Home→Forums→Relationships→Best Friends After Catching Up?
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December 28, 2022 at 1:47 pm #412770
MaisyParticipantI’m curious to know what everyone’s take is on this subject.
We’ve always been told to be honest with people so why is it that when we are, in the most respectful way too, it creates drama?
I used to have this friend, but we went our separate ways because we just didn’t click anymore. She was always negative and I don’t like to bash people for expressing themselves or getting things out of their system, but it was getting to a point where it affected my mood too after a while. I found myself being less anxious and more at peace when I wasn’t around her. I don’t think she was a bad person by any means, just a bad mood more often times than not. So we both mutually stopped hanging out less and less until we just stopped altogether.
Many years later we connected on social media and she reached out to say hi. It was very casual. She asked if I wanted to come over for a drink one night so I did because why not? So much time has passed and there is nothing wrong with a casual night out to catch up without any expectations. When hanging out with new people or people I used to be friends with, I never open up too much. I like keeping my life and personal battles private or between close friends and I. Anyways, we hung out once more after that. We never talked that frequently in between either. We’ve probably texted on three occasions over the course of a year and it was mostly during a holiday to wish each other well. Then we went on with our lives, not really talking or hanging out anymore. I never thought anything of it because we never opened up with each other to insinuate that we were best friends again, at least not from my perspective. Apparently, us not talking or hanging out after those very few times was eating away at her for over a year and so she reached out to me to ask why I never talk to her and if she did something wrong.
Now mind you, I had started a new job a few months before receiving this text from her. It’s more demanding than my previous job so I’ve been finding myself spending more of my free time these days doing my hobbies outside of work with my partner because that’s what keeps me sane. There are a few times a month where I see my close friends, but I don’t even see or talk to them every day. Maybe I’m one of the few people out there who is like that and that’s made me ignorant towards the people who do need constant interaction, but I never got that impression from her because I honestly didn’t think we became close friends after those few hangouts.
I was honest in my response back to her. I told her my new job demands more of my time, which leaves me drained by the end of the day so I’ve been trying to do more things I enjoy alone with my partner to unwind and when I do make more free time, I try to spend that with my close friends. Which I thought was a respectful way of telling her we weren’t close friends so I wasn’t making her a priority. She never responded back to that text, but she did turn to social media to make posts (what I think was about me) within minutes after my response. Examples of the posts she made are “Wow… when you think you know who your best friends are. Make sure everybody in your boat is rowing and not drilling holes when you’re not looking. KNOW YOUR CIRCLE” and “Every time I trust somebody, they show me why I shouldn’t.”
For me personally, anyone who isn’t a close friend is considered a friendly acquaintance. I’m always kind and say hi/ask people how they are any time I run into someone I know. If someone asks to go out for drinks or dinner to catch up, I don’t always turn that invitation down, but I also don’t look at that as a “we’re best friends now” type of invitation. I’m a private person and keep to my close friends on the regular.
I guess my question here is: was I actually being rude? Did I completely throw her all the wrong signals? If you truly don’t care to be friends or close to someone, what’s the best way to let them know that then? I thought I was being honest, but respectful about it… I could have just said “I haven’t talked to you because I don’t consider you a friend” but that sounds ruder to me. We went out a few times and caught up, but neither of us opened up about it and kept regular contact yet her posts made me feel awful like it was all my fault for this. Should I not have even agreed to catch up in the first place? I’d love to have some insight here on how to best handle this situation, especially if it should happen again.
December 28, 2022 at 7:10 pm #412801
AnonymousGuestDear Maisy: I will read and reply to you in about 11 hours from now.
anita
December 29, 2022 at 9:16 am #412814AnonymousGuestDear Maisy:
Based on carefully reading your original post and my best understanding, these are my answers and comments:
“If you truly don’t care to be friends or close to someone, what’s the best way to let them know that then?“- if in that someone’s mind the relationship is a casual, friendly acquaintance, then the two of you have a meeting of the minds. If that someone has a strong desire to be a close friend, then a casual, friendly acquaintance is not possible: It’d be similar to trying to be only-friends with a person who has a strong romantic interest in you. In the latter case, telling him or her that you are not interested will cause the other person some hurt no matter how you phrase your rejection.
“I used to have this friend… She was always negative… I found myself being less anxious and more at peace when I wasn’t around her… Many years later we connected on social media and she reached out to say hi. It was very casual…. So much time has passed and there is nothing wrong with a casual night out to catch up without any expectations”- in your mind it was casual but in her mind, it was the beginning of a return to a close friendship status. She had that expectation when she reached out to you with that first hi, or sometime after.
“Should I not have even agreed to catch up in the first place?“- looking back, it is easy to see that you should not have agreed to catch up with her because catching up with her created an expectation and a disappointment on her part, and it created anxiety and some guilt feelings, on your part. I figure that at the time she reached out to you with that hi, you forgot who she was many years before, or you thought that she has changed.
“We hung out once more after that. We never talked that frequently in between either…. Apparently, us not talking or hanging out after those very few times was eating away at her for over a year and so she reached out to me to ask why I never talk to her and if she did something wrong“- in her mind and heart, there is a great, old hurt. sadness and anger about not being wanted, about being treated as less than others, and that wound was bleeding during the year of renewed but inadequate contact. Eventually, she- the wounded party, confronted you- the wounding party (in her perception).
“I was honest in my response back to her. I told her my new job demands more of my time… and when I do make more free time, I try to spend that with my close friends“- ouch, that hurt her. Her wound opened up even more, now that you told her that she is not a close friend (but there are others who are your close friends).
“She never responded back to that text, but she did turn to social media to make posts … ‘Wow… when you think you know who your best friends are. Make sure everybody in your boat is rowing and not drilling holes when you’re not looking. KNOW YOUR CIRCLE’ and ‘Every time I trust somebody, they show me why I shouldn’t.’“- she is angry because she feels rejected by you. Did you reject her? Yes, you rejected her as a potential close friend. She felt at times, since contact was renewed, as if the two of you were on the same boat, a boat approaching the safe harbor of close friendship, and that with your rejection, you drilled a hole in that boat.
“Was I actually being rude?“- objectively: no, in her mind and heart: yes.
“Did I completely throw her all the wrong signals?“- objectively: no; in her mind and heart: yes.
“I thought I was being honest, but respectful about it“- I think so too, but the rejected hopeful feels hurt no matter how the rejection is phrased.
“We’ve always been told to be honest with people, so why is it that when we are, in the most respectful way too, it creates drama?“- because old wounds that were created in old, childhood relationships bleed in the context of new, adult relationships.
“I’d love to have some insight here on how to best handle this situation, especially if it should happen again“-now that you know her expectations, I would not agree to have any future contact with her, if I was you. In the future, regarding other people, pay attention to their expectations, and see to it that there is a reasonable match of expectations.
anita
December 29, 2022 at 10:25 am #412819
LunaIsHereParticipantHello Maisy! I hope this reply finds you well
I have read your submission well. From my understqnding of your situation, this is my input:
First of all, your reaction to the person in question`s text after so much time having passed is valid. Meditate on the way you feel.
The good news is that you are not alone in this experience. In a way, I relate to the feeling of having boundaries with people despite having met a couple of times. However, not everyone get that message and at worst, they take it personally.
In this context, what I think would be best in this situation is to give it time and apply the benefit of doubt to this person. Try to find it in your heart not to feel attacked by this person for the tension. In this sense, the best way would be to focus on the way you truly feel and journal the process of speaking about these emotions on a seperate notebook.
In addition to the sound points of view shared above, consider the following phrases (whose owner I do not remember):
What you feel, you attract, andwhere focus goes, energy follows. Hence, in the current time, be gentle with yourself and avoid reading into your feelings. Keep in mind that this situation is temporary and healthy friendships are effortless.I hope this helps. Stay strong!
– LunaIsHere
December 29, 2022 at 6:20 pm #412843MaisyParticipantAnita,
Thank you so much for your input and perspective on this. I can understand why she felt this way, but at the same time, she didn’t act like she was expecting us to be close again nor mentioned it. I think I was so surprised that she felt this way because she also didn’t seem to care about reaching out or talking more in depth about things. I guess I never really considered that she might have had old wounds that she felt were being teared open.
When you mentioned pay attention to others’ expectations, what is a good approach for this? Like I mentioned above, she acted like it was a casual hangout as well and didn’t give any hints that she wanted to go back to how we were. Should I start to question someone who asks to spend time together what their intentions are? Is it rude at that point to say no, I’m not interested?
Again, thank you for your insight. Sometimes I don’t always see as clearly as I think I do because I was clearly ignorant to our past and didn’t even consider that those were her intentions. I feel stupid for that.
December 29, 2022 at 6:26 pm #412844MaisyParticipantHi Lunaishere,
Thank you for the thoughtful response! I do believe that boundaries are important no matter if you had history with the other party or not, but I also don’t like hurting people. Especially when I’m trying to be true to myself.
It makes me question my moral compass. I don’t feel we need to accept people back into our lives or to be friends with everyone, but I also don’t feel that I did the right thing or handled it the right way because of the guilt I’m feeling.
December 29, 2022 at 9:54 pm #412848AnonymousGuestDear Maisy: I will reply in about 10 hours from now.
anita
December 30, 2022 at 9:10 am #412856AnonymousGuestDear Maisy:
You are very welcome. I see your guilt feelings being the problem here, guilt feelings that are not based on you doing anything wrong in the context of the friend/ friendly acquaintance (I will refer to her as F, to make it simpler).
In your third post you wrote: “I also don’t like hurting people. Especially when I’m trying to be true to myself. It makes me question my moral compass. I don’t feel we need to accept people back into our lives or to be friends with everyone, but I also don’t feel that I did the right thing or handled it the right way because of the guilt I’m feeling“-
– this quote is telling me (and please correct me if I am wrong) that you are conflicted between being true to yourself and hurting other people’s feelings, and that the conflict originated when it repeatedly happened in your life (growing up, perhaps) that when you were true to yourself, someone’s feelings got hurt.
Let’s look at what you wrote about F in your original post: “She was always negative and I don’t like to bash people for expressing themselves or getting things out of their system, but it was getting to a point where it affected my mood too after a while. I found myself being less anxious and more at peace when I wasn’t around her. I don’t think she was a bad person by any means, just a bad mood more often times than not. So we both mutually stopped hanging out less and less until we just stopped altogether”-
– seems to me that for a long time, you endured her negativity even though it bothered you a lot; that you did not set limits with her (either limiting the time with her or ending the friendship altogether) because you were afraid that her feelings will be hurt and that she will accuse you of thinking that she is a bad person and of bashing her for expressing herself and getting things out of her system. Too fearful and guilty to end the friendship, it lasted too long: you did not do what you needed to do for your own best interest.
“She didn’t act like she was expecting us to be close again nor mentioned it… she also didn’t seem to care about reaching out or talking more in depth about things“- maybe she was aware of how her negativity affected you in the past (causing the friendship to end), so, she limited what she shared with you, the frequency of contact and she did not reveal her expectations to you.
“I never really considered that she might have had old wounds that she felt were being teared open“- I think that we all have wounds, and seems to me that you have a fear and guilt wound about hurting other people’s feelings when you consider being true to yourself. I think that following her recent critical, angry posts on social media, this wound tore open.
“Should I start to question someone who asks to spend time together what their intentions are?“- depending on the situation and context, it may or may not be appropriate or reasonable to ask for a person’s intentions.
“When you mentioned pay attention to others’ expectations, what is a good approach for this?”- let’s talk about reconnecting with F: “Many years later… she reached out to say hi. It was very casual. She asked if I wanted to come over for a drink one night so I did because why not?“- before agreeing to meet her for a drink, you could have found out somehow (perhaps through her social media postings, or you could have asked her deeper questions) if her life circumstances and negativity changed in those many years of no contact. And based on that information, you could have either not reply to her initial hi, or send her a short reply that would indicate your lack of interest in renewing a friendship with her
“Is it rude at that point to say no, I’m not interested?“- no, it is not rude to be true to yourself and to act according to your best interest. It is not rude to end and not renew a relationship that is not for your benefit.
Overall, I’d say that you really are not responsible for F’s hurt feelings at all, no responsibility whatsoever, and I wish that you didn’t feel any guilt in this regard. If you would like to talk further about F, about your guilt (it would be nice to aim at a Fearless, Guilt-less New Year, wouldn’t it?), etc., please do. I will be glad to read more from you and reply again.
anita
February 1, 2023 at 10:47 am #414836MaisyParticipantHi Anita,
You are correct in that observation. I do struggle being true to myself because that almost always involves hurting someone else with no intention. I end up crossing my own boundaries just to make sure their feelings are spared, but then I end up feeling worse for not taking a stand for myself. It’s like a catch 22. I started to work on my self-compassion last year and promised myself I will be true to my feelings and self, even if it means hurting someone else. But my problem seems to be putting myself in situations I shouldn’t put myself in just to be able to make a stand. In this case, it was agreeing to catch up in the first place then informing the person they aren’t a priority or considered a close friend.
“She didn’t act like she was expecting us to be close again nor mentioned it… she also didn’t seem to care about reaching out or talking more in depth about things“- maybe she was aware of how her negativity affected you in the past (causing the friendship to end), so, she limited what she shared with you, the frequency of contact and she did not reveal her expectations to you. – this is a great perspective that I never considered before. I thought it meant she didn’t care to be close again either and just wanted to have a “no hard feelings” acquaintance situation.
“When you mentioned pay attention to others’ expectations, what is a good approach for this?”- let’s talk about reconnecting with F: “Many years later… she reached out to say hi. It was very casual. She asked if I wanted to come over for a drink one night so I did because why not?“- before agreeing to meet her for a drink, you could have found out somehow (perhaps through her social media postings, or you could have asked her deeper questions) if her life circumstances and negativity changed in those many years of no contact. And based on that information, you could have either not reply to her initial hi, or send her a short reply that would indicate your lack of interest in renewing a friendship with her – again, this is something I hadn’t considered before. I could have taken that initial reach out text and used it to let her know why I stopped contact on my end and that I have no intention of rekindling that unless things have changed. I appreciate this advice and insight into the “what should I have done” scenario. I will hold onto this should I find myself in a similar situation again.
Thank you for taking the time to respond kindly to my situation. Since it’s been a while since my last post, no updates regarding F have taken place.
February 1, 2023 at 10:58 am #414837AnonymousGuestDear Maisy:
I will read and reply to you later (I’m about to leave home for the rest of the day). I was wondering: did you happen to report my Dec 30, 2022 reply to you for-inappropriate-content, by any chance, accidently or intentionally? (I wasn’t aware of this reporting until today, and I know that any member can use or misuse the Repot feature at any time).
anita
February 1, 2023 at 11:10 am #414838MaisyParticipantHi Anita,
I’m so sorry about that. I hope it didn’t do anything to your account. My computer froze as I tried to click reply, but when my mouse icon unfroze, it selected the report option. Again, I’m so sorry. It was an accident!
February 1, 2023 at 11:32 am #414843AnonymousGuestDear Maisy:
I am so glad that I asked, and thank you for your honest answer, I appreciate it! Mistakes happen all the time, so no worries! Like I said, I am just about to leave for the day, but I am looking forward to read and reply to your recent post here, and to your new thread later on. Take good care of yourself!
anitaplease,
February 2, 2023 at 2:57 am #414856
HelcatParticipantHi Anita
If you would like to discuss your feelings. I would suggest making a post about it. My preference is addressing issues and resolving conflict. As I’ve said earlier. I have no hard feelings against you.
February 2, 2023 at 6:49 am #414865AnonymousGuest* To Helcat :
I consider these two of your behaviors toward me to be a form of abuse called stalking: (1) you’ve been repeatedly contacting me (addressing me on different threads, most recently today, Feb 2, 2023, less than 4 hours ago), five months after I clearly expressed to you that I do not want to communicate with you, (2) for months, you’ve been frivolously reporting my posts for inappropriate content.
Psychology today/ stalking: “Stalking is a pattern of unwanted contact or behavior that leads someone to feel upset, anxious, or scared for his or her safety. Stalking is a consistent and intentional pattern of behavior as opposed to one or two isolated incidents. It persists after the individual has asked the stalker to stop contacting them“.
Your stalking of me is a form of abuse and it scares me. It upsets me, it makes me feel unsafe, and I don’t deserve it!
STOP CONTACTING ME. STOP STALKING ME.
anita
February 2, 2023 at 8:00 am #414867AnonymousGuestDear Maisy:
* Please excuse the “anitaplease” at the end of my short reply to you yesterday. It’s a non-edit mistake.
“I do struggle being true to myself because that almost always involves hurting someone else with no intention. I end up crossing my own boundaries just to make sure their feelings are spared“-
– when you tell someone what your boundaries are, and they repeatedly cross your boundaries, do you.. let them continue to cross your boundaries (being passive) so that their feelings don’t get hurt, or do you assert yourself (being active)?
If you know what’s fair and just then you can use what’s fair and just to guide you, instead of using feelings as your sole guide.
“My problem seems to be putting myself in situations I shouldn’t put myself in just to be able to make a stand. In this case, it was agreeing to catch up in the first place then informing the person they aren’t a priority or considered a close friend“-
– I like using the acronym NPARR before talking or acting in ways that may cause a problem. Maybe this acronym can help you too: it stands for Notice, Pause, Address, Respond-or-not, Redirect.
Let’s look back at what happened recently between you and F: “We connected on social media and she reached out to say hi. It was very casual. She asked if I wanted to come over for a drink one night. so I did because why not?“- if you felt just a bit weird about reconnecting with her at that time, that would have been the time to Notice that you feel weird about it, and then, before saying hi and getting into a casual, friendly conversation with her, it would have been time to Pause (take a break from the computer, do something relaxing), take your time to Address and answer questions like: Has something in her life changed to make her more of a positive friend? Do I really want to resume a friendly relationship with her, or maybe it’s better that I don’t?
Next, when you feel at peace with your answers, you Respond or not, and then you Redirect- place your attention elsewhere.
“I could have taken that initial reach out text and used it to let her know why I stopped contact on my end…“- this could have a possible Response at the time.
Back to being true to yourself: I wish you a True rest of 2023!
anita
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