Dear Joanna:

You are welcome and thank you for your words in the last paragraph. I think that it is getting better for you too. It amazes me how similar our mothers are, and this is why we are a great source of understanding to each other.

The good list/ bad list phenomenon as I now call it, is a bpd hallmark, a result of the bpd extreme all-or-nothing/ black and white thinking. The borderline anger, or rage is also a bpd hallmark.

“Even in nice moments with my mother when she had good mood there was still a risk: I could say something and she would get angry“- exactly: never-safe.

“It always amazed me how she did not have to care to ruin my mood, to offend me, she felt so free to say whatever she wanted!. Unlike me. Must have felt good to her to be so free, not being afraid to offend anyone (me)“-this has never crossed my mind.. how true: I was so afraid to say the wrong words and hurt her feelings… I cared for her this way, but she was not afraid at all to hurt my feelings, and purposefully chose the  most hurtful words.

“They (0ur mothers) still did have some control over their behavior. Which makes it more sad. They wanted to be this way“- I figure if my mother didn’t want to be this way, she would have said something at some time during the DECADES I was in contact with her, something like: I am so sorry that I hurt your feelings.

“It should not be shame to be struggling“- a victim-child should not be ashamed of having been victimized; it’s the victimizer-mother who should be ashamed of victimizing her own, vulnerable child!

“I do not want to hide it or pretend I am ok“- please do not hide and do not pretend.. anything.

“I once texted her (I think it was 2019) that maybe she should visit a specialist because of the anger issues, not speaking to people etc., and she just responded ‘No’…“- I don’t think that I’d dare saying this to my mother.. that would could easily bring another episode of borderline rage against me. I am imagining it now: she would react angrily and if I told her right there and then something like look at yourself, don’t you see that you have an anger issue?! She’d say something to indicate that she was having a bad daughter issue, that she is responding reasonably to a horrible daughter, and how sad for her… She never presented herself as the Actor of real abuse (ex., saying the most hurtful words for the purpose of hurting my feelings), but as the Reactor of alleged abuse (ex., mentioning to her that she had an anger issue for the purpose of helping her, if I dared to mention this).

I hope you are feeling better, are you, Joanna?

anita