Dear Joanna:

I woke up and was up and about way too early this morning! “I think the fact that you have made any progress from extremes of inattentiveness is impressive“- thank you!

“I remember first being attentive in very early childhood, and with time it worsened. When I got a new doll and a new desk, I looked at it from every perspective, knew the colors, the texture, being very much engaged in everything that I had in my room. With time I lost any interest in all that. Fantasies overtook me“- I don’t have any memory of myself when I was very young, but I bet I was attentive too… before I withdrew into my own head, lost in thoughts or in fantasy.

“This really saddens me. How abuse changes/destroys a person forever. I always thought my memory issues are due to genetics or not training memory enough“- I too blamed myself for my cognitive dysfunctions while all along, those were the result of brain injury that was inflicted on me. And I know that my healing is and will be partial (but that’s good enough for me!)

“I have constant elevated cortisol levels. I visited doctors but they say it is how it is. Maybe the reason is that I get scared every day, for example when I hear a phone ringing I get this weird feeling in my stomach, like adrenaline rush but in a bad way. Similar when people approaching me, etc.“-

– Cortisol is a steroid hormone. It increases the amount of glucose (sugar) in the blood. One of the causes listed in Wikipedia for acute or chronic hyperglycemia (too much sugar in the blood) is “excessive stress“, and three of the symptoms listed are fatigue, restlessness, and “abnormal movements“, abnormal, involuntary movements! Also, “cortisol stimulates gastric-acid secretion“, which perhaps explains the weird feeling in your stomach.

aviv clinics. com: “Cortisol and Cognition: How the stress hormone affects the brain, by Aaron Tibby MS physiologist, Nov 8, 2022… High chronic stress and cortisol can negatively harm the body. You may notice changes in cognition–whether it is attentional challenges, slowed processing, poor memory, word recall, or simply muddled thinking… The effects of stress on the brain includes functional atrophy of the HPA, hippocampus, amygdala, and the frontal lobe.

“Functional atrophy means that the brain is losing neurons and connectivity between those neurons. This can impair brain functions such as thought processing, memory, and emotional regulation… Research indicates long-term high cortisol levels are linked to reduced hippocampal volume… below are just a few consequences of high cortisol levels on the brain: * The amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex are the most affected areas of the brain. Together, they control emotions, learning, memory, executive function, and decision-making… * Over-exposure to cortisol can kill off brain cells. The hippocampus volume is also lower for people with chronic stress, elevated cortisol levels, and depression”.

“When I think of this feeling of fear I have several memories when I was the most scared in my childhood. I am still not ready to process some of them, although I may have mentioned one here on this thread and once with a psychiatrist I was seeing. Maybe I will describe it here soon for processing purpose“- if and when you are ready, please do. I will probably follow your example and do the same.

“Last week I found my notes from 2017/18. I took them so that I would not forget. Most of them were similar: “my mother is lying on bed looking as if she was suffering.. with her eyes closed, her hand covering her eyes dramatically … sighing..  ‘again she is on her bed, 5 pm, in her pajamas, she did not eat, did not turn on tv, lying with her eyes closed… only because I asked her day before what have I ever done to you?!” …’I woke up in the middle of the night and went to bathroom, she was there, sitting, wasn’t moving.. I asked what are you doing here? She didn’t respond. I touched her and asked again. Again no reply. I was scared’  ‘She came back from work, I was in the kitchen, she passed me like I wasn’t there. I asked whether she wanted soup. No response. Now she is lying on the bed, sighing. Sometimes I feel I am going crazy.’ I took those notes and even I took a picture of her lying on the bed so that I knew it really happened and I was not crazy“-

– Can you explain to me what you mean by going crazy, in the context of seeing her lying there again and again?

“I noticed a lot of things, still realizing some of them. How I was emotionally addicted to certain emotions because of her. Emotions through which I could connect with her, like anger. Whenever she was angry/not speaking to me I could start complaining at something/someone and she would get angry-excited, speaking to me again“- I think that for the purpose of connecting with my mother who gossiped A LOT about everyone, I provided her with gossip, wherever I could.. or encouraged her gossip, so to be able to have a.. commonality with her, something to have a friendly conversation about, to be.. like friends gossiping about a 3rd party.

“I realized how different voice and face expression I made when I was with her“- what do you mean, specifically?

anita