Hi Tee,

I hope you are feeling better now and that you don’t have to deal with any side affects of it. Covid is really hard on your body.

Well Y is here in Europe on a two year visa so she can travel and work at the same time, he has been doing the same thing working and traveling wanting to see as many countries as possible, she has been on three different holidays since she started working here in late april and is going on another one to different countries in january. She can be a bit impulsive as X said and she spends a lot of money drinking and not thinking about how ekspensible it is to travel for longer periods of time. I don’t think anything romantic is going on between them, my guy collegue and the two girls who also works the bar and have seen them there as a group getting absolutely hammered and he would (when he gets really drunk) make out with a woman and then not see them again. They say that thay haven’t seen any flirting behaviour between the two and that he X and Y are just close friends. She has been talking about other guys (she had a guy over that stayed the night) and asked the cute guy if his friend was single. And when the cute guy came to the bar back in June and started asking about me he thought that I was still living there, but I had moved out and Y had taken my bed. But being left out and not informed definitly makes me worried and think worst case scenarios. I did the same with X they were the last persons left at her housewarming and at the staff party they got super drunk and Y danced really close with another guy at work and X danced very close with the guy I like. They are party people who sometimes gets high, he is trying to get out of that because he knows it’s bad for him.. The only person that he doesn’t gets wasted with is around me, which stupidly made me feel a bit bad (even though I am glad I’m not an enable).

I still struggling with him calling me by nickname because I really struggle with grey areas, which I know now is very common for people with trauma. I have a very black and white thinking grey areas makes me feel uncomftable, I wanna know exactly which lable to put on someone good/bad, hence why I have a tendency to cut people out of my life instead of trying to repair. If you call me by nickname then you should see me as a friend, but not inviting me to your birthday but inviting the new people still hurts. I still would like to be his friend because we do have a lot in common and cuz I feel that we in a way do have a history together. He too has been open about his struggles and he has given me more details about it than X and Y. I think looking at him as you and Anita said as someone who is quite troubled and as Anita said people with mental illness doesn’t always see how our behaviour affects other people, so to try and not take it personally.

You are right. We both jnew that we only had a small amount of time together because of his visa, and he did say that we shouldn’t get too close since he not neccesarely would get a sponsered visa. I think it triggered a the closets I have been with a man wasn’t good enough type of wound.

The thing with the birthday party was spring last year during the pandemic, so a while ago but the day we came to see my newborn nephew in August he stilll wouldn’t look at me or hug me like he does my parents, it’s a punch in the gut every time and I’m already dreading seeing them at Christmas. It’s still weird hearing someone describe my sisters behaviour as abusive  it’s definitly what I needed to hear because it makes it clear that I don’t deserve that type of behaviour. Not excussing her behaviour anymore with her being tired, or stressed only then can you put down boundaries. I just didn’t know that they would react this strongly against me to keep the peace. The not being defended when someone mistreats you was for me what hurts the most. They have been more supportive after I moved abroad and my mom is now telling to call home if I need to talk about anything that stresses me. I have told her everything about the guy, X , Y and evertything else that has been stressing me out and she let me get it out of my system. And finacially they have always helped me out, not that that errases the hurt that has been caused but it has helped me during the past months.

Some positives that has happened, we celebrated one of the new girls birthday Saturday (the one I had a coffee date with, and have another one coming up). I overheard her asking Y if the cutre guy was coming but he had an event to do that night and so couldn’t join. I felt my anxiety go up and my mind strated racing, I felt overwhelmed ( It was an insanely hectic day at work) and so started to look for excuses for me not to join them. But I stayed and I am really proud of that. I took some deep breaths and tried reframing/challenging my negative thought and the first hour or so I felt really like I was in the way and that they would have more fun without me. But after that (and the one drink I had made me tipsy) I started relaxing more and talking with people (obviously had he been there as well I would have been more anxious but it’s a start). Y asked them to come to a christmas fair on Friday she also asked me to join when I finish my shift and I accepted. I have been going out and been social three times in a couple of weeks and have more coming up, and I am gonna ask other people as well. I am sure the more I do it and am able to also have fun the easier it gets, thinking it’s  better not think all or nothing, like if I don’t stay until the morning getting hammered like the others I’m a failure, and instead make a compromise, go out for some hours and have fun. That way I also help keeping my fomo at bay.

I have actually been looking for a therapist but it’s hard to find someone who deals with complex trauma. I tried therapy several times back home but we never got anywhere which really ended up making me feel more broken. My mom send me a link to someone over here and there’s a free consultation to see if she is able to help.