Hi Tee,

Yes, she was celebrating twice once at my parents house (and my dad’s birthday,  a two day event where her and her boyfriend stayed with us) and then a week later she celebrated her birthday where everybody from my region were invited apart from me. It was the first birthday where I wasn’t there and I knew that it probably wouldn’t look good to others if I didn’t show. On her actual birthday me and my mom (she had a day off work) went to the city to do some shopping and my dad had planned to go out and do some stuff with his brother (who is rarely home) and she called my mom and got really angry that we didn’t drive the two hours down to celebrate. But we had already celebrated her birthday so we didn’t see any need for us to do it again.

It felt very like a case of two evils because as you said my anxiety around her is too high and I wouldn’t have enjoyed it, and she clearly didn’t want us there. I have to deal with a lot of feelings around betrayal when it comes to her. She even tried talking my parents into having my cat put down (I’m a huge animal lover) she has allergy so the couple of times the would come to visit we had to clean the entire house and keep my cat in another room. But she didn’t like that.

I have heard a lot from other people (that girl, and my dad and other people) about me being the bad person. I was soo relieved after his 30th birthday party, I did so well and talked with his siblings like I had know them for a long time and then the horror when I heard what she told my dad. growing up I wasn’t really allowed to talk about the positive things I experienced because she would feel jealoux (because I have better mobility and can travel and do stuff she can’t) but when I wasn’t feeling well she would have it worse. My parents would rather let her have her way so to avoid those tantrums. I can’t say I blame them, the mental load dealing with her in those situations, you could spend half a day trying to calm her down, and when you are exhausted you just don’t have the capacity.

Yes I would say that my dad seem detached I think it comes from his own childhood. My grandmother wasn’t very easy to be around, and when it was me my sister and my mom who got the worst treatment from her to the point we didn’t want anything to do with her he thought we were exaggerating. And then she started talking it out on him and he too didn’t want any contact with her.

My mom is listening way more to me now. She is still in denial about a lot of her behaviour (exactly like I was) making excusses for her behaviour. But she has started showing more understanding to my situation and I think that the fact that neither me or my sister living at home has been very good for there mental health. They seem to have more ressources now.

I’m gonna take your advise about dealing with my sister. I am only going home for a few days and I don’t want to spend them dysregulated and anxious, I really want to have a good time and enjoy the holidays as I hope you and Anita also will have.