It’s been a long time since I last tried to leave.  Things seem to be coming to a head so I will try again.  I have somewhere to go. I’m not sure how well it will work out as previous attempts have not been successful.  I have lost the support of the person who was once closest to me.  I’ll be on my own this time and I know it isn’t going to be easy.  Outwardly it appears that I have chosen to stay put for all these years.  Having tried to understand my situation I have concluded that I had little choice, which sounds like a very poor excuse.  It seems to me that there has been competing forces within me such that my rational self is not in control and the subconscious, irrational, side of me has prevented me from pursuing happiness.  It isn’t something I have been able to get under control but I’m hoping it has abated enough for me to make the transition such that what I want wins the battle that rages within me.  I have always wanted to leave.  I have never wanted to stay but I have always stayed or gone back after leaving only to want to leave again.