Dear Joanna:

“I was always amazed: where did she got this ability, perfect ability to take every situation, every conversation and offend me in the most elaborate way, and no hesitation. There is no one more perfect than her, in the art of insulting“- as I read this, once again, I thought I was reading my own words and checked to see if this is a quote of my words…

“I could say: the hairdresser pulled my hair too much, and she would say ‘maybe he is not used to people with such thin hair’. And this is one of the nicest things she said to me, it was actually said during  a ‘nice’ conversation“- my mother was also obsessed with thin hair, but not my thin hair but her own (very, very thin hair)… As far as my hair, I remember her insisting that she had to wash my hair into my teenage years, to my horror (I was very ashamed of her seeing me naked, but she insisted that I was not able to wash my own hair well, and that she had to do it). I remember when she scrubbed my head, it hurt a lot, her hands dug into my head so roughly that it hurt. And it felt strange at the time, as I was wondering: why is she scrubbing my head so hard…

“It is as if we had the same mother. (I think you mentioned this one time)“- and I’ll mention it again. It’s surreal.

“I intended to recall here what was my life exactly in 1995 (when you started taking it) but.. I do not remember. Except for the traumatic events I have very small amount of memories from my childhood. I could write them all in one – 4 page, I think. (on the other hand, the story of my mother – on that I could write a whole book!)“- It will take no more than a page to fill in with my memories of my childhood. Like you, in my mind, I hardly existed; in my mind, she loomed big and I was nowhere to be found. It was like she was Everything and Everywhere,  I was Nothing and Nowhere.

“How well I know this. Fantasies accompanied me through my whole childhood and teenage years…. In my fantasies: I had a husband, and even a second guy fighting for my love. My husband was leaving and begged me to wait for him! He was American“- I lived in such fantasies, it was my life most of the time (when she was not talking to me, etc.). It looks like we had .. the same kinds of fantasies. I too had American men fighting for me. (How more alike can we be?…)

“Oh, how good it felt. I lived a whole different life in my mind“- I don’t know if these are your words of mine… I think that these are your words, right?

“My mother never threatened with suicide, but threatened with leaving. I cannot imagine saying threats of killing oneself to a child“- she threatened suicide quite often. At one point I hoped that she would do it already, but she didn’t.. she just kept threatening that she will.

“I am sending best wishes!“- thank you, and my best wishes to you!

anita