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John

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 72 total)
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  • #417741
    John
    Participant

    Tee – It is entirely possible that she feels a certain obligation towards me.  Perhaps as someone who once meant a lot to her…. and yes, I am the one who tends to initiate communications.  It has always been a little that way as a result of the circumstances but more so these days, which speaks volumes.  I am aware of its significance but am told that it isn’t an issue but it doesn’t always feel like that.

    Maida – Thanks for your input.  I didn’t do anything to deserve the punishment in the early days and I didn’t believe I deserved it either.  A reason could always be fabricated and it was.  As I have mentioned in a much earlier part to this story, it is largely absent these days but the damage inflicted is still with me.  Not to the same degree it once was but still present.  I am struggling at the moment with a sense of loss and grieving for what I once had and what could have been, even though I have already had years to get over it.  I think I have to accept that this time it really is all ancient history but that is something I have had to try to accept on several previous occasions, which turned out not to be the case.  History has had a habit of repeating itself.  I think not this time though.  I have to accept that and have had to live with it in the past but it will be hard for me to stop hoping and wanting, which I know isn’t the road I should be on.

     

     

    #417673
    John
    Participant

    I would like to be more of a friend or acquaintance but that doesn’t seem to be possible.  After the last break-up 4 years ago things went non-contact for something like a couple of years.  Then I was contacted again and the door was opened a little.  Since then we have communicated by telephone and messaging, often on a daily basis.  We get on well during this regular but limited contact.  Over the last few years, I have often asked if we can meet but, apart from the last time, this has always been rejected.  No doubt I will ask again, only to be rejected and hurt again.  It seems very alien to me that this limited but frequent, and amicable contact is allowed but that’s as far as it goes.  Especially since I am told that it is all in the past and is hardly given a second thought so why is there a need for the barrier?  Lots of other friends and acquaintances seem not to get the same treatment as me.  I try not to be jealous of this but I am.  I am not anticipating that we will meet again and so I need to find a way to move on and leave it all behind.   I do wonder if I am just an annoyance that is tolerated, which is an idea that does not make me feel good about myself.

    #417668
    John
    Participant

    As mentioned I arranged to see the lady I hold most dear.  After 4 years of not seeing her.  We have communicated regularly but that was as much as I was allowed to remain in her life.  This time she agreed to meet at my request, which I didn’t expect having been rejected many times since the last breakup.  My fault as always.  I think she sensed I am struggling at the moment.  I sense she agreed to meet out of pity as much as anything, which doesn’t do much for my self-esteem.  We had a lovely time but it was made clear that it wasn’t going anywhere.  Any sort of friendship seems not to be possible, which makes me wonder why we are still communicating regularly.  Knowing our history of many on and off periods, past experience tells me that “no” doesn’t always mean “no”.  This time it feels different but I will live in hope with my delusions of what could and should and would have been if my issues had not got in the way.   Tee – in answer to your question, I think she has a partner but I don’t know for sure.  On the balance of probability and lifestyle, I think she does.  I didn’t ask as I would prefer her to tell me in her own time.  I hope she is happy.  She tells me that’s the case.  No room for me anymore but I’m glad we met which will probably be for the very last time.  She told me she has moved on and it’s all in the past.  Ancient history etc…. I need to move on as well but I know myself well enough to know that won’t be anytime soon.  She was the one and I pushed her away with my self-destructive behaviour.  In a few weeks time it will be 31 years since the first day we kissed.   Clearly, I’m one of those creatures that pairs for life.  Nature is full of them.

    #417061
    John
    Participant

    Tee,
    I know I have caused her an awful lot of pain.  The situation over all the years must have been truly awful for her.  I’m resolved to not cause anymore pain.  We are at ease with each other, which is remarkable considering our history.  She is getting on with life and living life to the full and seems to be in a happy place.  She means an awful lot to me so I want her to be happy.  When she’s sad so am I so I must not cause more distress with promises I can’t deliver.   When I am calm and rational and we are in a good place, the promises seem to be the easiest thing to deliver but the calm rational thinking gets completely destroyed by my irrational, subconscious, side which I can’t control.  It controls me no matter how much I try to override it.  I have always thought of myself as being fairly grounded and balanced and that is usually the case in most aspects of my life but have concluded that is not always the case and far from it.

    #417059
    John
    Participant

    Peter,

    No need to apologise.  It doesn’t sound harsh to me.  To be honest, I don’t really understand the message.  I spoke to my friend again last night and she agreed to meet with me in a few days at her house.  I’m not sure how it will turn out and she thinks it will be a bad idea for both of us but recognises that it is important to me.  After 4 years of waiting, I just want to spend time with her and would be perfectly happy to sit with her in silence and do nothing.  Although very unlikely, I can’t rule out the possibility that this could be the start of another “on again” phase.  The relationship has had many endings that were all thought to be absolutely final and they have turned out not to be.  If that hope is obliterated perhaps I will get some release and be able to let go and move on.  I can’t be sure of that and suspect I will continue to live in hope that the person who I have loved for over 30 years will come back to me.  Even if it happened, I know it would go nowhere as I have never been able to deal with the other side of my life.  My actions with that part seem to be under the control of my damaged subconscious mind.  I am unable to move forward rationally and create an outcome that my heart and rational mind has been crying out for, for the last 30 years.

    #417048
    John
    Participant

    Last night I talked to my friend for over an hour.  I think she is still my friend but I am not really sure.  We still communicate quite frequently and it is usually positive, relaxed and friendly.  I was thinking it was 3 years since I last saw her but to my horror I worked out it was 4.  She wasn’t speaking to me for over year after the last break up but eventually reached out to tell me she had moved on and from there we began to communicate every few weeks by ‘phone and more frequently by text.  This is a pattern of behaviour that we have gone through several times.  After the first break up I didn’t see her for 10 years but we still communicated.  After 10 years, I was just beginning to get used to the idea of not seeing her and then we got back together as if we had never been apart.  Carried on where we left off.  There have been other extended break ups and reconciliations.  Needless to say our on again, off again history gives me hope that one day she will let me back into her life just a little more.  That would mean a lot to me and make me much happier but I don’t think it will happen.  I asked if I could see her one last time as I am trying to let go and move on.  Our long history is such that neither of us has been much good at doing that.  Many times over the last 4 years I have asked if we can meet and it has always been declined.  Eventually, I stopped asking as the rejections were painful.  I haven’t really understand why we can’t meet as we are still on good speaking terms and meeting as old friends seems to me like a perfectly natural thing to do.  Last night I asked again.  She said most definitely not which eventually turned into “I’ll have a think about it”.  Needless to say I live in hope that we will meet and that it can lead to some sort of closure for me but what I really want is to be her friend again.

    #416799
    John
    Participant

    Logically, I don’t think I need her permission but logic doesn’t seem to have much to do with my situation.  When you have been dominated for so long, not going against the flow becomes second nature.  Anyway, getting permission would require an adult conversation which isn’t very likely.

    #416797
    John
    Participant

    I don’t tell myself I am a loser.  I don’t have much of that inner critic within me.  By most standards I am not a loser but quite a high achiever.  Not outstanding but certainly above average.  Very well educated, no debts and money in the bank.  I had a successful career and was able to retire early when going to work became a bit stale.  Stopping work a few years ago was connected with trying to leave and move in with my friend but, as always, I failed to achieve that goal when I held myself back from going ahead.  In my younger day I was often complimented on my good looks and I am still in reasonably good shape.  All positive stuff and should have nothing to worry about and little reason for self-criticism….. apart from my one big issue that always held me back from getting what mattered most.

    #416794
    John
    Participant

    DevanC,

    Sorry to hear you are experiencing the same however, I’m not sure I can be your inspiration.  My story is a sad one of half a lifetime that has been ruined by my inability to deal with my situation.  I feel that I could deal with it now if only I had the help and support of my friend but she has heard that story too many times and will not be pulled back into it.  She’s right.  Experience tells me that I am deluding myself.  I know I come across as being a pathetic, whining loser and keep re-reading the post on this thread from Crystal.  It’s a “pull yourself together and take responsibility for your life” type of message.  I keep telling myself the same but it doesn’t work.  There is something deep inside my subconscious that overrides everything else and does so by a big margin.  I can’t switch it off and it keeps switching on continuously.  It’s all very odd.

    #416639
    John
    Participant

    It’s been a long time since I last tried to leave.  Things seem to be coming to a head so I will try again.  I have somewhere to go. I’m not sure how well it will work out as previous attempts have not been successful.  I have lost the support of the person who was once closest to me.  I’ll be on my own this time and I know it isn’t going to be easy.  Outwardly it appears that I have chosen to stay put for all these years.  Having tried to understand my situation I have concluded that I had little choice, which sounds like a very poor excuse.  It seems to me that there has been competing forces within me such that my rational self is not in control and the subconscious, irrational, side of me has prevented me from pursuing happiness.  It isn’t something I have been able to get under control but I’m hoping it has abated enough for me to make the transition such that what I want wins the battle that rages within me.  I have always wanted to leave.  I have never wanted to stay but I have always stayed or gone back after leaving only to want to leave again.

    #416044
    John
    Participant

    Is it normal for a 63 year old man to be feeling like a love-sick teenager?

    #416043
    John
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I will be waiting in the hope of seeing her again one day.  I know I will wait forever.  She was the one for me and I lost through my own failings.</p>

    #416027
    John
    Participant

    I have returned to the site after a long absence because writing here seems to help.  I am deeply troubled at the moment with an overwhelming sense of loss.  It has been 3 years since I last saw the lady I love very dearly and the sense of loss has not diminished.  We still communicate very regularly and I am grateful for the little contact we still have but she doesn’t want to see me again.  Understandably she tells me it is all over but I live in hope that one day I will see her again.  We have broken up many times with extended periods of not communicating followed by getting back together so I live in hope that we can meet again one day.

    #415966
    John
    Participant

    I’m not convinced this is the problem and the solution for me but thanks for your input as it is good to hear all possibilities.  Like in good detective work, possible suspects need to be eliminated from enquiries and whoever is left is the one who committed the crime.  Some sort of phobia is what fits well with my thinking, but only partially.  Some people are terrified of spiders, which we all know is irrational but close proximity to spiders promotes a very real reaction in these people.  Similarly, I know that my problem is irrational and also know that it is very real as well, hence the idea it might be phobia related.  Also, the idea of complex PTSD seems to fit quite well with my self-analysis, but not fully.  I suspect the two are somehow linked to my situation but, the idea that they are linked, also doesn’t quite work for me.  If it is a phobia then the solution to that is usually considered to be exposure to the stimulus with the gradual realisation that nothing bad is happening, so the fear dissipates.  I have had plenty of input stimulus but it has hardly reduced the anxiety levels.  Repeated aggression/abuse is one of the causes of complex PTSD and it took me a long time to realise that abuse is what I endured, so I conclude that complex PTSD is likely to have developed within me and I think that is something that can be developed in adults without connection to childhood.  I also recognise that the adult personality is linked to childhood development and that a different upbringing could have developed me as a different adult.  Perhaps with more resilience such that I would not be in the position I am today.  I guess that all these things can overlap to a certain extent, such that one terminology doesn’t necessarily fit perfectly.

    #415964
    John
    Participant

    Tee,

    What you conclude might well be true but I can’t say that I recognize the situation you describe.  Perhaps a little.  Assuming it is true, any idea what I need to do to fix the problem and what would it actually involve.  Therapy of some sort presumably.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 72 total)