Dear Eric:

“I don’t know if this is a ‘scratch’ or not, So, I feel really pressured by her sister’s boyfriend/future husband. Today is that guy’s birthday and he held a big party (he’s very wealthy) in which he invites his girlfriend’s family (including the girl I’m dating)… I feel like I need to get close to being like him, otherwise I’ll get judged. Idk if this is me being insecure with that guy“-

– Yes, it is you being insecure, and it is not a scratch but an itch that you are presenting here, wanting me to (mentally) scratch it by telling you something like: no, Eric, you don’t need to be like this guy, you are okay just the way you are! There is nothing wrong with me saying this once or twice. The problem is that I’ve been saying things to you (scratching your itches/ worries) since July 2019, 3.5  years ago, and you still itch and still wants to be scratched, and it gets very tiring and frustrating.

I’d say this: you are okay, Eric, just the way you are.. except for the part of you that thinks that you are not okay and keeps asking for reassurance/ scratches… this part exhausts me from time to time (and will exhaust the girl you re dating sooner or later, if she is too exposed to this part).

“I’ll have to attend to those kinds of gathering/party’s right because if I choose to be with the girl I’m dating, I’ll have to have a good relationship with her sister’s boyfriend/future husband surely,  and when I saw the pictures of the people that guy relates with, makes me feel I’ll get my energy drained there. I used to avoid people who get my energy drained, and just interact with people I’m ok with, unless it is work purposes“-

– I think that the pictures of this guy and the other people in the party drain you so much because of the itches/ worries that looking at the pictures produced in your brain, itches like I-am-not-okay, I-am-less-than-him, if I go to a party like this, they will all notice how awkward I am, etc. These itches are draining you!

There is no way, Eric, to get rid of these itches by having them scratched because the relief is temporary at best, and the itches return at the same intensity later. You will have to find a way to calm those worries down, to… make them less itchy, so that they bother you less and drain you (and me) less. It takes distress tolerance skills, you can google those. I am going to reply to your earlier post a bit later.

anita