Dear Katrine,

We’ve been in touch once a week but I’m nervous. He’s working more then he thought he would, and on top of that he started studying four hours a day (and seeing friends and family plus dental surgery) so he is busy.

Once a week is not too much indeed. It seems he tends to take on way too much work. I remember when he worked 72 hr weeks at the hostel, which is inhumane and barely possible physically. So he might have problems with boundaries and standing up for himself. Perhaps there is also a pressure to earn money, so he can send it to his family?

He is still coming here before Portugal but I don’t know when or how long, and he said he was anxious to go back to europe and to see me (I hope he meant to say excited).

What does his arrival date depend on? Perhaps he isn’t getting a clear answer from his company about when he is needed in  Portugal, and he is hesitant to ask about it and have it defined? And yeah, I also think he meant excited, not anxious…

We haven’t planned Portugal yet because he’s hoping that they will give him at least two days off and that he can provide him a place to stay so we won’t have to stay at a hostel or something.

Yeah, it seems again that his company is not willing to fix any dates, and he is unwilling to ask. He is maybe afraid of asking anything, not to lose his job? I understand that right now, while he is in Brazil, he is in a more vulnerable position than once he gets to Europe. So I can kind of understand his hesitancy to demand anything at this point. However, if he has a tendency to not speak up for himself, it might be contributing to this whole situation of him being overburdened and unable to communicate with you more.

I have been batteling with all my triggers and extrem emotions for five months now since he said that he liked me. I know this is normal but I am really worried that it’ll all bee for nothing because he’s gone for so long and his poor texting skills.

It’s normal you feel anxious about his lack of communication. I am almost sure that it’s because he is overburdened and everyone has demands on him, and he simply doesn’t have time. But if I am seeing it right, it might be that he is a people pleaser and simply cannot say No. And so he get torn between all those demands. It seems his company is taking advantage of this weakness of his and giving him more and more work.

At this point, try to be patient and understand him. Try to hold on for another 2 or 3 weeks, till you meet him. And then you’ll know better how things stand. But on the long run, I think he’ll need to deal with his lack of boundaries and allowing people to exploit him. But for now, try to be patient and supportive, even if it’s hard for you, because your own needs are not met.

Are you seeing the therapist you mentioned last time?