Menu

John

Forum Replies Created

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 55 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #153452
    John
    Participant

    It seems that recent additions to this thread have been removed.  Thanks to whoever arranged that.

    #146971
    John
    Participant

    Big red flag here.  Does he get angry, aggressive and lose his temper with all people or just a select few?  If it is under control with some and not others then he is choosing this behaviour, which is about dominance and control.  You are modifying  your behaviour to try to prevent his bad behaviour and are now walking on eggshells through fear of provoking the outbursts.  You are no longer being yourself which will not be good for you in the long term.  In a healthy relationship you should feel free to be yourself without fear of the consequences and that is no longer the case.  You have tried to be reason with him and he accuses you of being controlling.  Everything points towards disrespect and an unbalanced relationship.  I wish you well but fear for your mental health.

    #146137
    John
    Participant

    jlo5.  You did the right thing.  His recent and previous bad behaviour has been about control and anger.  When he finally realised that the abusive approach doesn’t  work anymore he changed his behaviour because you didn’t respond as he was hoping and in the way you have previously.  Rewarding bad behaviour with the desired response only serves to reinforce it.  Be aware that this new approach could just be a variation on how to regain control as you and he will only be free from it when he finally moves on from where he has been for a little longtime.  Good luck and best wishes.

    #137405
    John
    Participant

    If it makes you feel bad it is emotional abuse. Little by little it will destroy you.  You will modify your behaviour in order to please him, or more likely, not displease him.  Eventually your personality will be changed which will make you very unhappy. You will tiptoe around him walking on eggshells as opposed to being your natural authentic self.  Unless he changes, the discomfort you feel around him will get worse.  This is what happened to me over a 35 year period. Don’t make my mistake and get trapped by it. It will make you very unwell from a mental health perspective.

    #127599
    John
    Participant

    Dear jlo5,

    Not much to report from me other than I am feeling much better. I was in a bad place when we were first in contact. My mental health was terrible due to the stresses within me. I’m hoping that circumstances will change soon so that I can begin to move on with life having been stuck for such a long time.

    #127148
    John
    Participant

    jlo5,

    Good luck and best wishes. I hope it works out for the better for all of you.

    #123205
    John
    Participant

    How to find love? That’s a good question. I don’t really understand or connect with any of the intellectualism that has gone before in this thread so I will speak from my experience. I have been in love several times in my life but only once have I found love that has been reciprocated. When you fall in love you will know and in all probability the other person will not love you back to the same degree. If they do then you have a match made in heaven. Why do we fall in love with the person we love, nobody knows and no amount of analysis will reveal any insight. We feel for the other person. We want to be with them and that is all consuming. If that person is not within your circle of aquaintances then you need to go looking elsewhere. That’s why dating agencies are in business.

    #123196
    John
    Participant

    Hollypop,
    Don’t beat yourself up over it. We’ve all been there and done things that we wished we hadn’t the next day. From what you have said, it doesn’t sound like it’s such a big deal. The people that you worry you might have offended have probably done things they wished they hadn’t and have also wished they could turn back the clock. People are very forgiving once an apology is offered and you will also feel better after apologising. That can be a very difficult thing to do but things will be much better once you do it. Sounds to me like it was a good party and and getting drunk and kissing people and insulting the boss is a long-standing tradition at this time of year.

    #122139
    John
    Participant

    Aballa. Thanks for your kind words. I won’t give up. I can’t do that but part of me thinks that life would be much easier if I could.

    #120826
    John
    Participant

    Vanetta,

    I hope you feel better soon. Everyone tells me that I need to get out and move on and I tell myself the same. Hopefully you have seen the light and done the same as your pain is clear from your writings. Be strong for your sake and your sons.

    #120806
    John
    Participant

    gvstate,
    Thanks for taking the time to respond. Everything you mention has been clear to me for a long time and I recognise my own compliance in this problem. I think it is difficult for most people to understand the situation, as it difficult for me to understand why anyone would stay in any relationship that has brought such unhappiness, when there is no barrier to leaving? It makes no sense at all and I know I have a problem that needs to be resolved in some way. As you rightly pointed out, “there is something deep down and emotional keeping him tethered to this marriage”.

    Kitt,
    Thanks for the input. I sense the frustration in your message and suspect you understand my problems only too well but it sounds like you have endured worse. I have done a lot of research on personality disorders as I have tried to understand more about what has happened to me and why. Much of it seems to fit reasonably well. I wish you the best of luck in your recovery.

    #120804
    John
    Participant

    Sunnyside,

    To answer your questions…. The intimacy stopped after a couple of years of being married. It was my idea to sleep in a separate room.

    #120759
    John
    Participant

    Sunnyside, As regards the timeline your understanding is not exactly right but close enough. To be more precise, the 10 year gap is the time difference between when I met my wife and when things became intimate with my friend. I didn’t marry my wife until after a couple of years and didn’t start the other relationship until a few years after we met. Consequently, the timeline between when I got married and when the affair started is probably around 6 years give or take a little. As regards your other question about confiding in someone, this is something I have never really done and have always kept problems to myself. Only recently have I started to open up a little as I have been overwhelmed and recognise how bad things became in terms of my mental state.

    #120548
    John
    Participant

    Aballa,

    The escape plan you refer to should be very easy for me. At least in theory. There have been countless plans over the years and 12 months ago I rented a house to go and live in. It was a detailed plan (one of many). It wasn’t until 3 months after the rental period started that I managed to move in there but I only stayed just a few weeks before going back. I have no idea why I went back and as soon as I did, I wanted to leave again but have not been able to do so. I spent the rest of this summer and early autumn trying to get back to the rented house but couldn’t bring myself to do it because of my emotional state, which has been truly horrible. I have been a mess. The rental period was for 12 months and I stayed there for less than 1 month. Needless to say it was a very expensive exercise but I had to try and would do it all over again as the expense involved has little meaning relative to the bigger picture. In practical terms, there is nothing holding me back as I have financial security and there are no children involved. The plans you suggest have all been put in place on multiple occasions but nothing ever works out for me because of the pain and suffering, which overcomes me whenever I try to implement the plans. I don’t know why this happens to me. I know it is irrational and out of all proportion and I know that it is all tied up with my wife’s abusive behaviour and manipulation, resulting in psychological control. It’s a very powerful, terror inducing, influence from which I can’t seem to escape or switch off. I can not cope with it and I cease to function as a rational person whenever I try to leave. Good luck with your new found freedom and you must stay away from the addictive behaviour that is a huge part of these toxic relationships that we have been subjected to. It poisons the spirit until there is nothing left but an empty person. Take the antidote – not the poison.

    #120527
    John
    Participant

    Adam P,

    Thanks for checking in. Things are improving in that my wife’s behaviour has improved a lot over the last several months. The horrible personality is much more under control but it doesn’t heal the damage that was done over a prolonged period. I’m still stuck trying to get out and torturing myself with such thoughts. They bring a smile to my face when they are just thoughts and dreams but trying to act on them sends me into a very dark and horrible mental state. Why I end up in such a state is beyond my understanding but it is definitely connected with going up against her and her arsenal of abusive behaviour and manipulative tactics. The honest reality is that I can”t stand the sight of her so why I am stuck is a mystery. Psychological control is an extremely powerful phenomenon once it has becomes firmly imprinted and it was the aggression that caused the imprinting to take place. I continue to educate myself and look for ways to repair the damage.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 55 total)