Dear Javairia:

The weather is warm for a winter, and today, like yesterday, the sun is shining. I will go for my daily walk in an hour or so (I don’t run).

“I was in a toxic environment back then. But because we were all miserable I didn’t feel the kind of desolation I feel now… I’ve never had a single urge to go out and hangout with my friends outside of school. I’ve never even felt miserable about this isolation in the way I do now“- reads like back then, living at home with your mother etc., you were used to the isolation and depression, you were adjusted to it. It was a bitter life, but you were used to the bitterness.

“The point I’m trying to make is: envy. I’ve never felt this way when I was at home. .. Now it comes with envy. Because others around me have it perhaps better than what I do and now it stings. Because I went through a breakup recently, it’s unbearable to listen to my roommate call her crush every night and giggle and smile“- reads like after you left home and lived away from your old life, you experienced a sweet taste of a new kind of life: you had friends and a relationship. But most recently, your relationship ended and your friends are busy with their lives, and so, you are tasting the same-old bitterness of isolation and depression… only that now, it tastes even more bitter because you know how sweetness tastes. You are not as adjusted to bitterness anymore because you experienced something different.

I think that the envy of your friends is about wanting more of that sweet-tasting life.

“I feel extremely deserted. And now I feel like I have none left of the two worlds- the one I had back there, and the one that I have here“- please stay away from your old world, and look forward for a bit more sweetness in your new world. You already tasted it and liked it, and you can have more of it.

“I can’t think of anything worth fighting for“- a sweet kind of life, at least once in a while, is worth fighting for!

anita