“How have you changed since 2010, are you aware? You say you lost self-confidence. Why do you think that’s the case?”

I’m aware, but I’m not aware. I think I used to genuinely like people and had a warm personality, and when I would speak and it just came out natural and genuine. I had a healthy/normal level of confidence – I hadn’t always per a traumatic childhood, but had been recovering well in my early adulthood. People wanted to be around me. If I walked into a room and looked around and spotted someone who looked like someone I could connect with, I knew I was making a new connection or possibly even a new friend that night.

Now, no one has the patience to even stand next to me for 5 minutes – I see them not paying attention, looking around, and planning their exit – and then they smile and go away. Obviously I’m putting something out there but I don’t know what it is. I used to troubleshoot this regularly; I’d brainstorm possible things I could be doing without realizing (rambling, seeming too needy or desperate, not making eye contact due to my new-found trust issues, not hiding my darkness/profound sadness well enough, not listening – I used to be such a great listener – because I’m distracted by my insecurities, etc.) I would work on each of these things within myself every time I was in a situation with a new stranger or strangers, certain that of course I’d eventually figure things out and start connecting with other human beings again. But it didn’t happen.Or, it hasn’t happened. In 13 years. And since the pandemic and lockdown and all that, I stopped putting myself in social situations and can’t really find the desire to keep trying anymore.

I’ve lost my spark. Nothing brings me joy anymore. I used to radiate passion for all things and love for all people. The light in me has been extinguished.

“Just a thought here: do you think it’s possible that some of those friends were around because you were well-off materially? And/or because they were superficial friends? And then as you went through a financial loss, and likely emotional crisis too, those people just evaporated from your life?

Or you perhaps changed, due to the crisis you were going through, and you became difficult to relate to?”

Naw, I was never that well off. But I was supporting myself just fine and was able to afford a social life. My friendships all feel apart for various reasons but to protect my (and others) privacy, I won’t go into details that could end up being too revealing.

But yes, it’s definitely me that changed. And some of those fractured friendships were indeed related to me being difficult to relate to and self-focused during that time. Some were crushing, because I always thought I was the kind of friend who was there for anyone no matter what. My confidence disappeared once I realized no one loved me in the unconditional way that I loved them – not a single one! Even the ones I’d known for decades, loved more than my own family. I thought I would know them all until I left this Earth.

So it’s hard to find any reason to continue on. If euthanasia was an option, I would give every bit of money I had to enter eternal sleep right after my mother, the last person on earth who cares anything about me, closes her eyes for the last time. She has a lot of health problems and I figure she has maybe 2-3 years left, if we’re lucky. I would never leave before her because I would never hurt her like that. So I’m still here for the time being anyway, with a great desire to enter eternal rest, but no immediate plans to carry that out.

Sorry if this is a more emotional and in depth reply than you were expecting. I’m having such a bad day and crying through this post. Maybe geting it out here will give my tear ducts a break tonight. I’m super weak and dizzy and my face is literally hurting from crying all week.