Dear Saoirse,

you’ve suffered a lot as a child, exposed to a mentally ill mother. And you’re right, it can lead to a host of problems in adulthood, such as your anxiety. I understand that you would have liked if she had acknowledged the damage she’s done and apologized and made things right. But it seems she’s not willing or not capable of that.

My own mother isn’t mentally ill, but she too doesn’t want to admit that she did anything wrong while raising me. And boy she did – from persistent criticism of me to being chronically unhappy and bitter about life and blaming others for her problems. But she believes she was a good, sacrificial mother. I’ve tried to talk to her, but to no avail. She gets offended and blames me instead for being a horrible daughter. She refuses to take any responsibility for her actions and take a look in the mirror. She’d rather blame others.

After a while, I’ve given up trying. I don’t expect her any more to admit anything. I’ve realized she’ll never change. I’ve recently read a funny metaphor: “You cannot milk orange juice from a cow.” So there is no point in hoping to get orange juice from her — she’s not capable of that.

I think the first healing you’d need to do is to stop expecting her to be different, stop expecting her to give you what she isn’t capable of. And then you can decide what you want to do – whether you want to cut contact completely, or maintain a very superficial contact, where you visit her once or twice per year, and that’s it.

I understand you feel horrible in her presence, and that she triggers you a lot. And that’s I think partly because you haven’t healed your childhood trauma completely.

I was also triggered by my mother a lot, we would get into arguments, but now I can be “cool” around her. I don’t get triggered so easily. But that makes our contact very superficial, of course. I guard myself and keep my boundaries. I live in a different country and visit my parents once a year or so. And I hardly talk to her on the phone in the meanwhile. So I maintain contact, but it’s very superficial, because I can’t be honest and vulnerable with her – she would use it against me.

But anyway, my point is that I’m not triggered any more by her, because I don’t expect anything from her. That would be my advise for you too – to work towards that. And then, from that point of relative freedom – you can decide what you want to do in terms of allowing her to meet your daughter and under what conditions.

Of course, if she is verbally abusive or unsafe in any way towards you or your daughter, you shouldn’t keep contact. But if she can behave normally, then perhaps you can think about it. And of course, never leave your daughter alone with her, but only allow them to meet under your supervision. I’d keep those precautions in any case.