Dear Dafne,

good to read from you too!

Skipping the romantic bit completely till marriage did sound a little bit strange to me too. I know that in some religious communities it is normal and even expected to date without any physical/romantic relationship but otherwise not sure.

Yes, arranged marriage is a concept like that, where there is no physical or emotional bonding before marriage. But that’s when someone else (your parents or a religious elder) decides whom you should marry. In Christianity and other religions too, there is a concept of “no sex before marriage.” That’s when emotional bonding is allowed and encouraged, but no sex.

So skipping the romantic part happens only in arranged marriages, and I guess that’s not what you want…

So I asked her to give me more details. She explained that the concept she is talking about is called rotational dating. And you can be romantic (kiss, hug etc. but no sex) with other people but you don’t have to.

I found the website of this dating coach, who is promoting “rotational dating” (her name is Sami Wunder). I kind of understand what she is talking about, however I personally wouldn’t be able to kiss, hold hands, go on romantic walks… with more than one person. Which is what this coach suggests.

I agree that we can date multiple people in the beginning, to filter out people who don’t share our values and only want a casual relationship. But at some point, I think the most natural and honest thing is to pick one guy and start forming that deeper bond with him. I personally wouldn’t be able to form a deeper bond with more than one person at a time.

What’s the difference to date casually and in rotation?

If I understood her well, in rotational dating you are being emotional/romantic (but no sex) with more than one person simultaneously. She recommends 2 to 3 people max – those are the guys whom you’ve screened out as suitable candidates. She recommends to date all 3 of them until one of them proposes or gives you whatever commitment you are hoping for.

But as I said, it’s not something I could do, because first, it involves emotional intimacy, kissing and holding hands with multiple people, which is unacceptable for me. And also, it’s a bit like choosing the “best bidder”, which is not love and more, but a business deal.

What do you think Tee? Does it make more sense to you now? Would this concept help me to choose wisely and heal faster?

Honestly, I don’t think it would help you. I think it might hurt you even more. What I think would help you is to do some healing related to your childhood wounds, so you could have more self-confidence and more clarity in picking the right guy.

One of my favorite coaches on youtube, Anna Runkle, also known as the Crappy Childhood Fairy, talks about how to find true love. She specializes in dating, relationships, and healing from childhood trauma. She has a video you might like: “How to heal and find real love” (enter the title in youtube and you’ll find it). Let me know what you think…