After the last 4/5 months of therapy, reading, self-assessment, reflections, journalling, etc. I would say it’s a 70/30 split between it being my issues (being too dominant, controlling, not knowing how to handle conflicts or arguments, not being able to express my emotions, never being the first to apologise, narcissistic traits, dismissive avoidance attachment, etc.) and remaining 30% her simply not wanting to put in the effort to work on things and having absurdly high expectations.

She said things like “my partner should know what to do without me having to tell him” and “I don’t want to be the one to change you” and “you have a lot of growth to do and I don’t want to be part of that journey” and “I deserve someone fucking amazing”.

I do take accountability, I wasn’t a good partner, I took her for granted and didn’t show too much affection and had all the issues listed above.

We both were also extremely similar type A personalities, both extremely confident and extroverted, both self-sufficient and independent, and both disliked being challenged or criticised.

Her emotional maturity was far higher than mine though, earlier in the relationship she would always be the first one to make amends, explain to me that we’re on the same team, and that its healthy to argue sometimes (I hated conflict and would just fight or flight) etc.

So I think maybe she eventually realised that my problems were too deep rooted and in her words she lost the will to keep trying” and decided she was better off without me.

I just tell myself that whilst yes I made mistakes, maybe we just weren’t compatible and things weren’t meant to be, and if they were meant to be then she would have tried harder or she would’ve responded more warmly to my apology and given it a second chance.

I never wanted to cause her pain, but I look back and see that I wasn’t functioning with my adult brain but rather with my “inner child” who can be quite guarded / walled off / defensive / uncompromising / rigid / emotionless / etc.

That side of me kept me safe and brought me a lot of success in my life and career, but it’s the side of me that also cost me emotional intimacy and my relationship with the person I loved more than anyone.

So I’m learning how to forgive that side of me, accept that I made mistakes like all humans do, that she wasn’t perfect either, and that it wasn’t meant to be otherwise we’d still be together.

It’s been a completely soul destroying experience and it will take me years to fully recover and find someone that I can connect with someone at that level – but this is the path the universe has chosen for me and the path I must walk.