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John

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  • #416799
    John
    Participant

    Logically, I don’t think I need her permission but logic doesn’t seem to have much to do with my situation.  When you have been dominated for so long, not going against the flow becomes second nature.  Anyway, getting permission would require an adult conversation which isn’t very likely.

    #416797
    John
    Participant

    I don’t tell myself I am a loser.  I don’t have much of that inner critic within me.  By most standards I am not a loser but quite a high achiever.  Not outstanding but certainly above average.  Very well educated, no debts and money in the bank.  I had a successful career and was able to retire early when going to work became a bit stale.  Stopping work a few years ago was connected with trying to leave and move in with my friend but, as always, I failed to achieve that goal when I held myself back from going ahead.  In my younger day I was often complimented on my good looks and I am still in reasonably good shape.  All positive stuff and should have nothing to worry about and little reason for self-criticism….. apart from my one big issue that always held me back from getting what mattered most.

    #416794
    John
    Participant

    DevanC,

    Sorry to hear you are experiencing the same however, I’m not sure I can be your inspiration.  My story is a sad one of half a lifetime that has been ruined by my inability to deal with my situation.  I feel that I could deal with it now if only I had the help and support of my friend but she has heard that story too many times and will not be pulled back into it.  She’s right.  Experience tells me that I am deluding myself.  I know I come across as being a pathetic, whining loser and keep re-reading the post on this thread from Crystal.  It’s a “pull yourself together and take responsibility for your life” type of message.  I keep telling myself the same but it doesn’t work.  There is something deep inside my subconscious that overrides everything else and does so by a big margin.  I can’t switch it off and it keeps switching on continuously.  It’s all very odd.

    #416639
    John
    Participant

    It’s been a long time since I last tried to leave.  Things seem to be coming to a head so I will try again.  I have somewhere to go. I’m not sure how well it will work out as previous attempts have not been successful.  I have lost the support of the person who was once closest to me.  I’ll be on my own this time and I know it isn’t going to be easy.  Outwardly it appears that I have chosen to stay put for all these years.  Having tried to understand my situation I have concluded that I had little choice, which sounds like a very poor excuse.  It seems to me that there has been competing forces within me such that my rational self is not in control and the subconscious, irrational, side of me has prevented me from pursuing happiness.  It isn’t something I have been able to get under control but I’m hoping it has abated enough for me to make the transition such that what I want wins the battle that rages within me.  I have always wanted to leave.  I have never wanted to stay but I have always stayed or gone back after leaving only to want to leave again.

    #416044
    John
    Participant

    Is it normal for a 63 year old man to be feeling like a love-sick teenager?

    #416043
    John
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I will be waiting in the hope of seeing her again one day.  I know I will wait forever.  She was the one for me and I lost through my own failings.</p>

    #416027
    John
    Participant

    I have returned to the site after a long absence because writing here seems to help.  I am deeply troubled at the moment with an overwhelming sense of loss.  It has been 3 years since I last saw the lady I love very dearly and the sense of loss has not diminished.  We still communicate very regularly and I am grateful for the little contact we still have but she doesn’t want to see me again.  Understandably she tells me it is all over but I live in hope that one day I will see her again.  We have broken up many times with extended periods of not communicating followed by getting back together so I live in hope that we can meet again one day.

    #415966
    John
    Participant

    I’m not convinced this is the problem and the solution for me but thanks for your input as it is good to hear all possibilities.  Like in good detective work, possible suspects need to be eliminated from enquiries and whoever is left is the one who committed the crime.  Some sort of phobia is what fits well with my thinking, but only partially.  Some people are terrified of spiders, which we all know is irrational but close proximity to spiders promotes a very real reaction in these people.  Similarly, I know that my problem is irrational and also know that it is very real as well, hence the idea it might be phobia related.  Also, the idea of complex PTSD seems to fit quite well with my self-analysis, but not fully.  I suspect the two are somehow linked to my situation but, the idea that they are linked, also doesn’t quite work for me.  If it is a phobia then the solution to that is usually considered to be exposure to the stimulus with the gradual realisation that nothing bad is happening, so the fear dissipates.  I have had plenty of input stimulus but it has hardly reduced the anxiety levels.  Repeated aggression/abuse is one of the causes of complex PTSD and it took me a long time to realise that abuse is what I endured, so I conclude that complex PTSD is likely to have developed within me and I think that is something that can be developed in adults without connection to childhood.  I also recognise that the adult personality is linked to childhood development and that a different upbringing could have developed me as a different adult.  Perhaps with more resilience such that I would not be in the position I am today.  I guess that all these things can overlap to a certain extent, such that one terminology doesn’t necessarily fit perfectly.

    #415964
    John
    Participant

    Tee,

    What you conclude might well be true but I can’t say that I recognize the situation you describe.  Perhaps a little.  Assuming it is true, any idea what I need to do to fix the problem and what would it actually involve.  Therapy of some sort presumably.

    #415948
    John
    Participant

    Tee,

    Thanks for your thoughts and taking the time to read my story.  My latest thinking is that I am suffering from what is known as the Fawn response.  It is basically a people-pleasing response to aggression but for me, it relates only to my wife and not to others.  Some people have the Fight, Flight or Freeze responses but the Fawn response is another possible outcome that is now widely recognised.  Many believe that it is something that develops as a childhood protection mechanism that can also be manifested in later life.  It’s appeasement behaviour to try to reduce the aggression.  As well as developing in childhood, it can develop later in life as a result of Complex Trauma from on-going abuse.  Emotional abuse in my case.  I think it is this second, later in life, scenario that is more like my experience.  For me, everything points to the issue developing in my early twenties when I met my wife and it developed almost instantaneously.  Perhaps back then I still had enough of the child left in me to be susceptible.  I do not think it relates specifically to trauma in my childhood years as I don’t recall any childhood trauma that would fit with my experience.  Everything in my experience relates to something that developed later in life and has been with me for nearly 40 years.  It’s a very big price to pay.  So much lost time and the loss of the person most precious to me for 30 years.  We had hopes and dreams that came to nothing because of my issues.  I still have those hopes and dreams but I know it is no longer possible.  Time and again she would try to help me get away.  It has ruined my life and done a lot of damage to much of hers.  She finally got out and moved on and I am trying to be happy for her as I love her dearly.  Total and utter madness!

    #415899
    John
    Participant

    Still stuck after all these years.  The lady I love has moved on.  Me less so as she is never far from my thoughts.  I can hardly imagine the amount of pain I must have caused her.  My behaviour was atrocious but I wasn’t in control of myself when things finally fell apart for the last time.  I live in hope that one day I will see her again but I don’t think that will happen.  We still talk but needless to say it isn’t like before.  I finally lost the love of my life and deservedly so.  If only I had been able to do what needed to be done, I could have been so happy building a life with her.  We both wanted a life together for a very long time.  Decades in fact, so what we had must have been something very special for it to have endured for so long and with such a lot of stress on the relationship.  To anyone who might read this, do not let the same thing happen to you.  You will waste your life on a controlling abuser.  Don’t think it can’t happen to you as it happens all the time.  Let my story and countless others be a lesson.

    #153452
    John
    Participant

    It seems that recent additions to this thread have been removed.  Thanks to whoever arranged that.

    #146971
    John
    Participant

    Big red flag here.  Does he get angry, aggressive and lose his temper with all people or just a select few?  If it is under control with some and not others then he is choosing this behaviour, which is about dominance and control.  You are modifying  your behaviour to try to prevent his bad behaviour and are now walking on eggshells through fear of provoking the outbursts.  You are no longer being yourself which will not be good for you in the long term.  In a healthy relationship you should feel free to be yourself without fear of the consequences and that is no longer the case.  You have tried to be reason with him and he accuses you of being controlling.  Everything points towards disrespect and an unbalanced relationship.  I wish you well but fear for your mental health.

    #146137
    John
    Participant

    jlo5.  You did the right thing.  His recent and previous bad behaviour has been about control and anger.  When he finally realised that the abusive approach doesn’t  work anymore he changed his behaviour because you didn’t respond as he was hoping and in the way you have previously.  Rewarding bad behaviour with the desired response only serves to reinforce it.  Be aware that this new approach could just be a variation on how to regain control as you and he will only be free from it when he finally moves on from where he has been for a little longtime.  Good luck and best wishes.

    #137405
    John
    Participant

    If it makes you feel bad it is emotional abuse. Little by little it will destroy you.  You will modify your behaviour in order to please him, or more likely, not displease him.  Eventually your personality will be changed which will make you very unhappy. You will tiptoe around him walking on eggshells as opposed to being your natural authentic self.  Unless he changes, the discomfort you feel around him will get worse.  This is what happened to me over a 35 year period. Don’t make my mistake and get trapped by it. It will make you very unwell from a mental health perspective.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 66 total)