Dear Farnaz:

Your LOLs make me smile! I guess falling snow in the city is not silent, but away from the city, it insulate such noise as far away traffic that otherwise you could hear.

“You couldn’t realize that time because you were a child and you thought this is your fault that your mother behaved like this“- for a young child, there is no solid self vs mother. Instead, there is a nothingness of sorts, as far as content goes, a blank page (self) that is facing a mirror (mother). Whatever the mother expresses is written into the blank page. So, if the mother expresses hate toward the child, the child’s blank page has this written on it, in bold, black print: I am hateful, I am deserving of hate (others’ and my own)!

“based on standards of society, mothers are always right“- this standard of society (that mothers are always right) are based on the early societal need to maintain order in the home (for mothers to be effective in the disciplining of their children), so that the men will be free to go outside and do what needs to be done to maintain the home (hunt, fish, grow crops, chop wood, fight an occasional enemy, etc.).

In my mother’s case, she knew she wasn’t right, in regard to me, but she didn’t mind it because she wasn’t aware of any consequence. Like she told me that one time (translated): I know that I am not right, but what are you going to do about it? You can’t go anywhere!

“I read somewhere and I quote ‘when you treat your kids badly they wouldn’t stop loving you, but they stop loving themselves’, and I think that was brilliant“- true, brilliantly said! When a parent treats the child badly, the child becomes desperate for love from the same source (the mistreating parent), and often, it becomes a lifelong, unsuccessful quest.

In regard to the realization that my mother didn’t love me, you asked: “I’m wondering if something particularly happened to you that led you to this realization“- at one point on, I realized in a deeper sense of realizing, that throughout my life, in one way or another, I chased my mother for love (see the desperation I mentioned right above). I was not only willing to do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING for her, I actually did anything and everything I was capable of doing with her hoped-for benefit in mind.

She was my Everything. And I realized, looking back, that I mistakenly believed that I was her everything (she told me so and… I needed to believe it). Replaying different scenes that I remember as a teenager and onward, I was able to clearly SEE that I was her LAST priority. I could see that she valued others while I was nothing to consider.  Example: before I said anything that she could hear, I thought to myself: how do I not hurt her by what I am thinking of saying, and how do I benefit her by what I say? She had no such consideration when she talked in my presence (to other people or to me).

anita