Menu

Can I get her back?

HomeForumsRelationshipsCan I get her back?

New Reply
Viewing 14 posts - 16 through 29 (of 29 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #413324
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hamza:

    You are welcome.  “Given she ended her last email with ‘happy to discuss in person’ and we live 5 minutes away from each other, do you think I could relay that message to her in person rather than over email?“- the benefits in an email vs a meeting in-person are: (1) in email, you have all the time that you need to compose just the right message, while in-person you may get distracted, lose your focus, get emotional perhaps, resulting with not delivering the message you intended, (2) in email, she will have a record of your message, which she can re-read in the future as many times and as thoroughly as she needs to read it; during an in-person meeting, she may get distracted herself, hear her own thoughts over your words, and later, she may not have an accurate memory of all that you said.

    At least that way she gets to see me in person one last time talking to her calmly and kindly (resetting the image in her mind of me as emotionally fragile etc.)?“- you can close the email I suggested with an offer to meet her in-person for coffee or the like. You can, of course, choose to forgo the email altogether and meet her in person instead.

    I’m still not 100% the guy she likely deserves“- I’m sure that there is no guy in the whole wide world who is 100% what she deserves or what she would like.

    I read your options and my advice is that you send her the email in the next day or two, right after you finish putting it together to your satisfaction.

    2. Continue to work on myself for another 1-2 months, and then let her know I’d like to meet her in person again..“- no, because you need to work on yourself without the hope and intent to impress her/ to get her to change her mind.

    anita

    #413438
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Hamza

    Yup, those seem like the two options available.

    It sounds like the break up shook you quite badly. Was it a surprise to you when it happened? Did your girlfriend at the time attempt to communicate these issues before she broke up with you?

    #413636
    anita
    Participant

    How are you, Hamza?

    anita

    #413728
    Hamza
    Participant

    Hi Helcat,

    I’ve decided to pursue neither for now and keep healing / stay in no contact.

    The break up turned my life upside down and shook me to my core – I knew we had issues but I never thought we’d split up hence it was a surprise to me, and to your second question yes and no. The last 6 months we were together she pretended things were fine but I now see in hindsight that she was slowly detaching herself mentally and emotionally. Once she had detached we had one explosive argument where both of us had a lot of resentment bottled up, after that we said we would continue to work things out, she had a month long trip to the US planned to visit family/friends so she said she’ll use that trip to get some space and clear her head, then she came back and broke things off.

    #413729
    Hamza
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Apologies I never came back to your last message my head has been all over the place recently.

    I still haven’t sent the email. I’m thinking that:

    – I have started healing  (still a very long way to go) and I’m fearful that any communication may open a can of worms and undo my healing

    – I told her I need to work on myself and I’ll come back to her as soon as I am able, and so continuing to work on myself in silence for however long I need to may be what a) increases her respect for me and b) allows her to feel what life is like without me in it.

    – Expressing that I still want her back and can’t accept friendship might push her further away, versus maybe if I just let it go for a few months (or even a few years) then who knows we may be able to rebuild a new relationship completely from scratch in the future

    I guess it boils down to the same equation of risk vs. reward – any response from her to my email that isn’t a clear sign of wanting to get back with me is only going to cause me more pain and prolong my suffering.

    That being said maybe it’s the only chance I have of putting the ball back in her court and forcing her to make a decision, rather than me disappearing indefinitely and her never reaching out to me because she thinks “well he said he would reach out and he never did so, I guess he doesn’t care, his loss”.

    Sadly still unsure about best way forward. I guess I am focused solely on prioritising my health and my healing and letting everything else figure itself out rather than worrying about “she is expecting to hear from me soon, I should reach out to her”.

    As for how I’m doing…. I’m on anti-depressants and am a lot more stable emotionally, still getting daily episodes of depression/crying/anxiety/insomnia/etc. but frequency and intensity seems to be reducing. I have accepted its going to be a very long and difficult road ahead.

    Let me know if you have any further thoughts / advice.

    Thank you so much for everything you have done for me so far, I am incredibly grateful.

    #413731
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Hamza

    I’m glad that things are slowly  improving for you. Long may those improvements continue! It’s great that you’re focusing on healing.

    Thank you for clarifying the context around the breakup. It makes a lot of sense. I had a feeling that something was going on that wasn’t quite right. It sounds like you got a lot of the blame for the break up from your partner and that didn’t “sit right” with me.

    I had a long distance relationship as well and the first 6 months of living together was tough. When you’re used to your own space having someone there all of the time can get irritating. But then you adjust. I don’t know how things were for you both?

    Like you said everyone has issues but they work through them and it can take time. I feel like your partner had communication issues and unrealistic expectations. What do you think about my opinion that you are not to blame for the breakup? Maybe this was a result of two people experiencing difficulties in a relationship?

    #413733
    Hamza
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>After the last 4/5 months of therapy, reading, self-assessment, reflections, journalling, etc. I would say it’s a 70/30 split between it being my issues (being too dominant, controlling, not knowing how to handle conflicts or arguments, not being able to express my emotions, never being the first to apologise, narcissistic traits, dismissive avoidance attachment, etc.) and remaining 30% her simply not wanting to put in the effort to work on things and having absurdly high expectations.</p>
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>She said things like “my partner should know what to do without me having to tell him” and “I don’t want to be the one to change you” and “you have a lot of growth to do and I don’t want to be part of that journey” and “I deserve someone fucking amazing”.</p>
    I do take accountability, I wasn’t a good partner, I took her for granted and didn’t show too much affection and had all the issues listed above.

    We both were also extremely similar type A personalities, both extremely confident and extroverted, both self-sufficient and independent, and both disliked being challenged or criticised.

    Her emotional maturity was far higher than mine though, earlier in the relationship she would always be the first one to make amends, explain to me that we’re on the same team, and that its healthy to argue sometimes (I hated conflict and would just fight or flight) etc.

    So I think maybe she eventually realised that my problems were too deep rooted and in her words she lost the will to keep trying” and decided she was better off without me.

    I just tell myself that whilst yes I made mistakes, maybe we just weren’t compatible and things weren’t meant to be, and if they were meant to be then she would have tried harder or she would’ve responded more warmly to my apology and given it a second chance.

    I never wanted to cause her pain, but I look back and see that I wasn’t functioning with my adult brain but rather with my “inner child” who can be quite guarded / walled off / defensive / uncompromising / rigid / emotionless / etc.

    That side of me kept me safe and brought me a lot of success in my life and career, but it’s the side of me that also cost me emotional intimacy and my relationship with the person I loved more than anyone.

    So I’m learning how to forgive that side of me, accept that I made mistakes like all humans do, that she wasn’t perfect either, and that it wasn’t meant to be otherwise we’d still be together.

    It’s been a completely soul destroying experience and it will take me years to fully recover and find someone that I can connect with someone at that level – but this is the path the universe has chosen for me and the path I must walk.

     

    #413735
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Hamza

    I think with International relationships there’s always the difficulty that people are giving up so much of their lifestyle to move to another country. If the relationship isn’t just so… It’s not worth the difficulties and stress that come with living in a different country.

    Well done, that’s some amazing reflection! I’m glad that you’re doing the work, but sorry this is how it came about. It’s most definitely a journey, one that will serve you well in your life. ❤️

    #413739
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hamza:

    I took the time to read your recent 3 posts and to re-read your previous posts, beginning with your very first sentence in your Jan 4 original post: “33M, break-up was a little over 5 months ago, initiated by her due to my dismissive avoidance nature/ ego/ communication problems/ lack of vulnerability/ etc.

    Jan 14: ” my issues (being too dominant, controlling, not knowing how to handle conflicts or arguments, not being able to express my emotions, never being the first to apologise, narcissistic traits, dismissive avoidance attachment, etc.)”,

    “I look back and see that I wasn’t functioning with my adult brain but rather with my ‘inner child’ who can be quite guarded/ walled off/ defensive/ uncompromising/ rigid /emotionless / etc.”-

    Three times you listed your shortcomings (boldfaced by me)- almost in a shorthand form, in a rush, and on Jan 14 you placed those in parenthesis (a “dismissive avoidance” instinctive choice, perhaps). You ended each list with “etc.” It is not surprising to me, no one (including myself) likes addressing their shortcomings, things that need to be improved. It hurts to face our inadequacies, mistakes, failures… No one enjoys addressing the parts of us that failed us. So we avoid addressing the side of us that failed us altogether or we … rush through it, etc.

    Jan 14: “I do take accountability, I wasn’t a good partner“- a good man, a strong man takes accountability for his shortcomings, mistakes, failures. A weak man hands all responsibility to the woman and takes none for himself. (Isn’t this what Adam did in the Garden of Eden when he said: “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit from the tree, so I ate it“, Genesis 3:12. Blaming Eve didn’t work for Adam because they were both expelled from the Garden… but I digress). I appreciate you, Hamza, for taking accountability, something that many people fail to do.

    Let’s look further:  “Earlier in the relationship she would always be the first one to make amends, explain to me that we’re on the same team“- seems like she was responding to your approach in the relationship, which was that the two of you were on different, opposite teams; that in your mind, it was she against you, and therefore, you were against her.

    She made amends to you in effort to gain your trust that she is on your team. But she failed: “in her words, she lost the will to keep trying“.

    There was anger on your part (as well as on hers) during the relationship: “Once she had detached we had one explosive argument where both of us had a lot of resentment bottled up“.

    She initiates the breakup on 1st August– I said it’s mutual and say goodbye without talking it out or challenging her, to protect my own ego” – there was anger there, on your part, anger at her, so you shot back, paraphrased: the breakup is mutual, I am breaking up with you, so there! I don’t care!

    Continued: “That side of me kept me safe and brought me a lot of success in my life and career, but it’s the side of me that also cost me emotional intimacy and my relationship with the person I loved more than anyone”-

    – I will now list most of the items you mentioned on your list of that side of you, all your words, but in an alphabetical order: never been the first to apologize, avoidance, controlling, defensive, dismissive, (too) dominant, ego, emotionless,  guarded, narcissistic traits, rigid, uncompromising, (lack of) vulnerability, walled off.

    What I imagine when I think of Hamza the boy (“I wasn’t functioning with my adult brain but rather with my ‘inner child‘”) is a boy who was either treated roughly or taught otherwise, that the world is a dog eats dog world, a term that means that the world is a competitive environment where it takes aggression to survive. The words I alphabetized above make up describe the aggressive side of you.

    Jan 14: “That side of me kept me safe and brought me a lot of success in my life and career, but it’s the side of me that also cost me emotional intimacy and my relationship with the person I loved more than anyone” it worked in the business world, but not in the context of an intimate relationship because … intimacy is not synonymous with competition and aggression, with two people being on opposite teams (when facing conflicts, that is).

    So I’m learning how to forgive that side of me, accept that I made mistakes like all humans do, that she wasn’t perfect either…  this is the path the universe has chosen for me and the path I must walk.“- please do forgive yourself for what you were taught, change what needs to be changed (in all your interactions with people in the business world as well, make it fair and just) and prepare for a same-team (when there is no conflict and when there is conflict) intimate relationship with a very special, although imperfect, fortunate woman!

    In regard to the woman we’ve been discussing, you wrote: “I still haven’t sent the email… I have started healing  (still a very long way to go) and I’m fearful that any communication may open a can of worms and undo my healing… I am focused solely on prioritising my health and my healing and letting everything else figure itself out…I’m on anti-depressants and am a lot more stable emotionally, still getting daily episodes of depression/crying/anxiety/insomnia/etc. but frequency and intensity seems to be reducing. I have accepted it’s going to be a very long and difficult road ahead. Let me know if you have any further thoughts / advice.“-

    – my additional thoughts: I am all for your healing and for you prioritizing your health and your healing, absolutely. Avoiding communication with her may be congruent with your healing, or it may be part of your “dismissive avoidance nature” that stands in your way of healing. You are highly intelligent and highly rational. Some of your rationalizing is in your way of healing. You may be rationalizing your preference to avoid her while all along, your emotional motivation may be to.. keep doing outside the relationship with her what you’ve been doing inside the relationship: keeping distance from the opposite team.

    anita

    #414440
    anita
    Participant

    I hope you are well, Hamza, how are you?

    anita

    #414505
    Hamza
    Participant

    Hi Anita – I’m doing ok thanks, appreciate the check-in. Hope you’re well too.

    Still in no-contact and oscillate between moving on from her and never reaching out so as to not continue prolonging my pain, versus reaching out and letting her know I’d like for us to get to know each other again and dealing with the risks that come.

    It’s been 6 months since the breakup, and add on the additional 3-6 months that she likely spent mentally checking out during the relationship, I just fear looking like a complete fool if I reach out suggesting I still want her back or something to that effect when she probably doesn’t even think about me anymore.

    Last few days I have been drafting three different messages and wondering which to send (I may never send any of them and let the universe work things out)….

    1. Goodbye – I’m continuing to work on myself, being friends will be too painful, if your feelings change let me know, I wish you all the best, and thank you for the good times, etc.

    2. Buy more time – I’m doing the work, few more things I need to put in place and it’s going to take more time, would still love to get to know each other again one day, you’re still important to me, take care, etc.

    3. Try Again – I’m making progress, if you’re still open to getting to know each other again despite not being ‘in love’ then let me know I’d love to do that, I’ve put enough tools in place to not get hurt even if your feelings don’t come back, etc. OR just hey it’s been a while, would be nice to catchup and take things from there…

    Most of the advice I’m getting is split between say goodbye and move on forever and that chasing is only going to stroke her ego and destroy your mental sanity further, versus try again casually to see if you can build a completely new dynamic/relationship, but only if you are confident you have fixed your side of the issues and are fully detached from the outcome / are prepared to get hurt again.

    I’m still completely lost. I think the most honest and authentic is option 2…i.e. buy more time… because I’m still not ready. But again my fear is she’ll just think “this guy is delusional and still hasn’t moved on”.

    Whilst I’ll appreciate your thoughts Anita, I know you’re probably tired of helping me with this so don’t feel obligated to respond!

    #414507
    Helcat
    Participant

    Hi Hamza

    I think your honest authentic choice is a good one. It’s where you stand right now. I think the message leaves things open and let’s her know you care.

    Wishing you all the best 🙏

    #414515
    anita
    Participant

    <div>* If the following post will have lots of extra print, I will re-submit, so please skip this one.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>Dear Hamza:</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>I am fine, thank you, good to read back from you.</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>”Still.. oscillate between moving on… versus reaching out… It’s been 6 months since the breakup, and add on the additional 3-6 months that she likely spent mentally checking out during the relationship, I just fear looking like a complete fool if I reach out…  Most of the advice I’m getting is split between say goodbye.. versus try again casually.. I’m still completely lost.. But again my fear is she’ll just think “this guy is delusional and still hasn’t moved on”-</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>-reads like analysis paralysis, which is the inability to make a decision due to over-thinking a problem (overthinking that is fueled by fear). There are many online sources, including videos available online, on the topic. Very well mind. com, for example, under “How to Stop Analysis Paralysis” recommends “Stop Asking for Others’ Opinions… Make an intentional choice to stop asking people what they think or what they might do. It is likely that you have the information you need, along with life experience and insight, to know what the next best choice would be.”</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>According to the recommendation right above, I shouldn’t tell you what I think that you should do. Instead, I will ask you regarding your fear about what she will think about you (if you contact her): how are her thoughts a danger to you?</div>
    <div></div>
    <div>anita</div>

    #414516
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Hamza:

    I am fine, thank you, good to read back from you.

    ”Still.. oscillate between moving on… versus reaching out… It’s been 6 months since the breakup, and add on the additional 3-6 months that she likely spent mentally checking out during the relationship, I just fear looking like a complete fool if I reach out…  Most of the advice I’m getting is split between say goodbye.. versus try again casually.. I’m still completely lost.. But again my fear is she’ll just think “this guy is delusional and still hasn’t moved on”-

    -reads like analysis paralysis, which is the inability to make a decision due to over-thinking a problem (overthinking that is fueled by fear). There are many online sources, including videos available online, on the topic. Very well mind. com, for example, under “How to Stop Analysis Paralysis” recommends “Stop Asking for Others’ Opinions… Make an intentional choice to stop asking people what they think or what they might do. It is likely that you have the information you need, along with life experience and insight, to know what the next best choice would be.”

    According to the recommendation right above, I shouldn’t tell you what I think that you should do. Instead, I will ask you regarding your fear about what she will think about you (if you contact her): how are her thoughts a danger to you?

    anita

Viewing 14 posts - 16 through 29 (of 29 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.