Dear Daniel:

“I would say with me is what you see is what you get (original post)…  like an onion type of analogy you have to peel back the layers to get to know me more and more (6th post)”-  if you are as easy to know as what-you-see-is-what-you-get, then how is it that what one sees is only the outside layer of the onion…

“I have all the attributes to make a good partner.. I am a good person but it just feels like there is indeed something missing… what is it that I (am) missing?“- I will try to peel back the outside layers of the onion (based on what you shared in your six posts), with the motivation of getting to that “something missing”- in the core of the onion, perhaps.

First, in the outside layers of the onion are these adjectives, alphabetized by me (these adjectives are taken from how you responded to members and from what you shared in your 6 posts): appreciative, down to earth, easy going, family oriented, (a) gentleman, (a) good person,  (a) great catch, laid back, likes to laugh, loyal, mature, a nice person, not afraid, respectful, and thankful.

Quotes that include the adjectives above: “any comments would be appreciated!… Appreciate your response greatly!… Thanks for your response much appreciated!.. Thanks for your response I appreciate it greatly“, “I am very thankful for the position I am in at a personal level thanks to the support/upbringing of my family & friends.. not afraid of looking myself in the mirror & see what I can do better…Everyone around me always says I am such a great catch… I am always mature/respectful of the girls feelings…, I’m down to earth, like to laugh and have a joke, family oriented, loyal… I have been raised to be a gentleman and generally just a nice person.. I am a good person… laidback…  easy going… I have been told that I come across the same in person as I do via message which they say is easy going/nice/good to talk to“.

Let’s jump perhaps straight to the core of the onion, as I see it: “I have suffered from anxiety/low self-esteem throughout my life“.

Since you started dating, this has been added to the core of the onion: “I don’t spark feeling within someone enough for them to see me as worth it… I am incapable of sparking within a girl… scared (that) at the drop of a hat, they’ll just say no spark… I am so confused… I am starting to believe whilst I may be thought of as a good guy, I am not quite good enough“.

You wrote: “I have been raised to always present myself well… I grew up around a very ‘alpha male’ type of group… I don’t think this really fit in with these types of groups even though I was respected by pretty much the whole group. I think entering into adult life and throwing women into the mix of this dynamic perpetuated my anxiety & worsened my self-esteem as the narrative in my head has become ‘you have to be an alpha male type’ to get the girl“-

– this is my best understanding at this point: you did not fit the alpha male type group you grew up around (you were not an alpha male), and you felt anxiety and low self-esteem as a result, but you learned how to present yourself to the alpha male group in such a way that got them to respect you. Fast forward, you thought that the same presentation will be good enough to get a woman’s interest in a long-term relationship with you. But the presentation that worked for you somewhat, in the context of the alpha-male-type group, has not been working  for you at all, in long-term romantic context. And so, the narrative in your mind has become (paraphrased by me): since my presentation to the alpha male crowd (now presented to women) is not working for me, maybe I should become an alpha male.

Before I proceed, I need to ask you: does any of this ring true to you?

anita