Dear Katrine,

Well then I can trust my instinct more, and if they should reject me it’s better in the beginning than later.

Yes, definitely. If you like someone, and you feel they like you too, you don’t need to doubt it so strongly and avoid them at all costs. Because chances are they might like you too – you’re not imagining it and it’s not all in your head. So try not to avoid them but stay around them and be open for a conversation.

Maybe it’s easier said than done, but what’s important is that you don’t immediately get into the avoidance mode, where you tend to run away. Rather, try to stick around (even though it’s hard) and see what happens next…

I have been leaving when my crush is near, like when people come for coffee I will have a chat with them but usually leaves if it’s someone I like due to my anxiety going up.

Yes I understand – when you like someone, your anxiety goes up and it’s almost an instinctual reaction to run away. But you’ve realized in the meanwhile how harmful this defense mechanism is… and you’ve even made a breakthrough and let it go by confessing your true feelings to the hostel guy. So you’ve already had experience in breaking the pattern, so I hope it will be easier for you from now on.

In fact, I am thinking that maybe you can use “exposure therapy” for the situations when you like they guy and they seem to like you too. You sort of “force” yourself to stay, even if your anxiety goes up and your habitual reaction would be to leave.

I probably feel so clingy due to my sister always feeling I took up too much space, she could talk about herself for hours but if I talked for ten minutes she thought it was too much.

Yes, I can imagine that your needs were absolutely not respected and all the attention went to your sister. And you were even made guilty for having needs of your own. I hope you’re slowly healing from that false conditioning…

And also, bonding is a normal human need – to stay close and bonded to someone we love. So you wanting to stay close to the person you like doesn’t make you needy or clingy – it makes you human. Please remember that!

I never thought about it (being like forced exposure therapy) but now you mention it it makes sense. I never avoided the ones I didn’t really wanted to be with and I would always end up with them.

Right… you weren’t avoiding all men, but only those you liked. Being with the men you didn’t like allowed you to sort of address your fear of men and reduce it a little. And at the same time it kept you safe from your greatest fear: being rejected by someone you really like.

But I was also surprised that being psysically intimate with someone I didn’t care about my body was more relaxed. The only guy I felt safe with and liked made me shake uncontrollably. My teeth even chattered. I just couldn’t control it.

It just shows how great was your fear of rejection and abandonment. Loving and caring about someone was associated in your mind with the greatest possible pain – the pain of being abandoned, and as a result, perhaps the fear of destruction and helplessness? If the fear is very strong, it can easily produce such a traumatic response in your body, like uncontrollable shaking, teeth chattering etc…