Dear Katrine,

I am so glad that your Christmas went well, even better than you expected! And that you’ve been going out with your colleagues and that they have a genuine interest to hang around with you. They don’t reject you but in fact welcome you with open arms. That’s so precious and reassuring! And you even managed to do some small talk with the guy you like and didn’t get too anxious. These are all very good news. I am happy for you!

Your sister spreading lies about you is a hallmark of a narcissist. You wrote in another thread (Feeling betrayed), in April 2021, that you had two close friends, and one of them was spreading lies about you to the other. As a result, they stopped being friends with you, and instead became best friends themselves:

I had a close friend. We had been good friends for years, and never had an argument or so. But then that changed. We had made plans to meet up, but on the day I had a meltdown due to stress. I was so stressed out like just crying my eyes out. So I cancelled, and she said okay no worries. Then over the next few months I couldn’t really make plans with her, she kept backing out. I then called her to say if it’s about the plans that I cancelled I’m so sorry that i did it on the day and cutting it so close. She got angry and said it wasn’t that I cancelled, it was the fact that i did it on purpose to deliberately hurt her because I had been angry with her for a month. I hadn’t been angry with her at all or anyting like that. I told her the truth of what had happened that day, that caused me to have a meltdown. She didn’t believe me. She said a friend of mine had revealed my vicious plan to her and that she thought she had a right to know about it. I was in chock. Someone i trusted told lies to her behind my back, and my friend believed her over me. They have now become best friends over this, and I have been left an emotional wreck.

So this friend of yours who revealed your “vicious plan” to the other friend and caused the friendship to fall apart – was she influenced by your sister? Was it your sister who first spread lies about you to one friend, and then this friend repeated those lies to your other friend?

I remember that during the pandemic her and her boyfriend would drive the two hours to my parents (where I was living at home, after losing my job and everything) and say hi to us and then go for lunch at a girls house that I am no longer friends with because of my sister telling lies about me. Being exluded by the two of the closests people in my life (only had two friends and my sister back home) and for them to become best friends because of my sisters lies about me is so hurtful I can’t explain it. And seing my sister open a present from her on Christmas eve did hurt, but I maneged to not get too emotional.

This is horribly hurtful, and I am so sorry about it, Katrine. To lose two close friends because of your sister’s lies. But it also shows those two friends have some issues and blind spots, if they could believe your sister so easily. You did say that one of them is diagnosed with BPD, so that could be a reason why she believed your sister.

People with BPD are very black-and-white thinking, and so I can imagine she felt “rejected” by you when you cancelled the meeting, and believed that it was a proof that you “don’t like her”. When another person told her lies about you (that indeed, you’re a bad person and that you cancelled on purpose to deliberately hurt her), she easily fell for it, because she wanted to believe it. That’s how she saw the world – either with her or against her.

only had two friends and my sister back home

You had only 2 close friends, and they were also friends with your sister, right? You didn’t have friends independently of your sister? If so, it’s quite possible that they were all influenced and manipulated by her, and eventually served as her “flying monkeys”. Flying monkeys are people who believe the narcissist and blame the victim. Perhaps the girl who angrily called you after you didn’t come to meet-your-sister’s-boyfriend event is one of those 2 friends whom you’ve lost since?

I am so glad that you’re making new friends now, independently of your sister. And that they are good people who appreciate you and have good intentions towards you!