Dear Maida

How are you now? sometimes a vent and a good cry is just what we need.

Sometimes our enthusiasm/desperation can be off putting, I know I can be tiggerish and occasional eyeoreish, but when I am at ease with myself, I find life brings friendships and fun.

You’re being very hard on yourself and thinking you “should”  be a certain way, that your life “should” be a certain way and that your worth comes from others’ acceptance of you. I am autistic and socially awkward. I’m an introvert on disability for bipolar. I am shy around people I don’t know. I’ve tried volunteering, meetups and facebook groups. I get it. We sometimes hit a wall of “Where do I go next? Who do I become?” But let me be clear – that’s where your breakthrough happens. You must break through that wall with your dreams, goals, relationship with yourself and humanity found even if you feel you have nothing. I don’t know who you are or what your life has been like, but I have experienced similar feelings. This is not your unbecoming. This is you needing help. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean YOU are wrong, bad or worthless. It just means you need a hand up and some kindness. Sometimes kindness is hard to find in this world. But you can start with being kind to yourself. You deserve to be here. You are good. You are beautiful. You are enough exactly as you are in this moment. You do not have to fret about others’ getting it. If they don’t, they aren’t worth chasing. Find something you love to pour your heart into even if it doesn’t make sense to others. If you want to continue venting here, that’s a way to make some connections.

• This reply was modified 11 months, 3 weeks ago by Sarah Jeanne Browne.

Do you have anyone you can talk to at all about your feelings? Suicidal ideation even something you don’t plan to act on can lead to tunnel vision and further isolation and pain. Do you have a trusted friend, family member or therapist? There are also hotlines if you check out Tiny Buddha resource page.

Dear Maida,

I hear you and feel your pain. I can relate to crying non-stop and not seeing a way out. But let me say right away: there is a way out! Don’t lose hope! Let me try to explain…

What I think happened to you is that your childhood trauma got triggered in 2010, when you experienced all those losses. You say you had a traumatic childhood, but you had been recovering well in your early adulthood:

I had a healthy/normal level of confidence – I hadn’t always per a traumatic childhood, but had been recovering well in my early adulthood.

That’s actually quite common – that we find enough strength in our early adulthood to get away from the painful conditions we grew up in, and start a life of our own. We hope that life from then on will be better and more hopeful, with more opportunities. We are doing well, we’re pleased with ourselves. But then something happens – a crisis, a sudden loss – and our childhood trauma gets triggered. And then we sort of enter a downward spiral, where everything starts falling part.

It could be that something like that happened to you too? That losing your job caused a major emotional/self-confidence crisis in you, from which you couldn’t just bounce back so easily. Maybe you couldn’t find another job so quickly, and you ended up losing your car and your home too?

If so, that was a turning point – the point where you childhood trauma got triggered and entered your life again. And then I guess you started behaving differently too: you couldn’t any more be the warm, kind and self-confident person you used to be (I used to genuinely like people and had a warm personality).

Also, it seems you were the kind of person who liked helping people (you said you volunteered at a suicide hotline). All this changed after the sudden loss in 2010. Instead of feeling confident and capable of helping others, to be there for them – you probably became worried, anxious, insecure, and possibly needy.

You needed help and support – which is completely natural in the time of crisis – but your friends, as it seems, didn’t know what to do with that. Maybe you did become too difficult to be around, but maybe also those friends of yours were people who in the past needed your help. But when it was you who suddenly needed help, they just didn’t have the capacity to support you?

So it could be both – both that you changed, and that they were more of the “taking” types, not really capable of giving help when you needed it?

What do you say?

If this sounds plausible, there are ways to heal childhood trauma (which is also called Complex PTSD). There is plenty of free materials on youtube and a lot of self-help resources if you cannot afford a therapist at the moment. (I can point you at some of those resources, if you’d like to). But the key is to know: you’re not doomed, there is a way out!

Let me know what you think…

Hi Maida

I registered here just to write reply to you. I can relate 100% to your post. There are many similarities when I analyze my life  – no friends at least for last 10 years(as most of them dumped me due to mine of their own faults), no one had any interest in me ever since (only my husband is by my side), I have tried many times (local meet up groups, courses for interests, church etc), but I was unable to kindle anything. Besides, I always felt that even, if I orchestrate some get-together, – it was not satisfying, talks were superficial and somewhat shallow. I myself wanted something deeper and more meaningful, but could not nurture it or find it.

At one point of my life,  I thought that something must be really wrong with me, I became very critical and harsh on myself, always thinking that others are much better then me. Of course, how could it be any different, if they all have numerous friends, seem very happy (on the outside). I had read some self-help books – Dale Carnegie – “How to Win friends…” and other books.

Reading these books seemed like a very primitive solution to very complex human nature, even if it offered some know-how.

So, I had to reevaluate everything in my life and to prepare myself  for moving forward – friends or not. I had to learn to accept myself, to be gentler on myself, to try to understand better as why I act (or in-act) certain way. I had to forgive those that turned their back on me and to forgive myself for my own actions. It worked, I feel more at peace, even with no people around. I try to channel my energy into something positive – long walks in nature, nice gentle music, some spiritual readings, some online courses, some crafts.

There is wonderful book I can suggest – by Viktor Frankle – “Man’s search for meaning”. I found it very deep and profound.

I still have not made any progress bringing friends into my life, but I am more content now. My outlook started to shift to more half full glass vs half empty.

Hope you could turn your life around and one day have found a true joy or at least be at peace with yourself.