Dear Dan,

I am very sorry. You were hoping all this time that she might decide to get back together some time in the future, but unfortunately it wasn’t what she was thinking. She was planning to file for divorce, as soon as the law permits it.

I think it wasn’t fair that she didn’t let you know that she took you off of her health insurance – that you had to find it out in the pharmacy. I think it was sneaky. And then she used the opportunity to inform you she would be filing for divorce.

It seems to me that she is using the same tactics now as she used during your marriage: hiding things from you, not wanting to talk to you honestly, planning for separation while keeping you in the dark…. And now, taking you off her health insurance without letting you know, and finally, planning to file for divorce without mentioning anything.

It’s the same dishonest and sneaky tactics, Dan. It’s not how one would treat a friend (she claimed you were her best friend). I don’t know her reasons – maybe she is just so afraid to be honest and speak her truth, that she’d rather keep silent about it, and then do something “unexpected”, even shocking (such as announce that she wants a separation). But it was shocking only for you – because she was hiding her true feelings and intentions from you. It came as a shock because she wasn’t honest with you.

And she kept doing it after your separation too. After that brief reunion, she again started hiding her true feelings and intentions, and she simply stopped communicating with you. Already in September she took you off her health insurance, but never told you. And even in the recent texts she exchanged with you, which you said were cold and impersonal, she still didn’t mention that piece of information. It’s like whatever is unpleasant and might hurt the other person – she does it in a sneaky way, behind your back. But that in fact hurts even more than if she were honest about it.

I am saying this so you can see the reality of the situation. That she wasn’t such a wonderful and loving wife as you perceived her to be. Because a kind and loving person wouldn’t behave like that. They wouldn’t hide their true intentions and then suddenly “boom, I want a separation!”

I am not saying she did this on purpose to hurt you, but nevertheless that’s what her behavior is: hurtful. It would be to anyone, not just to you.

I lost it. I started bawling. I guess I should have expected this.

I understand why it was a shock for you. Because she never told you that it’s over between the two of you, and that she is planning to file for divorce. After your separation she was telling you that maybe when the kids get older, you might get back together. Then she even initiated a reunion. All those were positive signs for you, which gave you hope. It’s true that in the recent months she stopped communicating with you, she didn’t congratulate you your birthday, and her recent texts were cold and impersonal. But still, she never told you her plans. She wasn’t honest with you. And so, no wonder it was a shock for you.

I’m upset, devastated, sad.

I hope you can see that she wasn’t playing fair. She wasn’t honest with you, she was hiding things from you. She did it the way it was easier for her: keep a pretense as long as possible, and then a sudden cut. What kind of partnership is it? What kind of friendship?

I hope you can see that your loss isn’t such a huge one as you thought it was. That she wasn’t the dream woman, or your best friend. Neither did she consider your feelings in all of this.

I hope you can see the reality – which although painful is also sobering. And that this will allow you to shake it off and move on with more determination than before.