Dear Joanna:

“I have been thinking about you (yesterday), Anita. How are you?“- today, I am fine, raining out, a bit, not too much. About to have my lunch, then go for my walk and later, socialize with people in-person. I wonder how you are doing tonight (your time)…

“I am reading a lot to understand some of my own behaviors like getting angry at people for no reason, just sudden anger. It feels better to understand it, to try to heal from this anger“- I feel less of that, way less random anger than I used to feel. And significantly less intense, when I do feel anger. What a relief!

“My mother heard my crying multiple times, heard me smashing things in my room, crying from anger, helplessness.. heard me coughing because I cried so much. I will never forget thinking: what kind of person is okay with this, how cruel she must be.. She was there, in the other room and knew she did this to me“- and enjoyed it, I’m afraid, sorry to say. Why else would she listen in her room and not interfere… ? It is very difficult for children (and adult children) to imagine their mother enjoyed causing them pain, so many would say things like: she did her best, she didn’t know any better… this is convenient thinking. It is easy to imagine strangers feeling joy hurting others; it is difficult to imagine your own mother being … that kind of a stranger.

“The context of this was the fact that she first texted me that she was sorry I was treated bad.. she may have meant her partner’s behavior… I felt brave enough to ask about her anger issues, I thought maybe she was apologizing for her own behavior“- apologize for her own behavior (and sincerely)..  wishful thinking.

“But she responded she was having menopause.. I recommended her a doctor, a gynecologist, to help her! I even made an appointment for her, I was so caring and really wanted to help. She went there (she had to pretend to be a victim here, I tried to help her so she had to go) and was mad at me later about how much money she had to spend and.. stopped speaking to me that day even before she went! As in: I forced her to go there“- she knew it wasn’t her menopause, that’s why she didn’t want to keep the appointment. She lied. It is another thing that children (and adult children) find very difficult to believe: that their mother lies.  We know strangers lie.. but not our mothers!

“Anita, I am thinking about your advice to process a traumatic memory…  I feel stuck with it though.  I am trying to ‘bring this memory to the present time … make the connection between the past and the part of the past that is still here’ like you suggested. It is hard!“- I don’t remember if we talked about the concept of the inner child. Did we? There are books and workbooks on inner child work. This kind of work is what bringing the memories of our childhoods into the present-time is about: emotionally reconnecting with these memories, no longer being dissociated from them. It’s about feeling that it was really you back then and there, not ..  some stranger (to oneself).

anita