Dear Katrine,

good to hear from you! I was sick with covid 2 weeks ago, but thankfully am fully recovered now.

Knowing that Y is planing on going to Canada and travel with the guy I like, but still hasn’t told me about it. Makes me wonder if we are really friends or if something is going on behind my back.

I can imagine why this situation is making you feel uncomfortable. How come Y is travelling to Canada? Has she planned it before, independently of your guy, or there is something going on between the two of them?

In any case, the fact that she hasn’t told you yet, and you’re supposed to be close, is unusual. Maybe for some reason she feels uncomfortable telling you. Do you think it’s possible they got together? Because so far it was always like there’s nothing romantic going on between either X or Y and your guy, they’re just friends… Maybe they are indeed, but are travelling together because he’s going back home, and she was planning to travel to Canada in January, so they thought why not go together… I don’t know Katrine, it is strange. I guess you’ll find out soon enough…

As for your guy not looking you in the eyes, even if he was there right in front of you… well it’s a typical behavior of someone who is uncomfortable about contact. It can be his usual avoidant behavior with you, or it can be that there is something going on between him and Y, which makes him even more uncomfortable. Again, I don’t know, Katrine, but whatever it is, please don’t blame yourself – it is absolutely not your fault.

I’m trying to tell myself that I may not be as bad as it makes me feel, and try not to think too much about it.

No, you’re not bad whatsoever! The fact that he doesn’t greet you or doesn’t look you in the eye has nothing to do with you – it’s all about him and what is going on his mind. Please don’t let his immature behavior define how you feel about yourself!

The guy I was with earlier this year is in a new relationship. With a girl he knew from home before moving to Europe and wanting to settle here. All of his stories are about them going on dates. I stopped looking at them because it just makes me feel bad, because he never did any stories on social media with me.

As far as I understood, your relationship with this guy had an expiry date from the beginning. I mean, neither of you wanted it to continue once the guy leaves your country, right? And you weren’t really upset about it. I mean, that’s how I understood it. So perhaps that’s why he wasn’t posting anything about you on social media – since he knew it was only temporary? I don’t want to sound insensitive, but that’s how I understood it. Please tell me it wasn’t like that for you…

At my brother in laws 30th birthday party I was soo anxious, he has four siblings and they were all there with their partners and they still had there jobs. I was able too have fun though, talking a lot with his siblings and the conversation actually went as if we had been friends for years, that really surprised me. But then my sisters behaviour of such a loveling and caring person and they way his parents was talking about her like, who is this person? Do I really know he? when saying goodbye I couldn’t get myself to look her in the eyes I just looked down and said goodby and so joined my dad. A week later my dad got a phone call from her, she and his parents had noticed my behaviour and said that it would have consequences, I probably wouldn’t be welcome in their house again and I wasn’t going to be invited to my sisters birthday two months later. I was shocked. It was a very strong reaction in my book,

Yes, it is a very strong reaction! You were denied future visits because you haven’t cheerfully greeted your sister but looked down while saying goodbye. When did this happen?

I understand why you didn’t feel like greeting her – because you felt triggered. You saw how “loving and kind” she is with other people, and you know how selfish and judgmental she is with you, and that’s what upset you. You felt resentment towards her, and you couldn’t bring yourself to be nice to her. You let that resentment be visible to everybody, and I guess that infuriated her.

And sure enough, she retaliated, because that’s what she always did, hasn’t she? She had the right to be mean to you, but you didn’t have the right to be mean to her. Your parents defended her and never protected you. Or they blamed both of you, when it was clearly her fault. That’s very unfair.

It was the same this time: your father first scolded you (I guess repeating her words and her point of view), and then when you reacted and started yelling at him, he accused both of you:

He threathen to leave the family saying he didn’t want to have to deal with us children and all the problems anymore

Again, he wasn’t interested in finding out who is right and who is wrong – he was just interested in keeping the false peace. You were expected to give in to her whims, so she would stop her tantrums and her screaming. You needed to give in, so there would be peace in the house. You were always accused, while she was almost always excused.

As I said, very unfair. No wonder you’ve got so much resentment towards her!

I think you’d need to process that anger, preferably in therapy – years and years of abuse by your sister, and your parents tolerating that abuse, not protecting you from it, even blaming you for it. You need to express it in a safe environment.

If you do, two things will happen: 1) You’ll be less affected by her behavior in the future, and 2) You’ll be able to set boundaries with your sister and even cut all contact with her, if necessary. Because you don’t deserve to be abused like that – you don’t need it in your life and you’re allowed to say “No! Thus far and no further!”

Do you have an opportunity to go therapy?