Dear frozenfireflies,

Because of my own struggles I’m currently in psychomotor therapy, because talk therapy has not worked well for me at all. I’ve only been with this new therapist for a few sessions but I have high hopes.

It’s great that you’re currently in therapy and that you like your new therapist!

This will hopefully teach me to stay more regulated and not get into this abandonment trap of anxiety.

Yes, I think that if you can lessen the fear of conflict (and the fear of abandonment, as it seems), it would enable you to stand up for yourself and not feel defeated and powerless in the face of your husband’s anger.

My husband is indeed someone who really can’t say no very well. He has a real history of taking responsibility, to his own detriment even. Part of the problem here is that I think his standards are a bit too high and he doesn’t have enough trust. “No one does a good job if I don’t step up” – that almost seems to be his mantra, whether he realises it or not. It would really serve him well to work through his own past issues that are holding a grip over his present life.

I don’t name call, I don’t do character attacks, I don’t swear at him and yet he still feels some kind of pull to this aggressive communication style when there’s conflict.

I’ve been reading from the book “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” by Pete Walker. He says that when people have a lot of unresolved anger (from their childhood), they may become very critical of others, i.e. have a strong outer critic. This outer critic can be very judgmental of others, feel superior to others and also feel justified to get angry frequently and dump their anger where it doesn’t belong.

As for getting angry frequently, Pete Walker calls it “emotional flashbacks” – the person gets triggered by something (say their partner leaves dirty dishes in the sink), and this makes them feel unloved and unappreciated, and as a reaction, they react angrily. So a small “incident” can lead them to overreact – because they interpret it in a negative way, as if their partner wanted to hurt them deliberately.

You mentioned that your husband gets upset with you for “leaving things” and not being as tidy as he would like you to be. So perhaps something like that happens with him too? And that’s why he reacts with anger to something that is otherwise not a big deal and could be discussed peacefully?