I don’t tell myself I am a loser.  I don’t have much of that inner critic within me.  By most standards I am not a loser but quite a high achiever.  Not outstanding but certainly above average.  Very well educated, no debts and money in the bank.  I had a successful career and was able to retire early when going to work became a bit stale.  Stopping work a few years ago was connected with trying to leave and move in with my friend but, as always, I failed to achieve that goal when I held myself back from going ahead.  In my younger day I was often complimented on my good looks and I am still in reasonably good shape.  All positive stuff and should have nothing to worry about and little reason for self-criticism….. apart from my one big issue that always held me back from getting what mattered most.

It’s been a long time since I last tried to leave.  Things seem to be coming to a head so I will try again.  I have somewhere to go. I’m not sure how well it will work out as previous attempts have not been successful.  I have lost the support of the person who was once closest to me.  I’ll be on my own this time and I know it isn’t going to be easy.  Outwardly it appears that I have chosen to stay put for all these years.  Having tried to understand my situation I have concluded that I had little choice, which sounds like a very poor excuse.  It seems to me that there has been competing forces within me such that my rational self is not in control and the subconscious, irrational, side of me has prevented me from pursuing happiness.  It isn’t something I have been able to get under control but I’m hoping it has abated enough for me to make the transition such that what I want wins the battle that rages within me.  I have always wanted to leave.  I have never wanted to stay but I have always stayed or gone back after leaving only to want to leave again.

<p style=”text-align: left;”>I will be waiting in the hope of seeing her again one day.  I know I will wait forever.  She was the one for me and I lost through my own failings.</p>

I’m not convinced this is the problem and the solution for me but thanks for your input as it is good to hear all possibilities.  Like in good detective work, possible suspects need to be eliminated from enquiries and whoever is left is the one who committed the crime.  Some sort of phobia is what fits well with my thinking, but only partially.  Some people are terrified of spiders, which we all know is irrational but close proximity to spiders promotes a very real reaction in these people.  Similarly, I know that my problem is irrational and also know that it is very real as well, hence the idea it might be phobia related.  Also, the idea of complex PTSD seems to fit quite well with my self-analysis, but not fully.  I suspect the two are somehow linked to my situation but, the idea that they are linked, also doesn’t quite work for me.  If it is a phobia then the solution to that is usually considered to be exposure to the stimulus with the gradual realisation that nothing bad is happening, so the fear dissipates.  I have had plenty of input stimulus but it has hardly reduced the anxiety levels.  Repeated aggression/abuse is one of the causes of complex PTSD and it took me a long time to realise that abuse is what I endured, so I conclude that complex PTSD is likely to have developed within me and I think that is something that can be developed in adults without connection to childhood.  I also recognise that the adult personality is linked to childhood development and that a different upbringing could have developed me as a different adult.  Perhaps with more resilience such that I would not be in the position I am today.  I guess that all these things can overlap to a certain extent, such that one terminology doesn’t necessarily fit perfectly.

Tee,

Thanks for your thoughts and taking the time to read my story.  My latest thinking is that I am suffering from what is known as the Fawn response.  It is basically a people-pleasing response to aggression but for me, it relates only to my wife and not to others.  Some people have the Fight, Flight or Freeze responses but the Fawn response is another possible outcome that is now widely recognised.  Many believe that it is something that develops as a childhood protection mechanism that can also be manifested in later life.  It’s appeasement behaviour to try to reduce the aggression.  As well as developing in childhood, it can develop later in life as a result of Complex Trauma from on-going abuse.  Emotional abuse in my case.  I think it is this second, later in life, scenario that is more like my experience.  For me, everything points to the issue developing in my early twenties when I met my wife and it developed almost instantaneously.  Perhaps back then I still had enough of the child left in me to be susceptible.  I do not think it relates specifically to trauma in my childhood years as I don’t recall any childhood trauma that would fit with my experience.  Everything in my experience relates to something that developed later in life and has been with me for nearly 40 years.  It’s a very big price to pay.  So much lost time and the loss of the person most precious to me for 30 years.  We had hopes and dreams that came to nothing because of my issues.  I still have those hopes and dreams but I know it is no longer possible.  Time and again she would try to help me get away.  It has ruined my life and done a lot of damage to much of hers.  She finally got out and moved on and I am trying to be happy for her as I love her dearly.  Total and utter madness!

It seems that recent additions to this thread have been removed.  Thanks to whoever arranged that.