Dear Maisy:

Based on carefully reading your original post and my best understanding, these are my answers and comments:

“If you truly don’t care to be friends or close to someone, what’s the best way to let them know that then?“- if in that someone’s mind the relationship is a casual, friendly acquaintance, then the two of you have a meeting of the minds. If that someone has a strong desire to be a close friend, then a casual, friendly acquaintance is not possible: It’d be similar to trying to be only-friends with a person who has a strong romantic interest in you. In the latter case, telling him or her that you are not interested will cause the other person some hurt no matter how you phrase your rejection.

“I used to have this friend… She was always negative… I found myself being less anxious and more at peace when I wasn’t around her… Many years later we connected on social media and she reached out to say hi. It was very casual…. So much time has passed and there is nothing wrong with a casual night out to catch up without any expectations”- in your mind it was casual but in her mind, it was the beginning of a return to a close friendship status. She had that expectation when she reached out to you with that first hi, or sometime after.

“Should I not have even agreed to catch up in the first place?“- looking back, it is easy to see that you should not have agreed to catch up with her because catching up with her created an expectation and a disappointment on her part, and it created anxiety and some guilt feelings, on your part. I figure that at the time she reached out to you with that hi,  you forgot who she was many years before, or you thought that she has changed.

“We hung out once more after that. We never talked that frequently in between either…. Apparently, us not talking or hanging out after those very few times was eating away at her for over a year and so she reached out to me to ask why I never talk to her and if she did something wrong“- in her mind and heart, there is a great, old hurt. sadness and anger about not being wanted, about being treated as less than others, and that wound was bleeding during the year of renewed but inadequate contact. Eventually, she- the wounded party,  confronted you- the wounding party (in her perception).

“I was honest in my response back to her. I told her my new job demands more of my time… and when I do make more free time, I try to spend that with my close friends“- ouch, that hurt her. Her wound opened up even more,  now that you told her that she is not a close friend (but there are others who are your close friends).

“She never responded back to that text, but she did turn to social media to make posts … ‘Wow… when you think you know who your best friends are. Make sure everybody in your boat is rowing and not drilling holes when you’re not looking. KNOW YOUR CIRCLE’ and ‘Every time I trust somebody, they show me why I shouldn’t.’“- she is angry because she feels rejected by you. Did you reject her? Yes, you rejected her as a potential close friend. She felt at times, since contact was renewed, as if the two of you were on the same boat, a boat approaching the safe harbor of close friendship, and that with your rejection, you drilled a hole in that boat.

“Was I actually being rude?“- objectively: no, in her mind and heart: yes.

“Did I completely throw her all the wrong signals?“- objectively: no; in her mind and heart: yes.

“I thought I was being honest, but respectful about it“- I think so too, but the rejected hopeful feels hurt no matter how the rejection is phrased.

“We’ve always been told to be honest with people, so why is it that when we are, in the most respectful way too, it creates drama?“- because old wounds that were created in old, childhood relationships bleed in the context of new, adult relationships.

“I’d love to have some insight here on how to best handle this situation, especially if it should happen again“-now that you know her expectations, I would not agree to have any future contact with her, if I was you. In the future, regarding other people, pay attention to their expectations, and see to it that there is a reasonable match of expectations.

anita