Home→Forums→Tough Times→My spirit was crushed in 2011 and I still can’t move forward.
- This topic has 15 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 1 month ago by Mandy.
April 25, 2023 at 4:47 pm #417733
I found my way here out of desperation, really. I don’t know how much longer I can continue going through the motions when I feel broken beyond repair inside. Having a really bad night. A lot of things happened to me starting in 2010. I lost my job, then my car, then my home, and then all my friends. I was single, but up until that point I had friends who had been in my life for 10-20+ years among others. Every single friendship of mine fell apart at the same time, for various reasons. I have since gotten back on my feet, but I still have no friends. I no longer have any confidence in myself, so I don’t know how to talk to people anymore. I have tried numerous things – joining meetups, volunteering for causes that interest me, etc. – but people always seem put off by my personality. That never used to happen before, and I can’t figure out how to change myself back into the kind of person that others wanted to know. I feel hopeless that I will ever make another friend or date again. I don’t know that I’m asking for help, or asking anything in particular of the community. I’m just having a really bad night and I can’t stop crying. I guess just thank you for letting me vent.April 26, 2023 at 11:23 am #417754RobertaParticipant
How are you now? sometimes a vent and a good cry is just what we need.
Sometimes our enthusiasm/desperation can be off putting, I know I can be tiggerish and occasional eyeoreish, but when I am at ease with myself, I find life brings friendships and fun.April 27, 2023 at 3:32 am #417769TeeParticipant
A lot of things happened to me starting in 2010. I lost my job, then my car, then my home, and then all my friends
That’s hard, I am sorry this happened to you. You say you lost your friends for various reasons (Every single friendship of mine fell apart at the same time, for various reasons.) Just a thought here: do you think it’s possible that some of those friends were around because you were well-off materially? And/or because they were superficial friends? And then as you went through a financial loss, and likely emotional crisis too, those people just evaporated from your life?
Or you perhaps changed, due to the crisis you were going through, and you became difficult to relate to?
I am just throwing ideas here, please disregard if it doesn’t apply.
I no longer have any confidence in myself, so I don’t know how to talk to people anymore.
people always seem put off by my personality. That never used to happen before, and I can’t figure out how to change myself back into the kind of person that others wanted to know.
How have you changed since 2010, are you aware? You say you lost self-confidence. Why do you think that’s the case?April 28, 2023 at 3:06 pm #417801
You’re being very hard on yourself and thinking you “should” be a certain way, that your life “should” be a certain way and that your worth comes from others’ acceptance of you. I am autistic and socially awkward. I’m an introvert on disability for bipolar. I am shy around people I don’t know. I’ve tried volunteering, meetups and facebook groups. I get it. We sometimes hit a wall of “Where do I go next? Who do I become?” But let me be clear – that’s where your breakthrough happens. You must break through that wall with your dreams, goals, relationship with yourself and humanity found even if you feel you have nothing. I don’t know who you are or what your life has been like, but I have experienced similar feelings. This is not your unbecoming. This is you needing help. And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean YOU are wrong, bad or worthless. It just means you need a hand up and some kindness. Sometimes kindness is hard to find in this world. But you can start with being kind to yourself. You deserve to be here. You are good. You are beautiful. You are enough exactly as you are in this moment. You do not have to fret about others’ getting it. If they don’t, they aren’t worth chasing. Find something you love to pour your heart into even if it doesn’t make sense to others. If you want to continue venting here, that’s a way to make some connections.
April 28, 2023 at 3:06 pm #417803
- This reply was modified 1 month ago by Sarah Jeanne Browne.
“How have you changed since 2010, are you aware? You say you lost self-confidence. Why do you think that’s the case?”
I’m aware, but I’m not aware. I think I used to genuinely like people and had a warm personality, and when I would speak and it just came out natural and genuine. I had a healthy/normal level of confidence – I hadn’t always per a traumatic childhood, but had been recovering well in my early adulthood. People wanted to be around me. If I walked into a room and looked around and spotted someone who looked like someone I could connect with, I knew I was making a new connection or possibly even a new friend that night.
Now, no one has the patience to even stand next to me for 5 minutes – I see them not paying attention, looking around, and planning their exit – and then they smile and go away. Obviously I’m putting something out there but I don’t know what it is. I used to troubleshoot this regularly; I’d brainstorm possible things I could be doing without realizing (rambling, seeming too needy or desperate, not making eye contact due to my new-found trust issues, not hiding my darkness/profound sadness well enough, not listening – I used to be such a great listener – because I’m distracted by my insecurities, etc.) I would work on each of these things within myself every time I was in a situation with a new stranger or strangers, certain that of course I’d eventually figure things out and start connecting with other human beings again. But it didn’t happen.Or, it hasn’t happened. In 13 years. And since the pandemic and lockdown and all that, I stopped putting myself in social situations and can’t really find the desire to keep trying anymore.
I’ve lost my spark. Nothing brings me joy anymore. I used to radiate passion for all things and love for all people. The light in me has been extinguished.
“Just a thought here: do you think it’s possible that some of those friends were around because you were well-off materially? And/or because they were superficial friends? And then as you went through a financial loss, and likely emotional crisis too, those people just evaporated from your life?
Or you perhaps changed, due to the crisis you were going through, and you became difficult to relate to?”
Naw, I was never that well off. But I was supporting myself just fine and was able to afford a social life. My friendships all feel apart for various reasons but to protect my (and others) privacy, I won’t go into details that could end up being too revealing.
But yes, it’s definitely me that changed. And some of those fractured friendships were indeed related to me being difficult to relate to and self-focused during that time. Some were crushing, because I always thought I was the kind of friend who was there for anyone no matter what. My confidence disappeared once I realized no one loved me in the unconditional way that I loved them – not a single one! Even the ones I’d known for decades, loved more than my own family. I thought I would know them all until I left this Earth.
So it’s hard to find any reason to continue on. If euthanasia was an option, I would give every bit of money I had to enter eternal sleep right after my mother, the last person on earth who cares anything about me, closes her eyes for the last time. She has a lot of health problems and I figure she has maybe 2-3 years left, if we’re lucky. I would never leave before her because I would never hurt her like that. So I’m still here for the time being anyway, with a great desire to enter eternal rest, but no immediate plans to carry that out.
Sorry if this is a more emotional and in depth reply than you were expecting. I’m having such a bad day and crying through this post. Maybe geting it out here will give my tear ducts a break tonight. I’m super weak and dizzy and my face is literally hurting from crying all week.April 28, 2023 at 3:13 pm #417809
Thank you. <3 <3 <3April 28, 2023 at 3:15 pm #417810
I’m still figuring out this board and how to reply directly to people, but my thank you was meant as a reply to Sarah.April 28, 2023 at 3:15 pm #417811
Do you have anyone you can talk to at all about your feelings? Suicidal ideation even something you don’t plan to act on can lead to tunnel vision and further isolation and pain. Do you have a trusted friend, family member or therapist? There are also hotlines if you check out Tiny Buddha resource page.April 28, 2023 at 3:16 pm #417812
Also you’re welcome.April 28, 2023 at 3:20 pm #417813
Hi Sarah, I don’t have anyone to talk to about anything, let alone things like this. I tried for years to get a therapist and they had ridiculous wait lists in my area. Now I’m unemployed and don’t have insurance (in fact, interviewing and trying to get a job while watching my bank account dwindle dangerously low is partly responsible for my high emotional state this week), so therapy is out of the question. I don’t find those helplines helpful, typically – I used to be a volunteer for the Samaritans suicide hotline and it’s just so scripted and unnatural; that doesn’t help me. The focus of the call will be on making sure I don’t have immediate access to anythign I could use, and getting me off the phone in 10 minutes. I will check out the resources page in case there’s something else I’m unaware of though, thanks again.April 28, 2023 at 3:27 pm #417814
I have had trouble with therapists too. I see just a psychiatrist right now for bipolar. So I get it. I worked very hard on myself on my own through writing therapy and other coping skills. I don’t know what personally would help you but I can say that there is still hope. I understand you’re working through a very tough situation. That sucks that those hotlines can be pushy to get off phone. At least you know what works and what doesn’t work for you to an extent. Maybe something else on the resource page will help. But I’m here to talk to too.
I think it’s good to separate two things: Unemployment and poverty do not equate your worth. We all hit lows sometimes. You’re human. You’re allowed to struggle. There’s a job section on this forum where you can post maybe about job hunting or something like that!
If you want advice or just someone to listen, I’m here too! Let me know how I can help. I think that you are being extra hard on yourself ON TOP of the financial struggle. The last thing you need is self-blame. And I see that self-advocacy has hit a dead end many times so it’s good that you found this forum.
As for job searching, there are also remote jobs if you can’t find something local. Just something to keep in mind!April 29, 2023 at 12:40 am #417815TeeParticipant
I hear you and feel your pain. I can relate to crying non-stop and not seeing a way out. But let me say right away: there is a way out! Don’t lose hope! Let me try to explain…
What I think happened to you is that your childhood trauma got triggered in 2010, when you experienced all those losses. You say you had a traumatic childhood, but you had been recovering well in your early adulthood:
I had a healthy/normal level of confidence – I hadn’t always per a traumatic childhood, but had been recovering well in my early adulthood.
That’s actually quite common – that we find enough strength in our early adulthood to get away from the painful conditions we grew up in, and start a life of our own. We hope that life from then on will be better and more hopeful, with more opportunities. We are doing well, we’re pleased with ourselves. But then something happens – a crisis, a sudden loss – and our childhood trauma gets triggered. And then we sort of enter a downward spiral, where everything starts falling part.
It could be that something like that happened to you too? That losing your job caused a major emotional/self-confidence crisis in you, from which you couldn’t just bounce back so easily. Maybe you couldn’t find another job so quickly, and you ended up losing your car and your home too?
If so, that was a turning point – the point where you childhood trauma got triggered and entered your life again. And then I guess you started behaving differently too: you couldn’t any more be the warm, kind and self-confident person you used to be (I used to genuinely like people and had a warm personality).
Also, it seems you were the kind of person who liked helping people (you said you volunteered at a suicide hotline). All this changed after the sudden loss in 2010. Instead of feeling confident and capable of helping others, to be there for them – you probably became worried, anxious, insecure, and possibly needy.
You needed help and support – which is completely natural in the time of crisis – but your friends, as it seems, didn’t know what to do with that. Maybe you did become too difficult to be around, but maybe also those friends of yours were people who in the past needed your help. But when it was you who suddenly needed help, they just didn’t have the capacity to support you?
So it could be both – both that you changed, and that they were more of the “taking” types, not really capable of giving help when you needed it?
What do you say?
If this sounds plausible, there are ways to heal childhood trauma (which is also called Complex PTSD). There is plenty of free materials on youtube and a lot of self-help resources if you cannot afford a therapist at the moment. (I can point you at some of those resources, if you’d like to). But the key is to know: you’re not doomed, there is a way out!
Let me know what you think…April 29, 2023 at 8:04 am #417827appletreegardenParticipant
this sounds terrible. is there anything you can do? maybe you can try to carry your spirits with your remaining energy 🙁
and what would be the kind of person that you wanted to know or appreciate? i hope you find a way… as humans we always seek for a solution… but maybe you cannot repair yourself… but healing and repairing aren’t the same either
kind regards 🌞May 1, 2023 at 8:40 am #418023GloriaParticipant
I registered here just to write reply to you. I can relate 100% to your post. There are many similarities when I analyze my life – no friends at least for last 10 years(as most of them dumped me due to mine of their own faults), no one had any interest in me ever since (only my husband is by my side), I have tried many times (local meet up groups, courses for interests, church etc), but I was unable to kindle anything. Besides, I always felt that even, if I orchestrate some get-together, – it was not satisfying, talks were superficial and somewhat shallow. I myself wanted something deeper and more meaningful, but could not nurture it or find it.
At one point of my life, I thought that something must be really wrong with me, I became very critical and harsh on myself, always thinking that others are much better then me. Of course, how could it be any different, if they all have numerous friends, seem very happy (on the outside). I had read some self-help books – Dale Carnegie – “How to Win friends…” and other books.
Reading these books seemed like a very primitive solution to very complex human nature, even if it offered some know-how.
So, I had to reevaluate everything in my life and to prepare myself for moving forward – friends or not. I had to learn to accept myself, to be gentler on myself, to try to understand better as why I act (or in-act) certain way. I had to forgive those that turned their back on me and to forgive myself for my own actions. It worked, I feel more at peace, even with no people around. I try to channel my energy into something positive – long walks in nature, nice gentle music, some spiritual readings, some online courses, some crafts.
There is wonderful book I can suggest – by Viktor Frankle – “Man’s search for meaning”. I found it very deep and profound.
I still have not made any progress bringing friends into my life, but I am more content now. My outlook started to shift to more half full glass vs half empty.
Hope you could turn your life around and one day have found a true joy or at least be at peace with yourself.May 1, 2023 at 12:45 pm #418028
I’m very grateful for such heartfelt replies, and wanted to just say that I’ll be replying to each of them shortly.