Dear Daniel:

Welcome to the forums! First, I will repeat what you shared using the boldface feature to indicate your words (with minor adjustments), next I will quote you and respond:

You suffered from anxiety/ low self-esteem throughout your life. In your early 20s, you realized the extent and impact of these two things, and you have put in tireless work to improve yourself. For as long as you remember, you always wanted to find a girl that can be your life partner and build a family with her. You are family oriented, loyal, down to earth, likes to laugh and you value relationships. At 26, being a civil engineer with a stable career, a life with your family-of-origin and with a close network of friends, you did  not yet manage to have a long-term relationship with a woman.

“I keep seeming to run into the same sort of scenario where a girl will date me and then say ‘you’re such a great guy but my feelings haven’t progressed‘… now after hearing this for probably the 1000th time of my dating life…”- even if this number (1000) is exaggerated, it is very puzzling that the same happened again and again and yet again.. every time.

“Everyone around me always says I am such a great catch & all everything going for me & that those that don’t want me are missing out but it’s starting to concern me… I had been dating someone for a bit recently and to be honest it was going great like each date it had progressed and the interest seemed strong both ways… and then out of nowhere she did a complete 360 and said her feelings hadn’t progressed… saying ‘no connection‘ etc… I feel like it’s something about me like I ‘tick the boxes’ but I don’t spark feeling within someone enough for them to see me as worth it, I know the typical response is you haven’t met the right one but it’s happened that many times that I genuinely think it’s something I am incapable of sparking within a girl.”-

– I am sure that what is to follow is an atypical response because it is unpleasant and risky for me to suggest (you and anyone reading my response may get angry at me for suggesting it as a possibility, not a fact, mind you). Therefore, I am emphasizing that what I am suggesting is indeed only a possibility, not based on any evidence in regard to you: in my experience bad breath or a bad body odor (not necessarily very intense or noticeable at a distance,  and not necessarily a result of not showering, brushing etc.) is a strong turn-off in the context of a romantic relationship, no matter how great other attributes of a person are. It may be something I’d try to ignore for a while… focusing on the great attributes, but.. sooner than later, it’s the basis for withdrawal, can’t help it.

Of course, what I suggested right above can be totally untrue, but .. just in case there is truth to it, and you have not been aware of it so far, then it could be the easiest and fastest thing to fix (ex., taking nutritional supplements advertised as “odor cleanse”, “internal deodorant”, etc. ), and that’s exciting! Or there could be another turn-off that the women preferred to not reveal to you, explaining their withdrawal in the easiest, most non-confrontational way available to them.

“(I) am not afraid of looking myself in the mirror & see what I can do better“- this is why I had the courage to suggest the above as a possibility. It’s just that I can’t detect any other possibility to explain the repetition you described in regard to your dating life. I understand that you are anxious and have a low self-esteem (you can elaborate on it, if you’d like), but lots and lots of people with anxiety and low self-esteem, particularly those with a stable career and great attributes, have long-term relationships. Please let me know your thoughts about my response, and if you would like, we can investigate the matter further.

anita