Dear Dafne,

you are welcome!

This man seems to be honest with his intentions but not yet ready emotionally to move on. I’ve met some men before pretending to want a relationship when in fact they just wanted to have fun or use me for another things (eg. looking after kids, language lessons, cooking etc.)

Yes, he is honest about his intentions. However, his intention is NOT to have a serious relationship with you, not even to meet you in public, but only to meet in his apartment and have sex. He told you that openly. So even if he isn’t trying to fool you about what he wants – he is still not the man who can give you what you are looking for.

I live in a very small town where most of the people are already married, retired or interested only in casual relationships. It is why I feel that I won’t have a new chance any time soon.

You only need one decent guy, and I am sure there is one such person out there. If not in your town, then in the area. You don’t need to chase this guy, who told you openly that he is not interested in a real relationship.

Also, if I really wanted to get this man out of his shell, what would you suggest?

As I said, I understand your attraction to unavailable men because they remind you of your father. You think you’ll be able to turn this guy into the man of your dreams, even though he doesn’t show any signs of wanting to change, or wanting to change because of you.

When you refused to go to his apartment, “He was very disappointed and said that if I do not want to come to his place then he doesnt want to go to the exhibition.” This shows he is still not interested in meeting you in a public place and getting to know you – he is only interested in sex with you. Nothing changed since the day you first met.

My friend adviced me to call him and say that I want that we both compromise (if we want to keep seeing each other). She said that she can think of 3 suggestions:

Dear Dafne, he only wants to see you for sex. Is that okay with you? If not, then please don’t pursue him any more.

1. Tell him that I want to show him my favourite place for walks or taking a drink (near my appartement) and would like that he takes me there and after we can go to his place but no sex

The first part (meeting in public for a walk and talk) is good. The second part is not necessary. If you don’t want to have sex with him, why would you go to his apartment? And secondly, you shouldn’t need to bribe the guy with sex so that he would go out for a walk with you.

2. To invite him to my place for a short tea time and then trying to get him in public near my place

Again, this is bribing him with private time (where he can try to have sex with you), so that he would go out to talk to you.

3. To accept his invitation to his place (before 9.30 pm) and saying upfront that there will be no sex. If he refuses, there is no point to keep on trying.

Why would you go to his place and expect that he wouldn’t initiate sex? What do you really expect of him in such a setting? Okay, I know you expect he’d finally open up and start talking to you…. but if he really wants that, he would do that in a public place too, during a walk or a coffee together. You don’t need to be in his apartment if you want him to open up. If you go to his apartment, it will mean only one thing for him: that you’re willing to be convinced to have sex.

Tee, which of these suggestions would you advice to use? Personally, I do not feel like inviting him over is good at this stage but maybe I’m wrong.

I really need to try one more time even if it sounds desperate.

Unfortunately, none of these ideas are good. I know you feel desperate, Dafne, I know you think he is your last chance. But that’s not true at all. You can find a good guy if you stop settling for breadcrumbs thrown at you by bad guys. Honestly, I am concerned that if you keep pursuing this guy, you may get burnt. He might take advantage of you if you agree to go to his apartment again.

So my advice is: don’t try to bribe him with sex, i.e. don’t agree to meet in either his or your place – before you go out and spend time in public for at least 3 times. If he isn’t willing to spend time with you in public, he is no good.

I wish you strength in this, Dafne. Don’t sell yourself short, you are worth so much more!