Dear frozenfireflies,

I get it that it’s hard for you because it seems that when your husband is upset and critical with you, it triggers the fear of abandonment:

With our conflict styles, it’s typically my husband who will be unhappy/withdrawing and myself who is the pursuer, desperately trying to set things right and create a sense of harmony. This makes it extremely hard for me to walk away to pause a conflict, because I become very clingy when I sense this “threat”. I think my husband’s way of handling conflict triggers something visceral inside me that signals danger to me. I’d literally beg him to stay and “talk things out”.

Somehow I’m just desperate for closeness.

Would you that abandonment is what you’re fearing the most?

Since you’re not able to set boundaries (e.g. tell him you’ll take a time-out and go to the other room until he calms down), this dynamic will likely continue, because your husband isn’t really willing to do much about it. He is “aware” that he could be more loving and gentle, but he doesn’t want to do anything about it:

he fully agrees with me when we are both calm. He knows he should be more loving and gentle and not so armoured so quickly. But this hasn’t yet translated into a different kind of behaviour. … There are many practices out there that can help, but it’s always time, money, etc… You can guess all the reasons. He is not against reading the book at all, it’s just about carving out that time to read.”

You also said that whenever you try applying any of the mindfulness techniques, he resists:

I have asked him a few times to co-regulate when we were getting too agitated over something, to hold my hands and just breathe together, but he didn’t want to do that at all. And when I use the NC approach and try to observe and name his feelings/needs, he just gets annoyed by me.

So in practice, he isn’t interested in changing his habits, and I think that unfortunately he won’t be interested as long as you’re allowing it and always trying to placate him.

A separate, but related problem is his own trauma and perhaps a feeling of powerlessness and frustration about his sister: I know that my husband has struggled with bullying as a child, and that applies to myself too. I also know that my husband has a toxic sister, who has a history lying, gaslighting, manipulation, etc.

He also seems powerless at his work place: “He struggles with burnout in different areas – work-related, parental and relationship burnout. He feels he doesn’t get enough time to practice basic self-care. His job doesn’t give him any satisfaction and demands a lot of him“.

So a lot of demands on him, and he feels like he can’t say No to people. He also was quick to start picking up clothes after your oldest son, instead of perhaps telling him not to do that? (I don’t know how old your son is and if it’s applicable?) Specially since his back hurts…

It’s like he can’t say No and often feels powerless in life. And then he takes out his frustration on you, instead of dealing with the real cause of his frustration. You’re a little bit of a (verbal) punching bag for him, to let out steam…

What do you say? Does this resonate?