: “(I hung) out with people who were similar to my family, I couldn’t count on them, they betrayed me, they mistreated me and bullied me, and I was too forgiving. In my mind, this was normal“- I think that you included your father in this sentence, only he did the bullying etc. in subtle ways, and you forgave him when you were a child and onward because he was the best of what was available to you. A child has to believe that someone in her family is trustworthy, otherwise, it’s disastrous to the child’s psyche. I am glad that your father was subtle enough to make it possible for you to be able to push his hostility outside your awareness for long enough.

    Back to your most recent pos: “I know I’m a strong person… strong or foolish?? enough to forgive him“- I think that it was not at all foolish of you, as a child (and for as long as you needed to), to forgive him and to see him in the best light that was available to you. If you didn’t.. you wouldn’t turn out to be the strong woman that you are today.

    I asked you: “Did you change that much?“, and you answered: “yes I did , a lot. I have now zero tolerance for other’s bs, that’s why I cut ties with lots of people and I have no regrets“- you are now able to see your father as he was and therefore, you are able to let go of the people who were connected to him. Your self-esteem and confidence now reside in who you are (not in who your parents were… or weren’t), in your ability to evaluate people with awareness and honesty… and in your ability now to choose people who are right for you.

    anita

    #411415
    farnaz
    Participant

    dear Anita

    i read your post and i`m going to reply back tomorrow

    have a good day

    Farnaz

    #411418
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Thank you for the note, Farnaz. See you tomorrow!

    anita

    #411460
    farnaz
    Participant

    dear Anita

    to be honest , i dont know why replying to this particular post was hard for me , i almost cried when reading it , i had a mixed feeling of happiness and grief . i said before this is the end of an era . nothing is gonna like before , and im sad but hopeful in the same time . i loved my dad from early childhood , and he was the one who i believed loved me the most .i didnt even like my mom and didnt care for her till she got sick .  when she passed even grieving her was much more complicated , i don`t know why everything about her is so complicated .

     I think that your self-esteem is quite strong now because you were able- as a child and for long enough- to maintain this belief in him being the good guy, pushing his lies and sneaky behaviors away from your awareness. i learnt to love him despite i knew he was liar and back stabber but  i kept my distance  he had obviously a very bad effect in my romantic life that i couldn`t skip

     he was still the good/ perfect guy, so you maintained contact with the people who came with him…there was no reason to maintain these people once he was gone very well said . i feel relieved

    to forgive him and to see him in the best light that was available to you. If you didn’t.. you wouldn’t turn out to be the strong woman that you are today. yes , exactly , in another way i got stronger because all the mess , he put me through directly or indirectly , i learnt to find my way and define myself a separate being which was totally neglected when my mom was still around . i read somewhere a few years ago that children who have a  life separated  from their parents are usually happier . in my culture living with your parents till you get married is common , so having a life for yourself usually means having your hobbies , friends and job so you are not completely dependent on your family financially and emotionally

    i remember i was a happy kid when i was 7 to 11 , i  danced without any music all the time  , lol , and i didnt care about others opinion , i wasnt self conscious and it was glorious time , the other night i was checking my instagram explore and i watched teenage girl dancing very well and i remembered my self when i was so naive , joyful and blissfully ignorant and i wondered if i could  return to that time , of course its not possible but all the storm in my life and all the hardship now i trust myself much more than before and if thats not a cause of celebration , i dont know what it is ?we can be super cautious and scared of past experiences but i believe that couldnt help us , i was isolated and not really dealing with lots of people and i still got hurt .

    farnaz

     

    #411475
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Farnaz:

    I don’t know why replying to this particular post was hard for me. I almost cried when reading it“- I think that it’s your past love for your father that made you cry, a past love that is still there.

    I had a mixed feeling of happiness and grief. I said it before, this is the end of an era. Nothing is gonna (be) like before, and I am sad but hopeful at the same time. I loved my dad from early childhood, and he was the one who I believed loved me the most… he was a liar and a back stabber“- of the possible sources of love in your childhood, he was the best (or the least bad). When a person is thirsty enough, he/ she will drink water that is a bit muddy, if that’s the only water available. I think that the end of the era is about you preparing to quench your thirst with water that is not muddied by lies and back stabbing.

    I learned to love him despite (knowing) he was liar and back stabber“- you had no choice but to love him as a child because he was the closest to love that was available to you, and you had to have something in your life that- at least at times-  looked like love, sounded like love, and felt like love.

    I learned to find my way and define myself as a separate being… I remember I was a happy kid when I was 7 to 11, I  danced without any music all the time…  I was so naive,  joyful and blissfully ignorant and I wondered if I could  return to that time, of course it’s not possible“- it’s not possible for you to go back in time. But it is possible for you to dance with or without music.

    I trust myself much more than before, and if that’s not a cause for celebration, I don’t know what is?“- trusting yourself is definitely a cause for celebration!!!

    We can be super cautious and scared of past experiences, but I believe that couldn’t help us. I was isolated and not really dealing with lots of people and I still got hurt“- if you no longer have mud in your water, you can drink it without caution and fear. Imagine that…?

    anita

    #411514
    farnaz
    Participant

    dear Anita

    of the possible sources of love in your childhood, he was the best (or the least bad). When a person is thirsty enough, he/ she will drink water that is a bit muddy, if that’s the only water available. I think that the end of the era is about you preparing to quench your thirst with water that is not muddied by lies and back stabbing. when we are child we are told that the people who have our best interests are our parents and nobody gonna be that way , thats why we have only one of them and it makes it very hard to believe that they can be selfish and self serving , i dont deny the fact that my parents put a lot of efforts on improving their childrens life , but i cant forgive them to be so nasty to us when we disobeys . i believe the main reason was making themselves happy and if we succeed that would make them look good .(my mom was complaining to a relative about me not doing a trivial thing that she would want me to do so she could dissociate herself , but if  i did something good it was her achievement not mine , i wasnt  a person as  my siblings. other peoples opinion mattered more than our feeling , so they could lie and mistreat us as long as it served them , in my fathers case , he couldnt hurt her as much as me because she could divorced him , but i couldn`t .it is so nasty to view your children like that .

    do you believe the only people who have our best interests are our parents ?i guess not , i met people who were selfless and kind , there are not many . but still .

    trusting yourself is definitely a cause for celebration!!! this is the true self confidence , based on past experiences and that costs a fortune

     if you no longer have mud in your water, you can drink it without caution and fear. Imagine that…? i cant but maybe the peace im feeling right now ?

    Farnaz

    #411517
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Farnaz:

    when we are children, we are told that the people who have our best interests are our parents and nobody gonna be that way“- we are told that by our parents (self-serving) and by other people who are parents to other children (self-serving). Parental power is necessary when raising children, and it is a good thing (children need their parents to be powerful). Problem is when this power is abused.

    Look at the ending of the quote I am responding to: “and nobody gonna be that way“- this is what possessive parents say, parents who abuse their power as parents. There is nothing loving about parents implementing the idea/ belief in their children’s minds that there will be no love for them for the rest of their lives, other than… parental possession, which is not parental love.

    It makes it very hard to believe that they can be selfish and self-serving“- believe what is true, no matter it being easy or hard to believe.

    I don’t deny the fact that my parents put a lot of efforts on improving their children’s lives… the main reason was making themselves happy and if we succeed that would make them look good.. other people’s opinion mattered more than our feelings“- their motivation: to make themselves happy, to make themselves look good, by pleasing other people in their lives, their neighbors, friends, siblings, strangers.

    so they could lie and mistreat us as long as it served them , in my father’s case, he couldn’t hurt her as much as me because she could divorced him, but I couldn’t. it is so nasty to view your children like that“- nasty for us (and for our children, if we repeat and maintain this tradition of abusing  parental power), but not nasty for them. For the millions of parents who abuse their power.. it’s business as usual. It was done to them.. now, it’s their turn.

    do you believe the only people who have our best interests are our parents? I guess not, I met people who were selfless and kind, there are not many. But still“- I think  that parents (having power over  their children) are less likely to have their children’s best interest in mind and heart than most strangers. Most people abuse power when power is available to them, and parents are no exception. Becoming a parent is the most common way- for the masses- to gain power. No wonder it is abused so much.

    Abusing parental power is the opposite of having the children’s best interest in mind and heart. The thing with strangers who do not have power over you, is that they have no power to abuse; so, they are more likely to have your best interest in mind and heart.

    anita

     

    #411539
    farnaz
    Participant

    dear Anita

    sorry for writing back so late , net connection is not the best currently in beautiful country i live , i`m gonna reply in few hours , have a good night sleep

    far

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