Dear A,

I feel like a sad pathetic person and am not looking for comforting words but for some direction on how to go about fixing my life by fixing my day-to-day.

Although you’re not looking for comforting words, I think the best place to start is self-compassion. I agree with Peter that it’s easier to make changes if we don’t approach it from the place of self-blame and criticism, but rather, trying to understand ourselves and why we are the way we are…

I have always had a casual approach to life, with no control over my emotions, addicted to short-term pleasure, and doing the bare minimum.

There is a reason why you don’t have control over your emotions… one possibility is that perhaps your parents didn’t know how to soothe you when you were upset, or they didn’t have time to deal with your emotional states? What I am trying to say is that it’s not your fault, but the consequence of the outer circumstances. Addiction to short-term pleasure could be (just as an example) the consequence of the belief that one is a failure, or that they are incompetent, and so they need to soothe the pain of that feeling by engaging in short-term pleasures. Doing the bare minimum can be the result of the same belief…

I am giving these examples to illustrate that there is a reason for why you behave the way you behave. And that you shouldn’t blame yourself and tell yourself you’re pathetic, but rather try to understand yourself. And have empathy for yourself. That will allow you to start the kind of changes that are deep and sustainable, not just temporary.

I agree with Peter that the best is to take it day-by-day. Start with small changes, don’t expect perfection and sudden wonders. Just something small and positive every day. A knee surgery might be necessary, and even if the recovery is long, it will be better in the long run and allow you to return to normal life. You need to accept that, not fight against it. As Peter said, some things we need to accept, because that’s the only way we can go through them and heal.

I’d love to talk to you more about your process and about the feelings that come up, if you’d like to.

Wishing you good luck!