Dear Hamza:

I took the time to read your recent 3 posts and to re-read your previous posts, beginning with your very first sentence in your Jan 4 original post: “33M, break-up was a little over 5 months ago, initiated by her due to my dismissive avoidance nature/ ego/ communication problems/ lack of vulnerability/ etc.”

Jan 14: ” my issues (being too dominant, controlling, not knowing how to handle conflicts or arguments, not being able to express my emotions, never being the first to apologise, narcissistic traits, dismissive avoidance attachment, etc.)”,

“I look back and see that I wasn’t functioning with my adult brain but rather with my ‘inner child’ who can be quite guarded/ walled off/ defensive/ uncompromising/ rigid /emotionless / etc.”-

Three times you listed your shortcomings (boldfaced by me)- almost in a shorthand form, in a rush, and on Jan 14 you placed those in parenthesis (a “dismissive avoidance” instinctive choice, perhaps). You ended each list with “etc.” It is not surprising to me, no one (including myself) likes addressing their shortcomings, things that need to be improved. It hurts to face our inadequacies, mistakes, failures… No one enjoys addressing the parts of us that failed us. So we avoid addressing the side of us that failed us altogether or we … rush through it, etc.

Jan 14: “I do take accountability, I wasn’t a good partner“- a good man, a strong man takes accountability for his shortcomings, mistakes, failures. A weak man hands all responsibility to the woman and takes none for himself. (Isn’t this what Adam did in the Garden of Eden when he said: “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit from the tree, so I ate it“, Genesis 3:12. Blaming Eve didn’t work for Adam because they were both expelled from the Garden… but I digress). I appreciate you, Hamza, for taking accountability, something that many people fail to do.

Let’s look further:  “Earlier in the relationship she would always be the first one to make amends, explain to me that we’re on the same team“- seems like she was responding to your approach in the relationship, which was that the two of you were on different, opposite teams; that in your mind, it was she against you, and therefore, you were against her.

She made amends to you in effort to gain your trust that she is on your team. But she failed: “in her words, she lost the will to keep trying“.

There was anger on your part (as well as on hers) during the relationship: “Once she had detached we had one explosive argument where both of us had a lot of resentment bottled up“.

“She initiates the breakup on 1st August– I said it’s mutual and say goodbye without talking it out or challenging her, to protect my own ego” – there was anger there, on your part, anger at her, so you shot back, paraphrased: the breakup is mutual, I am breaking up with you, so there! I don’t care!

Continued: “That side of me kept me safe and brought me a lot of success in my life and career, but it’s the side of me that also cost me emotional intimacy and my relationship with the person I loved more than anyone”-

– I will now list most of the items you mentioned on your list of that side of you, all your words, but in an alphabetical order: never been the first to apologize, avoidance, controlling, defensive, dismissive, (too) dominant, ego, emotionless,  guarded, narcissistic traits, rigid, uncompromising, (lack of) vulnerability, walled off.

What I imagine when I think of Hamza the boy (“I wasn’t functioning with my adult brain but rather with my ‘inner child‘”) is a boy who was either treated roughly or taught otherwise, that the world is a dog eats dog world, a term that means that the world is a competitive environment where it takes aggression to survive. The words I alphabetized above make up describe the aggressive side of you.

Jan 14: “That side of me kept me safe and brought me a lot of success in my life and career, but it’s the side of me that also cost me emotional intimacy and my relationship with the person I loved more than anyone” it worked in the business world, but not in the context of an intimate relationship because … intimacy is not synonymous with competition and aggression, with two people being on opposite teams (when facing conflicts, that is).

“So I’m learning how to forgive that side of me, accept that I made mistakes like all humans do, that she wasn’t perfect either…  this is the path the universe has chosen for me and the path I must walk.“- please do forgive yourself for what you were taught, change what needs to be changed (in all your interactions with people in the business world as well, make it fair and just) and prepare for a same-team (when there is no conflict and when there is conflict) intimate relationship with a very special, although imperfect, fortunate woman!

In regard to the woman we’ve been discussing, you wrote: “I still haven’t sent the email… I have started healing  (still a very long way to go) and I’m fearful that any communication may open a can of worms and undo my healing… I am focused solely on prioritising my health and my healing and letting everything else figure itself out…I’m on anti-depressants and am a lot more stable emotionally, still getting daily episodes of depression/crying/anxiety/insomnia/etc. but frequency and intensity seems to be reducing. I have accepted it’s going to be a very long and difficult road ahead. Let me know if you have any further thoughts / advice.“-

– my additional thoughts: I am all for your healing and for you prioritizing your health and your healing, absolutely. Avoiding communication with her may be congruent with your healing, or it may be part of your “dismissive avoidance nature” that stands in your way of healing. You are highly intelligent and highly rational. Some of your rationalizing is in your way of healing. You may be rationalizing your preference to avoid her while all along, your emotional motivation may be to.. keep doing outside the relationship with her what you’ve been doing inside the relationship: keeping distance from the opposite team.

anita