Eriads,

It sounds like your husband had expectations for his relationship with your daughter that have not been met.  I found it interesting that he would hold her accountable in some way for this lack of bonding.  I think your current situation has more to do with some complicated and uncomfortable feelings your husband is experiencing around what it means to be a family.

When I married my first wife, she had a 4 year old, and it was fairly easy to bond with him because I primarily took care of his little person needs.  I can also share, though, that I often felt that I had the burden of adjusting and integrating into an established family unit. I was the odd person out, and just expected to fit in to the routine.  Your daughter is not the problem here.

If you can reopen a discussion about what “bonding” and “family” means to both of you, then I think you will be able to untangle the salient emotions – for both of you – that surfaced during that hurtful conversation. My bet is that your husband is struggling to put his feelings into words and, as I have been known to do, shut down – out of frustration, anger, humiliation, etc. Find a way to coax him into a comfortable head space, acknowledge your recent mutual hurt, and ask for a reset.  “Tell me more about what it would look like if you and my daughter had a stronger bond.” “What are some ways that you can take the initiative in your relationship with my daughter? What’s holding you back? ”  And, so on… he has to process his own situation. And, ultimately, he has to initiate time with your daughter (maybe on one of their new outings for coffee or ice cream?) and learn from her what her expectations are for their relationship. There’s no magic wand.

And in terms of your hurt (which is real), I think the reset conversation may deliver a genuine and heartfelt apology from your husband for the way he said some things. I sense that he’s one of the good guys!  Hope I wasn’t too preachy!

Best,

~ Josh